Thursday 24 March 2011

All I can say for now

It feels half real and half not.

Dream like isn't the right term. The fight to not disappear is there, just part of me will be gone for a little while.

Tuesday 22 March 2011

Writing

'Blocked writers tear out their hair, turn to drink and go noisily mad, all of which are dramatic; the image of someone busily tapping on a keyboard is not. Furthermore, blocked writers always want to go off to a secluded cabin or beach house or snowed-in hotel, where something terrible will inevitably happen ("Secret Window," "Bag of Bones" and, of course, "The Shining" -- all based on works by Stephen King, who seems way too prolific to have ever wrestled with block himself)...
While overwrought, such scenarios have a subjective truth; the stakes fuel the block. Some of the most famously "blocked" writers, such as Samuel Taylor Coleridge, wrote reams of stuff -- just not the stuff they thought they ought to be writing. It's amazing what you can get done when you believe you're shirking some other, more important enterprise.

That's what every blocked writer really needs: something more significant they should be doing instead, an earth-shaking, life-changing project you're stealing time from to work on this little novel. Or the great novel you ought to be drafting while you knock off your memoir just for fun. Granted, inventing such a decoy project and convincing yourself that you may actually get around to it someday requires a bold and sustained act of imagination. But that's what writers do, isn't it -- make stuff up?'

http://www.salon.com/books/writing/index.html?story=/books/laura_miller/2011/03/21/curing_writers_block

Monday 21 March 2011

The patronise of it all

After discussions over my writing, it has come to my attention how many of my blog posts may be taken in a patronising way.


To be bold and say what you really think, to say you will be happy regardless, to make your choices, as long as you are happy, can all come across as 'I'll do this, so what'. And fair enough, if that is how you feel, of course that's cool because it is what you believe. I suppose my discussion towards the matter is, how often do you really need to say, 'of course there are always exceptions', or 'always give the benefit of the doubt?'.


Are we always going to have to explain ourselves?


In searching the news today, I came across the article below:


'So what makes people tell sick jokes about terrible disasters?'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12775389


There will always be touchy subjects, but all that makes them touchy are the responses we give to them. A subject to one, means nothing to another. My natural response to nearly everything at the moment is, 'if I were to die tomorrow, I would not care'. I am sure you can sense that from postings I have made over the past week. The alternative is, what is important to one, is not to another-but we have to respect their views and bear them in mind. To be shunned is quite rude, people balance I would say is priority. Everybody has their differences. On the one hand, it is adjusting to the unknown-change, whatever that may be, is a shock to the system and we have to learn to adapt, and most of all, accept. Things just, unfortunately are out of our control. Perhaps that is the hardest part.


How much can we really control in our lives? A self battle may have it's worth in the long run, but in the short term, I can't see it benefiting self. Though, without the short term, the long term wouldn't exist either. It seems we shall never win...

"People who have only good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content, and happy after a fashion, but they aren't very deep. It may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but well--it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. Not that happiness is necessarily simple. But I don't think you're going to have a life like that, and I think you'll be the better for it. The difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed by the bad patches. You must not let them defeat you. You must see them as a gift--a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."
— Peter Cameron (Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You)


http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/110982.Peter_Cameron

Until you read an article like this. Of course words taken from the above may seem a bit harsh to those who can place hand on heart, and say they enjoy their life because, well, they have avoided lets just say, a tragedy-whatever that may be. Also today, an associate viewed on their facebook status words to the effect of, 'I want bad things to happen to me just so I can have some stories-life is boring!'. And what does that say about us, of course we always wish for what we do not know too well or do not have or possess. Regardless of those facts, I suppose we are winning all the time, most of the day we just don't know it yet. A phrase that has come to my attention today is, 'think for today, because then tomorrow will look after itself'. How much explanation should we really give that!? To exhaust is a bother, so take it as you wish...

Friday 18 March 2011

Loving the world again

Of course it is Friday, and most people on this particular day have an extra kick in their step; the impending excitement of the weekend, for one to flee from work and enjoy their 'me' time.

But today isn't just about being Friday for me, that is only the coincidence. For last night I was surrounded by lovely people, telling stories and hearing some too. All we need is a little reminder from others, to, in essence show us and make us realise why it is good to be alive. We know it is good to be alive of course, but to really appreciate that we have so much out there to play with and experience. It is absolutely amazing!

Yes of course it may sound a little extreme, but when you are able to have that moment with yourself, and truly believe that life is flipping good, please bloody savour it!

Hug those around you that you wish to hug, even if they don't hug you back. And reach to those who seem so closed, because there will be a reason why they won't switch off.

Tell the world your secrets, they will make all smile. Everything makes a story, and those stories make your life.

Lyrics of the day

It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside.
I'm not one of those who can
Easily hide.

I don't have much money
But boy if I did
I'd buy I big house where
We both could live.

So excuse me forgetting
But these things I do.
See I've forgotten if
They're green or they're blue.

Anyway the thing is...
What I really mean...
Yours are the sweetest eyes
I've ever seen.

And you can tell everybody
This is your song.
It maybe quite simple but
Now that it's done

I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world.

If I was a sculptor
But then again no.
Or a girl who makes potions in
A travelling show.
I know it's not much but
It's the best I can do.
My gift is my song and
This one's for you.

Oh...

And you can tell everybody
This is your song.
It maybe quite simple but
Now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world

Thursday 17 March 2011

Train on a track

'Life is precious because it is life, not because it is human life or wealthy life or educated life or young life -- but because it is life...

The fear, pain, and grief of the thousands of people is unimaginable. We learn from this tragedy once again that the life we awaken to each morning may well be completely different by the end of the day. We kid ourselves by telling ourselves that we are in charge of the length of our lifetime. We are not. We must treat each day, as well as every person dear to us, as a gift...

We are truly learning an enormous cosmic truth: We are one...

Put your soul to work.'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-myss/japan-earthquake_b_836540.html

Lyrics of the day take two

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Self Harm

What harms becomes harmless if one is not aware of the harmful. Then it becomes down to you. Can you then deal with it also?

Sexual boundaries

At what point do people stop having sex, and for what reasons?!

One basic concept of it all-pleasure, yeah sure we all get that. But at what point in our lives does it become something else to us. A chore, a moment of weakness? Is it age that affects this or the attitudes towards the events we occur which change our treatment towards it?

Most assume those older than self do not partake, but is that because the idea seems so, lets just say, uncomfortable to us, that we refuse to even believe it exists.

A glance, a off hand comment, a suggestion. How are we to take any as innocence or as a line with ideas behind it? Once a warning towards the such is made, how is one able to give the benefit of the doubt? Are we always meant to keep our guards up, or should they remain low to accept the attention as a compliment or as a warning to perhaps what may be deemed as inappropriate behaviour.

I suppose what really affects it all is those who become involved. If the attention from one becomes of your interest, of course there is always innocence on your behalf to assume 'why not, it is legitimate behaviour from me, why not them'-you wouldn't assume nonetheless. Though on recent experience, how are you able to tell if something different is going on behind the face value?

How much so should we really keep our guards up? What legitimises the behaviour of others, if they feel no guilt towards it too?

Lyrics of the day

So make sure you love
Like you've never been hurt
And when you dance, dance
Like there's no one watching you

'Cause You can waste your time
(Redefining the day that music died)
Or you can spend your life
(Guilt free and ostracized)
'Cause all the fashion
(In the world cannot save you now)
(It's something, I'll write it down for you)

So make sure you love
Like you've never been hurt
And when you dance, dance
Like there's no one watching you

Oh, 'cuz this shit's not about pants
And this shit's not about shirts
And this shit's definitely not about hair
(This shit is 'bout having a good fucking time)
Maybe the music isn't dead
Maybe the music isn't dead
Maybe we all just forgot what it fucking sounded like

They Forgot
THEY FORGOT!

'Cause You can waste your time
(Redefining the day that music died)
Or you can spend your life
(Guilt free and ostracized)
'Cause all the fashion
(In the world can't save you now)
(It's something, I'll write it down for you)

My greatest gift to you
Is a dance floor
Free from insecurity

Wednesday 16 March 2011

The weight of it all

To fight against what you feel, or to go with your gut instinct?

I am one to always say stick to your gut. Though to be alone can sometimes put yourself into dangerous positions. Mind tends to wonder, though it would seem other influences validate whether mind is wondering into the correct place...

It really is hard to cut yourself off from things sometimes. One is past protecting anymore.

A little bit more worth

I suppose we all crave it, the filling in a blank, urge, desire, being and use of feeling practical, making a difference. The thing is, most do it everyday without even realising it.

And of course we all know, once something is gone we always crave it more, we miss it more, and sometimes extensively beyond what we thought would happen.

I suppose you just have to make sure you don't shut yourself off from what else is out there. You will only end up causing yourself a headache. To be honest, it does become a little boring. Restlessness. Frustration.

I get compared to being a whirlwind, probably because I seem like one big flurry and can knock people back sometimes. I would say, that It's rare for someone to make me feel quiet. If you do find someone that does make you feel quiet, let them know...

Permanently temporary

There is always an end. It's just whether it comes down to you, for yourself to end the practised.

The final drawing line can come from one, or another-unfortunately they are all variables. To hold back, is torture.

It never really is that simple, and for the short time being, one will not know either. The time taken always feels so much longer than it really is. When you look back on things, what then seemed like no escape can always vary within a second. The real testing factor is, when you feel like something is missing. You may know exactly what it is, its just whether this 'missing' can be filled.

Everyday becomes a sigh. It is not a breath of relief. It becomes a look glancing down to what could be and what is at the moment. Stirring I think could be the word.

If the world is weighing down on your shoulders, is it time for you to take off? What may seem like running away could also seem like putting one out of their misery. The essence is within the permanent torture, though the temporary time that it may continue to lead on.

To make it work?

An article from one of my favourite writers:

Several readers are defending this controversial reader against the backlash. One writes:
Perhaps the steam was obscuring your reader's eyes, because it is obvious she didn't actually read the poor man's letter.  Or perhaps she belongs to the rather sizable camp that firmly believes all men are selfish pigs, while giving birth automatically makes any woman a gold-plated Mother Theresa.
The wife stopped giving blow jobs right after the wedding.  To paraphrase Dan Savage, oral sex is standard for both parties, and any model not equipped gets returned to the lot. A few years later, with sex happening once every five weeks or so, his wife didn't say, "I know things are rough right now, help me through this and it will get better, I promise."  Instead, she told him she didn't care if she EVER had sex again, and he should find a "girlfriend." But, as with their prior sex life, she put so may arbitrary rules in place that clearly honesty was not the best policy.
Another writes:
I’ve been going back and forth about whether to sit down and write my experience with non-monogamy. After reading the judmental letters decrying the infidelity of that one husband, I decided to write (probably because I can empathize with him and can’t imagine how it must feel to be stuck in a relationship with a selfish, sexless person).
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have one child and another on the way. We met online because of the events on 9/11/01 (which is a good long story, but not for today). He lived in Dϋsseldorf and I lived in Dallas. We dated “internationally” for two years before he moved to the States. In those two years, we were practical about our relationship, so we made it an “open” one. Sex is important to both of us, so we gave each other the freedom to enjoy sex with other partners because we lived so far away from each other.
However, we love each other. So much so that it culminated in that “state of emergency” feeling in which we had to live together. He moved to the States; we got married and moved to Austin.
Since then, we have maintained an open relationship. We have not been monogamous with each other, but we are honest with each another. This type of relationship is perfect for us because we are honest with each other. Of course, we have bouts of jealousy or frustration because of a lack of sex drive (due to pregnancy, tiredness, etc.), but we work through it. We approach these issues intellectually, because that’s who we are.
While I know that sex with my husband is the most intense and close-to-spiritual event that I’ve ever experienced, I also know that the purely physical sensation of having sex with an acquaintance or stranger is just plain fun. My husband and I talk about our separate experiences, which turns us both on and usually leads to hot and heavy very quickly.
Why does this open marriage work for us and not others? I think it boils down to the way we view sex. We don’t view sex as sacred. I don’t think of sex as a rite of marriage. I don’t believe it’s something that I “own” over my husband or vice versa.
I think of sex in practical terms: it feels good; I like to do it; so let’s do what feels good. And part of what feels good, for me at least, is being open and honest with my husband. If I couldn’t be honest about my sexuality, that would be hell for me.
Another:
I think some of your readers were too harsh on the man who said he had secret liaisons because his wife was too tired and too disinterested in sex.  I disagreed with his surreptitious approach, but sympathized with him nonetheless. I’m in a monogamous long-term relationship. He lives in Colombia and I live in Miami (because of DOMA).  He vehemently insisted from the outset that we maintain a monogamous relationship. Generally I prefer them too, but it’s not a deal breaker. Then the separation led to a depression for him and uninterest in sex, with erectile dysfunction as a kicker. Other issues complicated the mix. So when I came down every three months to see him, there was maybe one sexual encounter and it took enormous begging/fighting to get it.
During a calm moment in the middle of the day, I explained to him that his reticence to engage in some sexual activities, plus his refusal of treatment for either depression or ED, effectively vetoed my sex life. I quietly explained that he could have monogamy and I would wait for sex when we got together every few months provided he took ED pills and saw a therapist to ensure the sex would happen. Or the monogamy deal was over.
The next trip led to near-daily sex. And that was that. Savage is right: honesty makes or breaks a relationship.
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2011/03/premature-monogamy-ctd-7.html

Tuesday 15 March 2011

Cheeky blog

I really need to stop singing at my desk. Of course I don't really NEED to stop, but what is seen as a sign of love and passion from one, another may see as madness and innapropriate.

What does it mean to them? Is it a threat to their unknown or a clash of opinions and cultural differences?

To what one may find a comfort, another may find as rudeness. Surely it is a juggle of representation? Or a fear of what others may think.

Imagine a world where that fear may not exist, towards other peoples opinions.

Bending the truth?

Relationships.

One is always telling one the other, they think they are in the know.

It can flip, and the other one is telling the other something else too!...

How can that be a relationship, when what combines the two together is based on a string of misshapen being?

I suppose this can be applied to a numerous amount of things. There are always exceptions towards the sort, but for those who are involved-wouldn't they feel right in knowing what is really going on?

Just to make it clear, I wish most things weren't a taboo. But when peoples feelings become jeopardised in a situation-does it make it all the energy it is worth?

'It's much better if one simply does.'

'Romanticizing the act of writing or any other art is not very helpful to the artist or the art. It's much better if one simply does. It worked better for me when I was just a writer, a working person. I've never felt that I needed a special desk with a special light coming in from the window at a special angle. It's work, not so different from that way you fix dinner or you pick up a child at school.'

http://www.salon.com/life/sex/index.html?story=/mwt/feature/2011/03/14/roiphe

Between two lungs

A day to die
A day to rest
A day to pester what is left

A day to take
A day to give
A day to continue what's within

A day to savour
A day to hate
A day to never hide again


Because now is yours and the future is unknown

I know what I would do...

Smile and wave

Just keep walking

Monday 14 March 2011

Flow

'While debilitating mental illness is certainly not conducive to creativity, exciting new research is starting to point to the conclusion that some mental mechanisms and dispositions that are associated with full-blown psychosis may also be present in varying degrees in everyone and may confer tremendous advantages to flow, creativity and what makes life meaningful.'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-barry-kaufman/creativity-mental-illness_b_833299.html

Lovingly creative

As this is why I write:

'Creativity and love are intimately connected, as we can see in stunning art compositions inspired by love. Love stimulates and enhances the flow of creativity and gave birth to the most beautiful things we can see today and the most poignant poems and books ever written.

Love is the seat of creativity and shares with it similar desires and qualities of expression and expansion.

Opening The Inner Door To Creativity
Let's usher loving awareness in our lives -- a perfect blend of love and consciousness in the present moment. This is the easiest and quickest way to open up to love and its creative qualities. It's a choice that each one of us can make anytime, anywhere -- regardless of how heavy our past emotional baggage is, regardless of our present circumstances and of our individual makeup.

Realizing that love is always present is the first step.The second step is to bring love into our awareness. All we have to do is put our attention on our heart. We will feel the warmth of love immediately. Welcoming loving awareness in our daily minute-to-minute unfolding is the pivotal ingredient necessary to deepen our relationship with love and to release the floodgates of our imagination. We enter into a higher vibrational frequency, which opens the portal to our own artistic and imaginative gifts.

Creativity is love's expression in the world, to be shared and enjoyed by all. Through the course of history, man has always felt the bursting desire to express the love felt inside. In a state of love, our senses are heightened, and so is our awareness. We simply cannot contain the creative process inwardly. It overflows like a geyser and explodes with extraordinary force and beautiful grace into a colorful firework of art.

When we are living from our hearts, we are continuously tapping into the source of imagination. From there, all our creativity channels are activated and manifest as fresh ideas, problem solving and deep understanding that we can share. Reality is more vivid, and the expression of this higher state of consciousness infuses our daily life with new color, joy and excitement. Our creative juices are now flowing unrestricted.'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/toni-emerson/love-creativity_b_834235.html



Genetic differences

'We live in an era where the brain and its "hard wiring" are used to explain behavior. Impressive brain scans reveal which areas light up whenever we have certain thoughts, emotions and drives. Thus, someone who is in love will exhibit some characteristic patterns of activity in the limbic region, the amygdala and elsewhere, providing us with a "signature," so to speak, of what love looks like beneath the skull. This is very interesting, and it leads to many fascinating possibilities. But one of the possibilities that needs to be ruled out is the crude notion that "my brain made me do it," which is just as suspect as "my genes made me do it." The brain is not a fixed dictator of behavior. We can go into philosophical reasons for why the mind is more important than the brain, but that tends to be dismissed as metaphysics; anyway, nobody wants to spoil the brain game, which is the big game in town so far as science is concerned right now.

What I object to is the underlying assumption that we are largely unconscious beings, directed by evolution, genes or the brain to be who we are. Freud's unconscious mind has suddenly found a mechanical representation that is given huge credit. On the surface, we don't know why we suddenly love someone else, so science runs in to say that our choice was based on pheromones (in one study, women liked the smell of men's underarms better if they also had symmetrical faces), imprints of desirable facial structures and other hidden factors beyond our conscious knowledge. Similarly, men are supposed to favor women with a certain ratio of waist to hip size.

I hope the reader can see that as intriguing as this may sound, it all tends to remove free will, choice and the growth of individual consciousness. After all, if there is a vast area known as the unconscious where invisible forces inherited from our ancestors are plying us with genetic and brain signals, what's the use of resisting? Again, this may sound abstract, but no subject is more vital than the relations between men and women.'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/how-men-can-be-wise-about_b_835363.html

I'm sure we all say this too

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2011/03/the-age-of-random.html

The quote of the day

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2011/03/quote-for-the-day-2.html

Mad point number two

Don't torture yourself.

You can search for the information, and strive to provide yourself with answers. Though will this even gain anything for peace of mind sake?

I have always said it is all about balance, so before enquiring into the touchy subject, evaluate whether it is worth the news. Is it going to benefit the self, or create more doubt than is necessary?

Mad point number one

It feels right in saying that right now I don't really feel alive, because what I feel is so alien and unnatural to what I have felt. I could say that to write this may be exposing too much, but I have got to the point where I just don't care any more. To write now of course is more so for a personal record for myself and my benefit. It becomes therapy and a way of dealing with things as other forms of relief do not exist.

If you want to laugh. Go ahead. When you have been beaten down nothing else matters. I was told a story one time when a friends grandparent died. The daughter of that parent, his mum, she was so scared of spiders-the most fear I have ever seen towards them-greater than my own fear towards them (the really big ones!). But when her dad lay on the floor dying and a huge great big black spider came running across near them-it just didn't matter. When something quite traumatic takes place, nothing else really does matter.

Cool for Wales

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-12718670

Storytelling

How much detail should you include, when writing about it-you know those words would make a good story?

Would the words be labelled as a cry for help, a story for others or a message and comfort to those who may need one?

To think about it way too much just provides a headache. All I know is, that distractions are a wonderful way to continue.

I couldn't be more grateful right now to be at work. For many more wonders last night became clear to me, though not always in the most positive and ensuring way.

I had a record of events, which by accident partly became erased last night due to a frustrating technical fault. Half remained, but as the other half was gone-the first part just had no meaning anymore. And so I wiped it all. A clean slate. Whether it is a clean slate into something much more beneficial, I do not know, and so far I can honestly say one does not feel much better in a sense, but also much more grateful at the same time.

Two challenges have come across my way over the past two weeks. Never, have I experienced both to this extent before-it truly is heartbreaking.

And so I wish to use my knowledge and thoughts to tell the world a story phrased in such a way for you all to learn from, but to linger your thoughts from knowing exactly what is going on too. Unless you can have a lucky guess. Please pass your ideas onto me. I only want to make use of what is happening, because to not make something positive out of a unpleasant (not necessarily negative) experience, well one can only learn...

Saturday 12 March 2011

Between two

There are always games, and ultimately they are there to protect ourselves. If we cut out all of the middle ground, would the tease be missed or would we spend more time enjoying the object of desire?

To be alone

Whilst watching one of my favourite shows, and a huge sense of panic overwhelms me.

Alone is great, but to experience life without being able to share it with no-one you really know, well, feels awful.

Solitude is a graceful thing. Though it is the people in your life which makes solitude so graceful. Without being able to go between the two, appreciation and knowledge of each variation wouldn't exist. 

Thursday 10 March 2011

Lyrics of the day, take two

I've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh 

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again 

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I wouldn't be scared
At all 
All

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

'This kid has a point'...

What's the first thing you think of when you wake up?
 
I don't think about anything when I wake up.

je-rock
This kid may be the next Buddha. Very zen!!
 
RedditsKittyKat What do you think about the world?

I think it's pretty good, but not if you're alone or scared or dead or something like that.
 
i think this is a surprisingly accurate description
 
This kid is a genius.
 
Magnets, how do they work?
They get paper clips to come to you.
PAPER CLIPS, COME TO ME!
What's your favorite song?
 
Badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom! Snaaaake snaaaaake! Badger badger badger badger badger ...
 
what do you think is the meaning of life?
 

Fuck you world and thank you too

I feel exhausted. Mentally exhausted. So the following words may contradict, but I am also filled with so much energy as well. Brain energy. The desire to fight, to seize, to take any opportunity and make it my own.

I have done this all before, and now it happens again coinsiding with a new painful experience as well, one I always felt I was indestructable against. So It seems I am taking a double whammy. So be it. Bring it on.

I feel a battle coming on, and what makes it so interesting is what makes it exist is only what goes on in my head. Feelings are all just words, and in whatever way that feels right sometimes you just have to take them out and see those words so they feel even more real. Emotional pain is a mind boggling thing, it has to get out in some form whether it is in tears, shouting, screaming-my form is writing. Which is why on a interesting and unexpected sense, I feel so content with all that is happening-though of course there are always particular moments where my guard is down. Impatience is definitely a sign of defeat, but If you learn from it and use it to your advantage in life, doesn't that just make you a winner?

I could never hold any regrets. Too much time and energy gets focused into what if, I should have, why didn't I? There really is no point. If someone warns me about something, in some ways I only want to experience it more, to go and explore because you just don't know without trying (of course there are always sensible exceptions). I know, that whatever happens I will get the most out of the experience, not necessarily immediately-but at another given time.

And that is why this post is about shouting at the world, and saying how dare you, though also saying thank you as well.

Right now, I'm really screaming inside. Though the image of what everyone else will see, or may see, is a smile. However it is no lie, because deep down I am smiling at the world for all its wonders to shock and amaze and treat any individual as a piece of rubbish, or a precious stone. But even with those comparisons, rubbish becomes recycled-in the way that we shall recycle the emotions caused from what we would consider our, bad times. To make use of the rubbish and take what we feel from them and use it as a lesson to live all the more with exuberance. A precious stone is already at its peak, so It can only get dirty.

Lyrics of the day

Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Oh, who are we to turn each others heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?

Oh, I don't like the way I never listen to myself
I feel like I'm on fire and too shy to cry for help
Oh, I don't think you owe me much at all

This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

I'm feeling down about this love

Who are you to make me feel so good?
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?
Oh, I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart
We're falling on each other like we're always in the dark
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all, at all

This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
(At all)

This love is not what you want
This heart will never be yours
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

Tuesday 8 March 2011

A whole new world

Wow
 
This hurts so much
 
The impending.
 
There are days when you feel indestructable, so indestructable you forget what emotional pain is, because everything else seems so silly around you there is no way to be able to relate to what the majority feel. One is the minority.  
 
It is weird how it makes you feel physically sick. Almost like your brain is swelling. Can it handle the knowledge that things are really going to change, and not necessarily for what is going to be enjoyable. 
 
We know there is a good life ahead-it's there now, but there are so many more good times ahead to engage with and to seize, to be denied it is the most painful part.
 
You know deep down that you can cope with what there is to come, it just becomes difficult to have in mind the process you know that will become something to go through. Though no-one should feel any responsibility towards it. It is all part of the process of being alone, and letting those who know you to just hug and to hold, as words become empty-like a hollow box.
 
They may exist but they mean nothing. Regardless, words won't make a difference to what is about to come.
 
At this moment in time they are useless. But lets get them down anyways to at least work out the creaks in your head. To pad it out like a massage.
 
And then you get the news and it hits you. And sometimes all you can do is cry. Because there just is no point in fighting it anymore, only more damage to yourself will be caused.
 
 
 
 

A Bond

'Brooks’s desire to articulate a universal feeling: that all of us are caught up in what he calls “the loneliness loop.” We yearn for “community”; we have “the urge to merge.” When two people are having an intense conversation, their breathing synchronizes; laughing to-gether creates a feeling of joy; soldiers drilling in unison experience a surge of power. What drives us, ultimately, is the need to be understood by others.'

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-03-02/david-brooks-on-the-social-animal-interview/

Friday 4 March 2011

Moments of appreciation

When you feel it, make use of it in any way possible which feels right to you. Even though the small smile you show really represents a big one you know you still have inside, let it grow when the moment is right for you. Take a moment to appreciate that you have found it again and want to show the world how it feels for you.

I love the 9-5.
I love the party.
I love the quiet.
I love the chaos, the anticipation, the moment when you have got there, the time of celebration all in uniting the fun.

Party means to wow, means to move, means to show.

Expression is amazing. It's all one big method of expression.

To wonder, flounce and remember everything that was, is, and what shall become. And with your instincts one will behave with how it will all may follow.

The smile is becoming more real now.

Wednesday 2 March 2011

A new kind of challenge

A new challenge has come across. A really big challenge. Big.

Bring it on. For it only confirms everything I feel and sense and live by one hundred times more.

Tuesday 1 March 2011

Solitude

An article perfect to summarise exactly, a way of being.

'The truth was, I was looking for a man to fill a big empty space within me. I had some unresolved issues from childhood, and a past breakup that had left my heart fractured. This rendered me emotionally unavailable to fully commit myself to another person out of fear of getting hurt again or losing myself in another relationship, as I'd done in the past. What I had failed to recognize in my four years of consistent dating and not finding a partner was that maybe there were some unconscious things going on inside of me that were preventing me from being open to accept love, support or, scariest of all, share intimacy with another.

It became apparent to me that I needed to learn to live with myself before I could expect anyone else to live with me. I needed to be solely in a relationship with me. And so I embarked on a mission to achieve solitude, and find the joy in being alone. I think many people confuse being alone with fear and sadness, but it truly can be a positive and constructive state. At the same time I was awakening to this fact, I started attending guided meditations where the mantra the teacher gave us to practice was a simple "let go." It seems so mundane, but "let go" became a daily ritual that I repeated to myself over and over, and sure enough I began cutting the cords of the relationships that were distracting me from peaceful solitude and giving me a false sense of security and self-worth. I started feeling a new kind of freedom by remaining loyal to myself.

I unearthed a lot of anger, hurt and resentment that I needed to let go of. I also had a lot of forgiveness to do on myself and others before I was ready to open myself to a healthy relationship. In my solitude, I felt like I was clearing old negative thoughts that were making my life difficult. I was also learning to have compassion for myself and getting clearer on who I was and what I really wanted from a future partner. To my surprise, with no dating I was actually starting to feel less lonely than I ever had before. My self-esteem increased dramatically.

There are people we've had in our lives for many years that are very hard to let go of. They keep us in the destructive patterns that have been familiar to us our whole lives and activate emotions in us that very few others can. When this is what we've always known, severing these ties can be a real challenge. What got me through these difficult moments was a support system of friends, and knowing that if I complete the process of letting go, I could one day move on with openness to a new person, and have the healthy relationship that I desire.

Being in solitude rather than loneliness is a choice, and we are ultimately in charge of our minds. I believe that the freedom found in solitude will support love, and the more free space I clear in my heart, the more possibility I have for love in my life.'

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erin-henry/the-joy-of-solitude_b_826649.html

Philosophy

The funny thing about Philosophy is that it speaks of what we already know, yet it takes a large percentage of our lives to work out and really flow by. The more we read it over and over again we still cannot fully absorb it all until we have experienced the motions that let it (and allow it, without one having a choice) affect ourselves personally. And then it all fits in and it's like you become one with the world.

I'm not saying that anything has been written for us to follow but it's almost like once the realisation takes place the patterns emerge and coincide with what has been written and said.

Should it really be called Philosophy, how about calling it Perspective?

Would it make this world seem more accessible and less daunting to those who aren't so familiar.

It's awful to think we are all at a bottom level and everyone has to make their way up. Yet this image is also quite exciting. To think of the imagery of everyone essentially together placing themselves in the world and making their way to their wondrous place of what may be described as zen. My preference is 'being'. Though one must be alone to encounter, and not fear loneliness. Be comfortable as yourself. To confuse the elevation with other emotions or other cushions in life would make it a waste.

Everyone has a choice to take note. We all have our vibes. Make the choice in not being offended and use the energy to drive yourself forward.

There should be no guilt in working out who you are. And then there should be no guilt in knowing who you are, and talking about it. Feel no arrogance, only feel strength.

Examples

'If you do not believe that they should suffer, then why do you reserve the right to suffer yourself? Are you not an example to others? Do you not seek to live as you think others should live? So, if not for yourself, then as an example to others: Be at peace with the body you were born with. Be at peace with your own nature. Find your own way, let it make you happy, and in finding your own way inspire others.

Lead by being who you are.'

http://www.salon.com/entertainment/movies/sports/index.html?story=/mwt/col/tenn/2011/02/27/middle_of_the_pack