Monday 30 May 2011

Being Honest With Myself

I think it is time for me to be very honest with myself. Lets put all the colours aside.

I feel one very, broken girl right now. My mother, as much as we all begin to die after we age to a certain point, is dying at a rate quicker than most of us. After being diagnosed with breast cancer, type three, several years ago, it has come back to bite her in the ass in more forms than one. Lung, liver, lymph-nodes and bone. This time, it is incurable. Life for her now is more than ever before, living it to the fullest-if her body lets her that is. Energy levels are down, self-esteem low and appearance not always what it used to be. In loosing my father to suicide at the age of ten, I am sure most would understand this sort of thing is somewhat of an ordeal. I feel forever heartbroken by two things that have happened to two of the most important people in my life. One of the most painful parts, is that I just have to sit back and watch it all occur. It even feels selfish in writing these words. Because what is going on, isn't about me. It is about my mum. We have to do everything and anything to make life as best as it can be, for her. We want to do this, it is no chore. It is love.

It feels like I have based my entire life around fear. Not only am I letting this affect me, I let it affect those involved in my life as well. To take this approach to life effects how you interact with everything; some for the good and some parts for the worse. As I travel back now on a train to London I shall record my experience to what feels, like a dark angry cloud. A disgusting black cloud which was once pink fog. In hearing a relative be sick, throwing up violently because something inside of them is there and won't get out, who knows what to think anymore-every day one knows it represents a countdown. How many years, months, days are left for my mum. I don't think she will appreciate me writing this, because it will make her feel exposed. To this day I am personally beyond hiding from the truth. I feel like this week for me has been a steady development in targeting this. It is time to get things sorted. Although we are all dying anyways; and whether mum has five years to live-anyone of us could die in that time whether it's a car crash, anything. Its time to get the message out there, because 'being' in this world is tough when you face such things as the above to contend with. In opening up you don't want anybody to treat you any differently, you don't want the looks of concern, you don't want the words of support. It feels like a weakness for you. I think in writing this, as weak as I may feel I suggest it is an act of admission. I think I need all the support I can get. For it is other people that remind me to go on, to 'just keep swimming' or power through. To stay positive and to live my life, not just for me but for my mum and dad too. If anyone wishes to call me a sympathy seeker, so be it. I am far from caring what other people think these days about me. Their opinion means nothing compared to what really matters: family, friends, love, experiences, living.

Cancer feels like an eternal torture, because when it comes once who knows when it will visit again. Once it comes a second time around you know it is bad news, Its like loosing a battle you thought you had won. Health, is one of my biggest fears of all. You can see why, once you think it is all over before you know it health issues only become worse. I have no patience for it what so ever. I hate doctors, I don't trust them. They fobbed off my mum last Christmas when she complained about chest pains, extreme coughing which lasted for months. Given her history you would have thought she would have been put on immediate checks with a chest x-ray. Nope. 'here is an inhaler, see how you feel after two weeks…' and then she becomes ploughed with empty antibiotics. Doctors sicken me. I understand yes, they see many people everyday and it is a battle with money as well. But when there is clear health history staring them in the face, I find little excuse necessary-it is too late now. With sex, Doctors preach 'its better to be safe than sorry'. Again they become hypocrites to their own philosophy.

I think my brother hides away. To be honest, I don't even know if he knows it is ok to feel any sort of emotion. Dad died when he was 8 years old. It took until his teens for him to silence his boy charm. I don't have conversations with my brother, just single words. Whether he is completely numbed by all experience I don't know, I think perhaps he chooses to not talk as he is either completely laid back, and just doesn't give a damn. Or, he is completely stunted by everything and finds it hard to feel any sort of vulnerable emotion. Most people don't like to display this anyway. We are all weak and vulnerable; only now am I beginning to understand that showing this isn't weakness, it is just being. It's ugly beautiful life! Though, I wonder whether he doesn't contact or visit family to avoid truths. To avoid the pain in seeing mother ill. To avoid realising that as much as we both have grown impatient to pain, and wanting to live as ourselves doing what we want to do because impatience has grown to putting up with anything bad, unfortunately it's just not the way this time. All day there is a reminder of what may not be in future. She walks slow, she moves slow. Some days are better than others but to not know if in 5 years to come you won't be able to grab that coffee with her like you used to, to have those random shopping days trying on sunglasses and driving in the car from another random found place in Wales with the music blaring and both women giggling at each other. Crying doesn't represent enough the pain.

It's not just about my brother either, it never just is about the kids. Mums partner, well he sees it everyday. It is worse for him. He witnesses the one he loves, crumbling bit by bit everyday. I can see their daily battles with each other and with something you can't even touch. And of course there are those connected to him too that see his pain, yet keep quiet in being sad over his pain as well. 

I know this is a miserable post. However miserable though, as much as it's worth I hope it shows to all that read it, that those things we get worked up about, those things we all fear and panic and fuss over…aren't the be all and end all. I know I am a hypocrite to these words. We are ALL hypocrites to everything. Which is why I find daily reminders massive help, because we do tend to get caught up with things. It helps to take a moment to reflect and see what really does matter. It is all about choosing what makes us happy right? And making effort to make those we love happy too.

I suppose, I am scared in feeling and dealing with all of this. I beg for myself to not let it affect everything around me all too much; job, friends, money. As much as I hate the distance between my family and I living in London, I know life over there would be even worse. My independence is doing me good. As horrible as this might sound, there is a time and a place to have selfish-selflessness. One has to love self in order to provide the best for self and those involved in selfs life. You can't give love if you don't feel it for yourself. My misery won't help others and I can't become something else that needs looking after. Other people are priority and I want to look after myself so I don't become one for them either. Everyday is about doing a little bit for self and doing a bit for others too, it shall become a balancing act. I have to work to pay bills, I can't take time off to heal a broken heart. Healing will be a part time thing I shall do in my spare time. My job is about representation, I am paid to smile. Whether I like it or not, sometimes it will be faked and others won't. It's going to be an interesting few years. I think that is the strangest part. I am so excited for life yet so broken, not only is it about balance it's about a juggling act as well. I find myself giggling in my head at the conundrum of it all. Life is all so silly. We are the ones who make it so silly after all…

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