Song of the day, three

Tracey Emin. Guardian Review

'Emin has had to develop in public. One of the difficulties is that much of what she does is a kind of performance, one she has had to work out as she goes along. This is true for all of us in our multifarious ways. Life is performative – but Emin has turned it into her art...

One outdoor sculpture court appears to be just a windswept stretch of concrete, until you discover the painted bronze infant's shoe, the teddy bear and the sock scattered on the ground. A missing child, in other words. There's an indelible sense of abandonment, a silent sense of loss.'

Writing for love

Some good words about writing for those we feel for. The last paragraph greatly represents the feeling I too hold when I think about writing and what it provides for me. Some day I also aspire to have a career more involved with one of my most important passions:

'And here I can mention that there is nothing like writing for those you love. Building something out of words, an intensely personal medium – something for someone you respect, someone for whom you care – that's both a pleasure and a properly testing exercise. I have long argued that the writer's relationship with the putative reader should probably be one of loving respect: it's a way of maintaining a correct form of address. Having a literal someone out there for whom you would like to do more than your best, someone to please, can be helpful...

If you've ever tried writing for a lover, that can be intoxicating and wonderful, but it can also lead you into self-indulgence and, should the relationship founder, your deathless lines may end up all over the kitchen wall. Still, if you want to have a go ... well, I wouldn't be able to stop you. Writing from love and for love – love of the words, love of your species, love of specific joys – that's a fine remedy for ills.

And it's a reminder – Dum-dah-dum, da dah-dum dah-dum – of a deep pleasure in being a writer: the permanent music it provides. Sometimes having the benefit of a free head full of words offers as clear and complex a melody as any track I'll ever play to cheer me. Sometimes the words are background noise, sometimes they can feel like being a kid again and simply happy, sometimes they're an excuse for nearly dancing on a railway platform, sometimes I get paid for trying to put them down on paper, sometimes they'll end up in a letter with a readership of one. And this is something we all have: it takes negative intervention – illness, fear, threat – to damage our music, muffle it. But it's still there, waiting, singing inside. Onwards.'

Naked Ballet Dancing

Naked ballet dancing. Fantastic. For those that walk out or hide, well. Silly. Why would one fear the naked form, it's not like ballet dancers will have the most grosteque appearance.

Clearly, it is self contained issues. Is it vulnerability in looking at anothers naked human form?

'What's the justification for such aggressive nudity? St-Pierre, who is fascinated by taboos and the breaking of them, is trying to create a raw physical intimacy between dancer and audience, and he wants to make us laugh, too. Michael Watts, one of his dancers, says most people find the naked scenes funny. But, he adds, "we're being very childlike – we're behaving like six-year-old boys, and we get a lot of taps on the bottom from old ladies". They do occasionally encounter angry resistance, though. "One woman just hid her face completely," recalls Watts. "She put her jacket over her face. Another man got up and tried to run away. And a few dancers have got hit or pushed."'

Perhaps we forget that whilst growing up we have all in a sense, been conditioned to believe when and where is appropriate to take off our clothes and be naked. In a sense, when people say it is a form of expression; well on the one hand you could say it is the least form of expression as after all we were naturally born this way to begin with. In 'expressing' what we naturally posses, slightly baffles me. It's taken conventions of history to produce such a turn around effect. Sure, we enhance our hair as we naturally have that on display anyways; nudity holds its reputation as 'expressionism' as it goes against our conditioning to cover up. Less covering up becomes individual itself because the norm is to wear clothes, and express with material instead.

Most know if we went to the shops in our pyjamas, just thinking about the reaction we may receive would certainly effect our choices in 'expressing' in that way. If one doesn't become accepted by others this seems to largely affect the individuals choice. We grow up being taught how to behave, when and how we should eat, most of our decisions or instincts become confirmed by our parents before being allowed to do anything. I do wonder whether it is the same in relation to nudity. Unmissably, our parents-without fault as this would be the norm for them too, have encourage one to dress nicely and appropriately for each occasion. No wonder we hold the fear that, if walking to the shops in our pyjamas is a dialema, to take a further step into a nudist world seems almost possible for some.

I find myself enlightened by the prospect that dancers are encouraged to perform nude. With so many body issues in the media, and discussion that such ideas should be discussed as part as the national cirriculum; I do hope to see much more development into enhancing what we have already. I enjoy seeing the turn around and regurgitation of fashion, classic values and even now we return to expressing our raw elements. It somewhat suggests that we had most of the answers already towards great ways to 'be'. I am glad they are starting to be recognised once again.

Peado Phenomenon

This I find a bit dramatic. If they ask kids to change their school uniform in risk of paedophiles; isn't this the same for adults, to avoid wearing skirts and dresses to further avoid tempting rapists?!

'Chief executive Eileen Prior said: "Creating a link between school uniform and paedophilia seems to be a dangerous and unhelpful one for everyone involved.

"It implies that young people are in some way responsible for the activities of paedophiles, which is an extremely dangerous argument and one which has echoes of the comments sometimes made around rapists and women's dress.'

Again, I find that authorities in society tend to source responsibility onto others if they possibly can. I am not saying that local authorities should take full responsibility themselves, it just seems that alternative methods in handling situations such as the above could be treated better. If there is a problem, the solution seems to be pointed towards what the victim could do, instead of finding ways in targetting the problem itself. Though perhaps, that is the local authories' way in trying to take less responsibility themselves.

Song of the day, two

Listen to it all or more importantly skip to 3 mins 34 seconds. It will feel like a fist has punched into your chest. This song is amazing and is the only piece of music I have found EVER to summarise anything and everything of what goes on inside my brain.

This piece is a glory. A vision of heartbreak, of pain, of hope, of peace.

Morning Leaflet Girl

Approaching Monument on my walk to work, due the second week opening of 'Prego', leaflets were being handed by one girl for 'free cups of coffee'...

For a change, someone who was handing out leaflets at 8:10am had a lovely smile and the humour to go with it. The fact that people kept brushing past her and treating her like a mere lamp post didn't manage to knock her spirit. It's people like this that make the morning walk to work what it is. Leaflet work is mundane and most of the time I also ignore those that hand them out, mostly because they aren't giving them out with the passion that any job deserves. It would also be good that, if passers by register that these people feel like they are actually doing their job, when someone simply takes the item out of their hands; I think it might make a difference to their day as well as ours.

Song of the day

Tracey Emin

This is on my things to do within the next couple of months!!

Motherhood

Some very good points to keep in mind that apply to motherhood. These are all very transferable to anybody also, for I should realise that I should not fear the future and apply it too much to the present. We all need to enjoy the moments we have now, to not fuss too much about the future as it is out of our hands. One small step to overcoming my fears I suppose. Take one day at a time...

Song of the day, two

Being Honest With Myself

I think it is time for me to be very honest with myself. Lets put all the colours aside.

I feel one very, broken girl right now. My mother, as much as we all begin to die after we age to a certain point, is dying at a rate quicker than most of us. After being diagnosed with breast cancer, type three, several years ago, it has come back to bite her in the ass in more forms than one. Lung, liver, lymph-nodes and bone. This time, it is incurable. Life for her now is more than ever before, living it to the fullest-if her body lets her that is. Energy levels are down, self-esteem low and appearance not always what it used to be. In loosing my father to suicide at the age of ten, I am sure most would understand this sort of thing is somewhat of an ordeal. I feel forever heartbroken by two things that have happened to two of the most important people in my life. One of the most painful parts, is that I just have to sit back and watch it all occur. It even feels selfish in writing these words. Because what is going on, isn't about me. It is about my mum. We have to do everything and anything to make life as best as it can be, for her. We want to do this, it is no chore. It is love.

It feels like I have based my entire life around fear. Not only am I letting this affect me, I let it affect those involved in my life as well. To take this approach to life effects how you interact with everything; some for the good and some parts for the worse. As I travel back now on a train to London I shall record my experience to what feels, like a dark angry cloud. A disgusting black cloud which was once pink fog. In hearing a relative be sick, throwing up violently because something inside of them is there and won't get out, who knows what to think anymore-every day one knows it represents a countdown. How many years, months, days are left for my mum. I don't think she will appreciate me writing this, because it will make her feel exposed. To this day I am personally beyond hiding from the truth. I feel like this week for me has been a steady development in targeting this. It is time to get things sorted. Although we are all dying anyways; and whether mum has five years to live-anyone of us could die in that time whether it's a car crash, anything. Its time to get the message out there, because 'being' in this world is tough when you face such things as the above to contend with. In opening up you don't want anybody to treat you any differently, you don't want the looks of concern, you don't want the words of support. It feels like a weakness for you. I think in writing this, as weak as I may feel I suggest it is an act of admission. I think I need all the support I can get. For it is other people that remind me to go on, to 'just keep swimming' or power through. To stay positive and to live my life, not just for me but for my mum and dad too. If anyone wishes to call me a sympathy seeker, so be it. I am far from caring what other people think these days about me. Their opinion means nothing compared to what really matters: family, friends, love, experiences, living.

Cancer feels like an eternal torture, because when it comes once who knows when it will visit again. Once it comes a second time around you know it is bad news, Its like loosing a battle you thought you had won. Health, is one of my biggest fears of all. You can see why, once you think it is all over before you know it health issues only become worse. I have no patience for it what so ever. I hate doctors, I don't trust them. They fobbed off my mum last Christmas when she complained about chest pains, extreme coughing which lasted for months. Given her history you would have thought she would have been put on immediate checks with a chest x-ray. Nope. 'here is an inhaler, see how you feel after two weeks…' and then she becomes ploughed with empty antibiotics. Doctors sicken me. I understand yes, they see many people everyday and it is a battle with money as well. But when there is clear health history staring them in the face, I find little excuse necessary-it is too late now. With sex, Doctors preach 'its better to be safe than sorry'. Again they become hypocrites to their own philosophy.

I think my brother hides away. To be honest, I don't even know if he knows it is ok to feel any sort of emotion. Dad died when he was 8 years old. It took until his teens for him to silence his boy charm. I don't have conversations with my brother, just single words. Whether he is completely numbed by all experience I don't know, I think perhaps he chooses to not talk as he is either completely laid back, and just doesn't give a damn. Or, he is completely stunted by everything and finds it hard to feel any sort of vulnerable emotion. Most people don't like to display this anyway. We are all weak and vulnerable; only now am I beginning to understand that showing this isn't weakness, it is just being. It's ugly beautiful life! Though, I wonder whether he doesn't contact or visit family to avoid truths. To avoid the pain in seeing mother ill. To avoid realising that as much as we both have grown impatient to pain, and wanting to live as ourselves doing what we want to do because impatience has grown to putting up with anything bad, unfortunately it's just not the way this time. All day there is a reminder of what may not be in future. She walks slow, she moves slow. Some days are better than others but to not know if in 5 years to come you won't be able to grab that coffee with her like you used to, to have those random shopping days trying on sunglasses and driving in the car from another random found place in Wales with the music blaring and both women giggling at each other. Crying doesn't represent enough the pain.

It's not just about my brother either, it never just is about the kids. Mums partner, well he sees it everyday. It is worse for him. He witnesses the one he loves, crumbling bit by bit everyday. I can see their daily battles with each other and with something you can't even touch. And of course there are those connected to him too that see his pain, yet keep quiet in being sad over his pain as well. 

I know this is a miserable post. However miserable though, as much as it's worth I hope it shows to all that read it, that those things we get worked up about, those things we all fear and panic and fuss over…aren't the be all and end all. I know I am a hypocrite to these words. We are ALL hypocrites to everything. Which is why I find daily reminders massive help, because we do tend to get caught up with things. It helps to take a moment to reflect and see what really does matter. It is all about choosing what makes us happy right? And making effort to make those we love happy too.

I suppose, I am scared in feeling and dealing with all of this. I beg for myself to not let it affect everything around me all too much; job, friends, money. As much as I hate the distance between my family and I living in London, I know life over there would be even worse. My independence is doing me good. As horrible as this might sound, there is a time and a place to have selfish-selflessness. One has to love self in order to provide the best for self and those involved in selfs life. You can't give love if you don't feel it for yourself. My misery won't help others and I can't become something else that needs looking after. Other people are priority and I want to look after myself so I don't become one for them either. Everyday is about doing a little bit for self and doing a bit for others too, it shall become a balancing act. I have to work to pay bills, I can't take time off to heal a broken heart. Healing will be a part time thing I shall do in my spare time. My job is about representation, I am paid to smile. Whether I like it or not, sometimes it will be faked and others won't. It's going to be an interesting few years. I think that is the strangest part. I am so excited for life yet so broken, not only is it about balance it's about a juggling act as well. I find myself giggling in my head at the conundrum of it all. Life is all so silly. We are the ones who make it so silly after all…

Song of the day

Apologies for the awful video.

The 'simple' life

Life is simple if you know what you want, and are happy with what you have got. Unhappiness comes from frustration in wanting more, or with not being happy with what you have got. It takes one to choose and distinguish themselves exactly what that may be.

Slut Rut

Ironically this topic came up in discussion recently with myself and others as to what is a slut. Is it a girl who sleeps around, though isn't that just embracing sexual freedom? Is it a girl who dresses and shows all, yet is really displaying a fabulous figure in which she has probably worked hard for? Is a slut these days, someone who is aware of their sexual being and uses this to get things for her advantage? I don't even know whether that could be considered power and intelligence itself!

The meaning of slut these days, I am massively confused to what meaning it really should take accept the classical dictionary meaning. I think the alternative still lies in what would you call a man if he were to do the same things, man whore?! How can we de-feminise the meaning of the words whore, slut, slag or tart? Maybe sexual freedom needs a large revamp within the media and society itself.

Love Is What You Want

Tracey Emin:

People Like You Need To Fuck People Like Me

Tracey Emin:

Song of the day, three

Tracey Emin

I REALLY want to go to this, there is something about her work which I really like. Whether it's the lights, the meaning behind them. I love it. She is beautiful. I think I find her work quite, exposing, raw and blunt. Something of which I find I can relate to at the moment.

Drugs and Canal Boat Festivals

I have just visited a canal boat festival. Due to the weather the attendance was very small. Even though there were few people around you could still sense the growth of community and desire to bring people together. It's events such as these you really appreciate, especially when they are hosted in quiet areas such as Neath, or more accurately Abergarwed. Most of the time no-body even knows where this place is, which also is a grace in itself. My experience in working in the local town hotel gave great scope in how many people come to this part of the country, from all areas. Nature is a beauty, it is all so green.

I never really appreciated the valleys of Wales because I moved here pretty quickly under my own will. Now that I get to fluctuate between the two lives of country and city, I only appreciate it more. Though this may sound crazy, when visiting small events such as these one does wonder what it would be like to attend whilst taking a substance, legal or illegal. The experience would differ and perhaps one would treat the environment differently and gain a different perspective. The thing is with drugs, be it alcohol or anything else, some may say they heighten the experience of things. I don't like that people take substances to make some experience more pleasant, in the sense that it wouldn't be any better without it. To go out, and enjoy ones self should be done without feeling any need to influence their own body with any extras. I think it wise to continue such event in its prime, naturally. The event should be given a chance. Perhaps only then should drugs be taken, to enhance the environment instead of escaping from it too. Of course there is always a level of escape which substances, but if you take anything and gain perspective from it, then I see no wrong. Just be safe, stay safe and use it safely. It further adds to my annoyance in the naivety when people preach about drugs being a no go what so ever. 

When I was a teen, I felt no need to drink before the legal age. I wanted to pace myself and 'take it' when I wanted, and not because everyone else wanted. I had nothing to prove and also I wasn't bored, as such, in my chosen activities. I find most teens drink these days because there is nothing else to do-I need not go on too much with this point for the time being, but perhaps it is something to consider for a later post.

Alcohol is a drug, and because it has been around for so long most have learned how to cope with it and use it in their own ways.  I think the government is scared that once most people in society have the right education in drugs, they would develop the intelligence to use them safely, exactly how the government advises in using alcohol safely too. Perhaps the government is too stubborn to accept that most people these days binge on substances for reasons out of their control. The government all the more try to avoid taking responsibility or blame for peoples actions. The thing is, I kind of pity the government-I can understand their fear in not wanting to legalise something just in case it kicks them in the arse and more deaths are caused at first. I think most people should learn to accept their own responsibility. I am sure recently there has been discussion in legalising drugs in small amounts. I look forward to seeing any development in this discussion.

More posts exploring the themes expressed here will no doubt come at a later date. Apologies for my brief and superficial explanations. I personally would rather not blog if I haven't got anything I feel substantial to talk about, though my desire to get ideas across in some way is just too overpowering to ignore.

Transformation of Man

I haven't watched the following yet, as I am back home in Wales visiting the family hub. I anticipate watching it and will blog about it soon. Feel free to watch and leave any response.

Song of the day, two

For me, it isn't the song that does it. It's the end shot of the whole video. I love the sky.

Song of the day

I discovered this singer when I was 19, July 2009. She is amazing, I know few people that know of her as well. Her voice is soothing, lyrics accurate and is just a pleasure.

Beautiful words of encouragement

The following words come from Cary Tennis towards a ex-heroin addict. Although the words below apply to the use of that particular drug, we all have our own form of 'drug' abuse. For some it will be a substance: legal-alcohol, cigarettes. Some may take illegal ones and others may source 'drugs' from substances which seem all the norm; food, caffeine, exercise, music... anything. We all have our own 'drugs', our escapes, our 'go to'. The balance is knowing when they flirt with being used as a compensation instead of dealing with other issues, or whether we use them for pure pleasure, to make the most of the moment without desiring to hide or escape. I find Cary's words accurate in representing a particular process one goes through in dealing with traumatic experiences.

'When we stop using drugs we find our lives are full of stuff. It's overwhelming!

It's like we're living in this room with a million boxes all still sealed up and piled all around us over our heads, blocking out the windows and doors. So we begin to unpack. Slowly. Most of it we'd rather leave in the boxes but it's like the boxes are piled up all around us and we're stuck in this tiny room and until we open the boxes and unpack them one by one we can't get out of the room. We hear voices outside and have the feeling it's a sunny day out there and people are having a great time but we're in here with all these boxes and inside some of them are very painful memories. So for a while we just sit there and try to catch our breath. Luckily, we find when we stop using drugs that we can sit in a room quietly and know that for now things are OK. We learn to catch little moments where everything is just OK right now. Plus, it helps that we can't really get out of the room anyway. So we learn to sit and breathe, and nobody is forcing us to open the boxes before we're ready.

But eventually, we begin opening the boxes. Now the best way to do it, I think, is with a partner -- a therapist or recovery sponsor. Because we need a structure, a plan, a way to open each box, and a plan for what to do with the contents of each box.

All the things you dream of will come to you. It's just not going to happen right this second. Right this second, you're sitting in a room full of boxes, and they have to be unpacked before you can get out of the room. Outside there's sunlight and friendship and love and people are waiting for you. They're not going anywhere. They'll be there. You don't have to hurry. All you have to do is start unpacking the boxes. But don't start until you're ready, and don't start until you have someone there with you to help you, to witness the gifts and the horrors. Yes, there will be some horrors. But listen, some of these boxes contain marvelous and forgotten treasures. It's not just all a bunch of pain and junk and horror in there. There are lots of treasures in these boxes that you've neglected or forgotten. There's a whole lifetime in there.

Everything you deserve will come, and what was taken from you will be returned. It just takes time.'

Fighting against natural instincts

After much consideration I have come to these thoughts.

How can one 'choose' how we feel, one doesn't choose to be heartbroken. Are we asking ourselves too much in 'being' fine? To say we are 'being' and one chooses how they feel, in going against our learned instincts; isn't this the opposite of 'being' itself?!

Song of the day, two

Some lessons learned

Words shake through my hands in this current madness. Though if madness brings thoughts and passion through writing, then so be it. I would rather record the honesty in my being than to loose such records of wisdom. Who knows where they shall lead. For I feel exposed to all judgement and opinions from those that know and do not know me all too well. Let these be lessons. 

 

Choosing how you feel

If the way to be is to choose how you feel, then how come for many many years have we believed that the emotions we feel just happen? Surely, as incredible as human intelligence and the ability to evolve is, wouldn't we have adapted, learned and self taught ourselves by now that this is the better option in thinking? Wouldn't this just be healthier? Why does it take a book and the learning's from others for us to recognise a better way of being. How come we have to adapt our brains into adjusting to choosing how we feel, instead of going with our natural instincts?

Perhaps we are all just screwed from the moment of birth. I mean, I can see how we are all propagandised in a sense and conditioned to think how we do-we all learn processes like walking e.t.c We only know how to walk because one of us has taught us to walk that way.

Damn, I have just contradicted my own questions-do I know without putting into words yet? Lets look at it this way, how much of what we read sounds far too idealistic? For me now, even when writing do I realise my own self battle in trying to achieve this potential and not getting or understanding it too immediately. In fact, I find the most annoying thing is that I do understand it. I am the one who says, it is all so silly, it feels like that within those words I get it. Though I am a hypocrite in not living it. We all know the ideal way to live, the unrealistic beginning to it all is that whether we like it or not, the ideal doesn't come at an instant. Life is, a HUGE challenge of patience. I don't like to run before I can walk. I always feel about 80 years old instead of 21. I would say that within the journey of patience it comes down to us who chooses to source the outcome. Personally I haven't really understood self harm, I see it as ridiculous when at the end of the day we all know those that do it seek help. Self harm is only going backwards, or being in a stagnant state. Everything we do in self abuse is a cry for help; a release, a way to beat up, mask, distract from what we are going through. In recent exploration to a new learned way of thinking (most of which I feel I have discussed already in person with others, though being named differently in the form of 'zen') we of course choose to self-harm. But do we choose to be depressed? The body is like a robot after all, so isn't depression a form of chemical imbalance?

What I need to remind myself though, is that 'zen' isn't always constant. I suppose the choosing how we feel, that self strength effectively isn't constant either.

I become reminded by my theory (whether it is original or not, who knows and am not claiming extensively that I am original) that we tend to have three parts. Body, active mind and that other mind who realises stuff before we do ourselves, the subconscious. I have a constant self battle in trying to understand how we work, and the book argues against my instincts of course in accepting that what we do happens, just because. The book argues that we choose how we feel. But how we feel of course is caused by chemicals in our brain. Am I just missing the point and not understanding or explaining properly?! We can't choose chemicals? Therefore we can't choose emotions. So wouldn't that mean we aren't in control of choosing how we feel, when we know at times we (OF COURSE!!) desire to not get stressed about something, yet we do. Or at times we choose to think about things way too much yet we do. However, this is when my part 3 of how we work comes into it. Doesn't part 3 know that without getting stressed about things, surely the answers wouldn't have been and become without all the of the processes before!?

I really cannot tell if I am making sense to anyone so feedback would be greatly appreciated. May be I am going mad!! (or am I choosing to go mad...blah blahh blahhhhh!!!)

Familiar words

Several lines from my latest read:

'It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways mean you've lost them forever.'
Your Erroneous Zones. Dr Wayne W.Dyer. 1977

Lyrics of the day, two

Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Oh, who are we to turn each others heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?

Oh, I don't like the way I never listen to myself
I feel like I'm on fire and too shy to cry for help
Oh, I don't think you owe me much at all

This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

I'm feeling down about this love

Who are you to make me feel so good?
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?
Oh, I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart
We're falling on each other like we're always in the dark
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all, at all

This love is not what you want
This heart will never be yours
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

Perfect timing for a book

Recently I have began reading a book. It's funny how you have something in your hands for ages but only do you start using it, reading it, when you begin to take note of what's in front of you.

I found some poignant quotes, some of which I agree massively with and some of which I find a little extreme and very hard to empathise with, yet I know that is just me and my being at this current time. I think it necessary to list the quotes, I'm sure I will build discussion relating to some of them in the near future.

'Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that what have you had?...What one loses one loses, make no mistake about that.. The right time is any time that one is still so lucky as to have...Live!'
1903. Henry James The Ambassadors.

Words such as these I find are always good to return to when one is in doubt, angst, worry about something. I like to be reminded as one gets a bit lost sometimes and overwhelmed with many choice ahead. The most apparent thing I have realised recently is that, well, it is all in my hands. The book I read demonstrates how everything is about choice, and that what we feel isn't just because, it is because we choose to feel it. I suppose that without realising it, we feel a particular emotion in order to get a result. This I feel is when I talk and think about moments when I have only realised what was happening within myself, after particular choices or changes have occurred. The answer sometimes is always so simple, so 'in your face' at the time. I think most just hold onto a lot of stress and angst at the same time so the possible and clear decision becomes very, very clouded. 

I find myself in a large position of choice right now. Whether to go with what feels right, though scared about the outcome. Too much weighing back and forth is occurring right now for me and I think that is the biggest problem. Where is all the stress coming from? I know I said I wouldn't talk in riddles but here I feel best to express without mentioning true events, just in case... I feel like one answer is so clear yet all the fear is linked to it as well. But why?! Why not just go for it? I wonder how long one, or people in general can believe in patience. Yo-Yo-ing I can't cope with anymore. But the ultimate argument is-am I just creating this all myself? As the book says, we chose how we feel and it just doesn't happen. Part of me just wants to be, so perhaps am I causing all self angst in order to drive self to go for what I want, for what I want to achieve-in the form of self motivation. Though I fear that is just the thing, am I thinking clearly enough to make the right decision. What if it is made and consequences show it wasn't the right decision?! Can we go back? However the outcome, we can only go forwards, once the decision is made all is out of our hands. All one can do is say what one feels and accept the outcome, regardless. We don't know unless we ask, say, mention. TALK!

A good example is fear. When one fears it spurs self to act impulsively. For me, well I wasn't happy with where I was living. So. Boom, job search, LONDON. I had to move out of HOME. I have always been furiously independent and once you move away from home (as student) it feels so weird to go back. It's like going back ten years and becoming 8 years old again. Fear spurred me onto searching for a job, and I found one. The move commenced and so did happy times. Fear=job search=move=happy me. So, could you say I choose to feel fear as that encouraged me to look for jobs? However, couldn't you argue that one could choose in this situation to not be stressed, and not to be unhappy, therefore I could have done the same task in searching for a job but just let it 'be' more. I could have done exactly the same task, felt less stress towards it, yet come out with the same outcome?! I would like Dr Wayne W. Dyer to answer that.

Lyrics of the day

The following lyrics have been cut from one of my favourite songs. I may have blogged this already before. The music doesn't matter in this case. To me it is all about the words.

'You know this is your biggest mistake, what a waste, what a waste, what a waste.
And of all the things you never explained, well you know this is your biggest mistake...

It's a shame you don't know what your running from, would your bones have to break and your lights turn off, would it take the end of time to hear your heart's false start?'

The art of music

I think the best thing about music, is how for tunes that have lyrics-they echo around your head. I love how listening to a song, whether it intends to have the meaning you think it does or not, how the lyrics pound through your brain like hands flowing through water. If those lyrics make sense to you, then so be it. It's like someone perfectly hits a beat in song and syncs it to image.

I couldn't live without sound. I feel very lucky to be able to hear music and also sense the journey throughout each song. Music is so powerful I believe when listening to it sometimes you can almost sense what the musician is going through and feeling throughout that song. Music can take you anywhere, I always get the most from it when traveling or lying in a room with my thoughts.

Song of the day

I feel today will be full of song, so here is one of them. Enjoy.

Rolling in the Cheese

I have read about this event before, Cheese rolling in Gloucestershire. The concerns with it before were health and safety, perhaps regulations were concerned that the event would get out of hand and people may be put in danger.

I experienced issues like this in film making, the argument is do you seek permission and get rejected? Or keep hush and then score your film! Or in this case, cheese!

It would seem that threats have occurred now in a raise of a participation fee, I am sure this money is going towards running the event-including the health and safety precautions in order to allow the event to happen in the first place! It tires me that such regulations have come into place EVERYWHERE when it comes to health and safety, I am very surprised there are concerns still even when the events are outside. Fire safety and evacuation processes are important and understandably they deserve the attention with health and safety regulations. Though with events outdoors, I continue to get annoyed that everyone wants some sort of responsibility back up towards 'what may occur', yet at the end of the day everyone really just wants to have a good time!

With big crowds, doesn't it just involve common sense. Keep an eye out for yourself and those around you, if this idea was consistent throughout a roll on effect would take place, surely there wouldn't be a problem. It is a shame that such past events, whichever they may be, have got out of hand and initiated the intensity on peoples safety. I know such event in a small village in Caerleon (South Wales) were banned in racing around the area. People would design their own cars as such, some would race around in bathtubs. However, because of health and safety issues, access to public toilets e.t.c the event had to end. Perhaps if we were given a chance to prove that such events can be handled without so much regulation required, more opportunities will arise for other cultural happenings.

Song of the day

After my evening last night, this song feels appropriate.

Colours, colours, colours

Grace in coffee

Morning world.


The quiet before the storm.


AM. Morning time. Breakfast time. Coffee time. Or tea if that be your preferred aid as well.


Not only do I enjoy the taste, but coffee feels like a comfort cup. Whether it's an Americano, or a 'Big Skinny Cappuccino' as my friends shout out for my order, as typical as this sounds coffee sometimes feels like a nice hug in a mug, cup, glass (if you're having a late).


For me breakfast time, and even the time before you have to leave the house, is a variable moment for one to just gather and be. Once you leave the house, it is all action plan to reach your destination. I always find it the quiet before the storm because as the day goes on, only more do your own thoughts develop and all the drama commence. For every individual that can either be a good thing, or a bad thing. When we wake, all feels at one level and only throughout the day shall events begin to turn-we will always be surprised.

Song of the day

'A moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs...'

Fear In The Apprentice

Again I become amazed by the fact that the underperformance lies in pretty much all of them showing signs of panic. Panic, fear and desperation is among many faces and they don't make any sales. I think we forget that it is even within the tiniest things, such as the tone of our voice which gives indications of ones lack of personal faith.

The fear forms a cloud. It is a shame that it paralises our ability to perform. Stress is slowly killing us, and not always in the most obvious forms.

Falling in love with Mrs Obama

Upon visit to a school, Michelle Obama gets perspective realistic with schoolgirls. It is people like this, who reach out to others that I really admire. There is no grandeur, superficial 'I am doing this to prove my worth and status'. With the Obama's, in my gut instinct it does feel genuine.
'Mrs Obama told the schoolgirls that they had to break through all the barriers of prejudice and self doubt.

 

She had faced the same doubts about "fitting in" when she went to college, she said. "Doubts don't go away, you just learn to deal with them"...

 

Maybe she'd already seen one motorcade too many, as she told the girls the whole point of the presidency was to help young people such as themselves.

"The dresses, the cars, the horses, the carriages... I can watch that on TV," she told them with a shrug.'

In my limited knowledge for what the Royals do for the country, even though this is written by the BBC (with whom I feel in general sometimes they are perhaps too general and scared to tell it like it is in their articles) I value a warmer and more human approach to political figures. Most of the time, when we read about politicians, or the opposite world of 'celebrities' we forget they are people too. The media becomes a dangerous world for those who reluct themselves to representation, automatically they take on a responsibility in creating a respectable role model figure. I believe it is up to us in order to accept or reject their ideology, however I can understand the pressure mounted on each person featuring in the media. What should or shouldn't they say about anything? You could say that the safe option is to say nothing at all, but to me that seems cowardice. For Michelle Obama I completely respect her desire to advise children, and not simply smile and wave. Michelle Obama has a natural grace, she shows her heart and we feel it too; something of which all children would appreciate more, whether it's from a teacher or a school visitor.

Blogging vulnerability

When I began this blog I felt excitement and eager to display my words for the world to see, whatever the feedback I may receive. The vulnerability in showing and not hiding in a sense with words felt quite liberating, the idea at the back of my mind felt like a challenge to the wide world web. I felt like, come on then, throw it at me-your words of critique. Over the last few months of writing my blog, moments when I have looked back and re-read sections have I noticed that, as previously mentioned, they do feel like riddles. I find what interests me the most lately about blogging is that now I want to approach it with a stronger raw existence, though a large percentage of me is doubting how exclusive to be with my words.

The following article is a great example into the world of blogging and how honest and open one can be about their lifestyle. I find myself very interested by the journey this girl has taken in beginning her blog, and also closing it too.
With me personally, I find when writing, or at least when about to write-I do wonder with the words that are about to explode, whether online on my blog is the right place for them. I mean, perhaps the words are just questions and are not directed at right source? How much are they a cry for help. Sometimes I wonder whether they would be more suitable for a personal diary instead of an online blog. My posts are shared through Facebook and there are several people on there that know me, but don't KNOW me. In all honesty as much as this comes across as insulting, the list of 'friends' I have on my facebook makes me laugh. Of course, hundreds numbered on my 'Friend' list, actually aren't friends and are more like associates. I don't want to exhaust too much of the idea of what makes a person a 'friend'; but with regards to blogging am I all too sure I want to expose myself to those who I haven't seen in years, to those that I haven't seen in years, to those that don't know me. Am I doubting everyone's levels of compassion towards someone who may not seem 100% about their life?

I feel like a hypocrite to my own desires in holding back online. When is the right time to really express how I feel? To know the people I walk by everyday see my true expression in words, which perhaps feels so raw because 95% percent of the time they see a smile, not the madness which goes inside my head. I suppose one way of looking at it is that if they aren't ready to know, don't click on the link-but there isn't exactly a sense of warning (I will not get into my classification discussion-I used my dissertation for that). At the end of the day I need to accept that I still am trying to protect myself, of course I don't want anything else to add to the situation, be that comments expressing views of, is this girl crazy? I know deep down I don't want to be treated any differently.

These words, my eyes felt hot by their own admission:

'I've simply stopped writing about the many things that continue to scare and confuse me. I've long believed that there is nothing embarrassing about admitting human frailty, but when I try to write about college nowadays, I catch myself pulling back from every little unflattering anecdote, rewriting the circumstances and characters, and wanting to put forth a more attractive version of who I am. Though I am never overtly disingenuous, I occasionally feel like I'm living a lie of omission by not owning up to being constantly plagued by the same doubts that haunted me at Harvard: that I am not merely unworthy of a school but that I am too damaged to be worthy of love.'

'Don't sue people. Just heal.'...Cary Tennis does it again

I have written before about my admiration for his writing. I suppose I aspire to have his skill one day in his warm and impressive, natural ability in reaching out to people. Whether the story applies to them or not, I know when I read his letters it is almost like he puts a smile inside of me. A soul smile I suppose you could call it. His words make sense, they flow like poetry that rhymes:

'Meanwhile, just heal. Don't sue people. Just heal. Live a quiet life of healing. Find a doctor who will treat you as a whole person....

I say, Take a deep breath. You take a deep breath and walk out of the park to the street. I watch you drive away and I watch the dogs play, and I take a few minutes before getting in my car. I have one of those thoughts I have often, about the mystery and vastness of the world. Then I get in my car.'

Song of the day

"I've got too much time on my hands'...

Film Found!

Coming from a documentary background, this is pretty cool. More films have been discovered, it's amazing they still work after so many years of being hidden away!

A child called 'Pie' and another named 'Like'

Facebook is inspirational for all... In reading about changing the law to allow children under 13 to use social networking sites, restrictions apply because of cyber-bullying concerns (and assurably peadophile scares as well, not sure why they haven't mentioned that yet), I have also come across the website inspiring some for the names of their children. Everyday Facebook never fails to impress me on its ability to influence and connect the world.

For me personally it also, through a friend's profile picture and in recognising the kitchen tiles, allowed me to see who now rents my old house. Coincidence!

Sex bonus

German salesman rewarded with sex. Please tell me if I am naive in saying this, but if that is what the men wanted-is it really that wrong? There is no mention of a general consensus taken for a reward party, towards what events would take place, is it right to assume they all knew of such things to take place.

I am still surprised how often the media writes about sex, articles like this always seem surprised that people have sex-for fun! Most of the time the media features stories about affairs, women looking like sluts or men rolling around with several females (mostly in their 20s). There seems to be a natural association to sex, as it being sordid or dramatically seen as...wrong. No wonder Britain still holds the notion of 'thou shan't talk about sex'. I am getting rather bored of it.  Perhaps finance companies have shot themselves in the foot in keeping up appearances. I find it all the more amusing, considering most of the time business men are faced with attractive women everyday-men are very bad at hiding sexual interest and for a prostitute reward to be seen as something that shouldn't happen again-well the article didn't voice that some were distraught by it! Once one is seen in a social environment, a little less formal and reserved than the daily norm, worry seems to kick in. Perhaps this article and the words spoken are a sort of 'back up' to ensure the company hasn't got their priorities mixed up...

"It was a mistake but we are very sure that it was a unique event."

Though in their response, 'unique' it definitely was (I am sure they had to bite their tongues in stopping them smirking or winking at the journalist.) Prostitues, oh shame. Sex on a plate...oh dear poor them...

The rapture

I think this quote highlights the nature of religion:

"We're in the business of telling people maybe there is someone you can talk to, and that's God."

Business...See that is why religion seems too 'worked out' for me. I find there is too much thought in religion. I loved the stories as a kid, we all can learn from the moral and these are adapted into many different everyday modern situations. I hate that people become so concerned with a source for guidance, though my concerns are strong in the sense that the guidance is something you can't quite get your hands on. Sometimes religion feels like a desperation, a drug, a purpose. A cushion? I don't like that for some it becomes a basis for their lives. I don't see it as healthy.

Personally, I could not keep up with the constant disappointment of it all. In placing so must trust in the idea of a rapture, just isn't practical. Knowing that many people would have spent their life long savings leading up to one day, for that day not to come and then having to start all over again. Tough times. Where is the logic?

Maybe it is just me, I always try to be as realistic towards everything when possible. Understandably. But with our lifestyles, for people that provide a model impression or status, how often can we give the benefit of the doubt? Also, does it make it harder to give when some aren't willing to give so soon anyways? It is like this with job hunting as well, a CV feels like a passport sometimes as we constantly have to identify our being, with personal skills and abilities. If we took on responsibility at work for a task we could not do and got found out about it, I'm pretty sure most would receive warning or to the extreme of being fired. Yet those religious, some aren't always so quick to 'fire' their God. Or at least the person voicing their God's guidance. How many times can they be told about the rapture before considering perhaps believing in the sort is not for them? Is continuing the faith doing more damage then benefit?

Once we give the benefit of the doubt, it becomes something which is very hard to take away. I wonder whether it becomes more of a reflection or test in our own levels of faith; whether this concerns religion or our own strength in believing in others, compared to what we provide the benefit for-be it religion, a person, a product. Only for so long can our patience be tested. The real test perhaps is within ourselves to believe in making the right decisions with no regrets afterwards.

Song of the day, two

'I will one day shine with you'

Windy walk to work

You would think strong windy weather would dry your eyes out. Whether it was the wind or the music, one had to hold their breath this morning to keep the tears in. We all need releases and we go to all sorts of forms to get that; 'a night out', drinking, drugs, 'a night in', food, television-the release tends to be an escape and we let off steam. It's funny because even though we desire such event we know afterwards the problem will still exist.

One has to remember to take time for themselves otherwise they may explode, or in my case not. We all have our own ways of dealing with stress; some cry all the time, some don't, some get angry, some abuse and fill the body with factors too much unnecessary. They all sound like negative sources. For me, the tears won't come. I think one has gotten to a stage where tears, even if they prick my eyelids-they won't roll down my face. I don't believe we run out of tears because I cried last week over other matters, one silly one including being poked up the nose (yes up my nose, how pleasant). I know there is heartbreak, but only now am I learning there are different kinds. I think this one I am feeling makes everything seem slow and I feel almost out of breath. I feel like I am craving air to sweep over me and rock me away. Perhaps this is where music acts like a great blanket and the motion of traveling lifts me into a floor-less zone. There is no bottom, as such, no seat, no lean. Just weightlessness.

I'm good at seeming happy, I'm good at lying about being happy. Not only is it my full time job anyways, when you utter words over again and fake a smile the lie only becomes too easy and you begin to believe it yourself. At first...Everything builds of course, and all will hit you in the face-all it takes is a small reminder to bring it all back. The difference is that I fake it when asked, how are you? The funny part of it all is that in that moment I actually am happy, talking to whom I am talking with, sharing stories and learning about their life. The difference in happiness is when you are alone it is a dangerous healthy being.

I have to remember the words, take a hour out for yourself everyday. More so than ever do I believe those words. Otherwise I feel one may crack up, the mind dithers over thoughts for a quick fix. Don't fret, not in a negative sense-I am far beyond abusing myself with food, legal or illegal substances or even causing self harm. I am too smart for that kind. If I am going to get a release, It will be in a healthy form. Sad energy will be put into something productive as such because I know in time when the wind does settle I want to look back and not regret. I always say to this day I don't regret anything, but in 6 months time If I looked back on things and knew I had put a stone of weight on, had a bad night on drugs, puked my guts up over alcohol- of course you look back knowing you can't do anything about the past-but is there really any need to add more drama? I think one would spend more time in future being annoyed about past activities.

Who knows what journey I will take. All I can say is that it is very strange being, so excited about the world and heartbroken with it at the same time. Perhaps that is my own gift, the light looks different to me compared to what others may think.

Song of the day

I want to go sailing, or at least lie on top of water and float.

Weekend sing song

Car, sun, sea, cider, good people and BANTER!

Listen to this song on the way to surf, sand, burgers and fires. Feel the wind and smile.

Socially awkward

Most probably wouldn't think this, so it is quite amusing to write this, forever am I impressed by self-reflection and piecing everything back together again. Perhaps May is the time of the year for me of flashbacks and puzzle pieces nearing a strange infinite completion...

I now realise how socially awkward I have been. Of course everyday fluctuates for people depending on mood and whether you do just want to sit and observe, or to chat amongst new faces and familiar ones. However, only now do I realise times in the past were I could have made better use of situations-and why I handled them in the way I did then.

My brain feels like a constant 'cogg' which keeps spinning, and finds ways though hard to make it stop, or at least slow down! I think now the realisation comes from engaging with new people, and getting to know others a bit better too. I find the best example to give is when people dance, whether it's bad music-understandably if it's not to ones taste then your body will naturally find it hard to give in to the music. However, when it comes to a sobering factor where dancing just doesn't seem to work, thankfully for me this notion has disappeared. For those that may not find it as natural to, (without trying to sound patronising) let go, for me personally I liked to surround myself with those that did. It kind of established that it was ok to dance and move, if no-one was looking at my friends weird, then why would they look at me too?

I find the best way to see social situations are, most of the time the people you meet won't remember you tomorrow, next week or in a months time e.t.c. If one were to visit a club and see those dancing, we have all done it and thought wow, they look funny, silly, good, bad, e.t.c Yet do we really remember their faces and who they are next week, unless a poignant connection with them has been made?!

In socialising I like to apply this theory to mind, because within this idea inhibitions tend to be forgotten about. In an ideal world we all would think like this of course, everyday we tend to battle with our natural reactions into whether to go for it, or not. It makes me smile when we get to 'certain places' as we call them, that place of comfortable, with people for what we talk about, and don't talk about. Most of the time it is all linked to fear in unwanting to be judged, the other side is also chosing what one wishes to discuss because sometimes when a particular topic is brought up, it becomes more about the other person listening and not knowing what to say-or is it one protecting self and not wanting pity or the unwanted response?!

This is where I find socialing very interesting these days and sometimes I like to see it as a sort of game, or well perhaps a constant surprise. My job is all about representing and being the face value of companies. If I look, say something, bad, do something wrong it reflects on the people upstairs. In a sense, if you look at it one way-that is hilarious. To think one would judge one person and hold it against many others!...Doesn't it all seem so silly! Because of the importance held on representation, not just in my role but with everyday situations too, when meeting new people I find one has built a certain awareness of knowing when is the right time to say something, and when is not. There are always different worlds to balance between in saying what you really want to one another, and knowing when to hold back.

To apply this to what could be said as my social development; I find now less fear in questioning whether I should say what I feel. With some situations and environments aside, deep down I couldn't walk away from an event having thought 'I could have said more'. I want to say what I think, regardless. Words end up falling out of my mouth anyways, but to do that and not worry afterwards, well lucky me. I feel my new challenge should be the actions I do instead. Whether it involves giving more of a hug then a smile to one, or whether it involves going with my instinct to dance when no-one else is, or to run about just because I can. Perhaps most would agree they would like to come away from a social situation and say, yeah...that was good, that was really good! I love how we all end up connecting. 

Blogging =

A space for too many thoughts...

Or so many thoughts!

Shut up brain and put it into words!

The keyboard is like a drum. Bang bang bang and voila! We have contact.

Tea and coast

What a wonderful weekend it has been. Such memories, old and new have been thought about and it feels good. It always feels weird going back to a place where you used to live. There are strange attachments which I suppose I have to juggle in my mind, some vary in familiarising self with parts of old memories and piecing things back together again, and the others...well they are a bit blurred as they mix with present thoughts too.

Everytime I visit, my birthplace in Dorset, I get pangs of 'oh this is what life could have been' and 'this is what life is for others'. For I do not regret anything, and finally have got over the whole 'what if' thoughts if one had continued living there many years ago. Now, instead of getting angry and frustrated I smile instead on my visits. Whether it involves catching up with a life long friend or family members I have to appreciate that I can go back anytime, just because one leaves doesn't make it any less of a home. The part that is the hardest, are the associations with a memory that, as much as I don't want it too, as I get older they become less like memories and more like confused flashbacks. One has to remind self they were real-a past part of life did exist, otherwise I wouldn't be here today without them!

Over lunch, with my whole family around me I like to take in every moment. I tend to sit in the middle because then I get both sides of conversation and can flow in between them as I wish. I rarely see my family and over the last ten years I have been lucky to have seen them all once a year-if that sometimes for some of them. Whilst they talk and I sit in silence I think their words mould into just sound, perhaps the realisation of how events turned over the last eleven years hit me and change becomes a startling thing. It's funny how sometimes your family don't feel like family, and just seem like figures. Sometimes when I visit I have to place old memories with the present just so it feels more alive again, it being the whole social event. As I sit at the table and listen around part of the voices blur because my thoughts become too loud to even consider conversation. My throat becomes trapped in fighting away tears, even though it feels like the most logical expression and emotion to have, one knows the moment now isn't the right time. It sounds contradictory, though one feels sad there are other moments when one has to deal with these ideas, because actually at that point the engagement between those I was surrounded with was a positive thing. I didn't want to coat it in with tears. It would add a bad taste to our food.

After coffee and tea, as well as a long night out and having spent more energy in fighting away sleepiness and grief, a lot of consideration had taken place. Even though many people may see distance and time as a relationship killer-in a way I find it strength. Over time it does wear one down but I think it also acts like a grower for your personal self. I think as you may know or not know family, for me personally it has established what one will say and won't say. Not in the secret sense, but in a saying it 'like it is' sense. I suppose it's like hairdresser conversation, though with family it isn't meant in the same way. Everytime I visit all the more am I reminded that one has a massive network of support. Whether this support is linked on a daily basis or on a less frequent level, I know I can go to them unconditionally. I think the words and hugs goodbye say it all without having to say too much. In the end a weekend trip becomes a reward as such. It feels like a kick start into getting on with things, however stressful they may be. Within the process though, I think the painful emotions deserve the time put into them. I don't know whether in front of the family would have been the right time, because one wouldn't want to feel more trapped in letting everything out, knowing that the position and location some are in-well would it add extra worry?

We all have our networks, our connections and relationships however geographically long they may be. The difference in this trip though is that however long the train journey was back to London (not that it is even that long) It's like the family feel closer just in the words they gave me as we hugged goodbye. A reunion will take place within the next few months, back in my second home in Wales. A mix of blurred memories and those clearer still. As realisation takes place between the last eleven years of events I think self feels all the more 'to grips' with things. The funniest part is when self pieces everything together again and remembers flashbacks are actually real events. Nostalgia is nice and encourages the motivation to make more events for present, and for them to become greater past times once the experience has been won. This is a time to not give up on things, or panic. Fighting against could be the worst way to handle everything.

Song of the day

I think the following song, feels like sounds of crying, of happiness, of pain flooding out of one. To me, it feels like a peacemaker, it feels like you are flying with the sounds. It is almost like a blanket or sheet and the string instruments are coating you in love.

Song of the day

Insecurities of a college girl

Upon reading a food blog, I came across a written perspective:

'On my way home from Minneapolis to Milwaukee, I got to thinking about how much I have changed since high school and even from freshman year of college, for that matter. I wanted to do a special post talking about insecurities. Here it goes-

[insecurities of a college girl]

Everyone is faced with some sort of insecurity. Maybe you think your eyes are too small, your nose is too pointy, or your ears are too big. Maybe you don’t like your freckles or the fact that you only have four toes. I used to be that girl, the one who was never good enough. Not for anyone else and definitely not for myself. I set ridiculous standards and was always striving to be something I wasn’t. My hair was too curly, my skin wasn’t smooth enough, my legs were too muscular, and I wasn’t thinner than the girl next to me.

Having one or two insecurities is perfectly normal (we’re only human), but a list that can't fit on your 10 fingers is not healthy.

What if social norms seized to exist? Or stereotypes? Would we still have insecurities? What if the girl on every magazine cover was a size 6 and had a little junk in the trunk. Would voluptuous be the new thin?

When I started college back in 2008, I was everything but me. I constantly attempted to live the stereotypical college girl life. I stayed up late, I ate- a lot, I skipped class, I was spontaneous, vulnerable, and surprisingly, I was happy- on the outside. On the inside, I was confused and extremely insecure. I wasn’t living for myself, rather for the stereotype.

 I didn’t take the time to ask myself who I wanted be because I was consumed in the thoughts of what other people might think or what they might say. What would my peers think if they found out a 20 year old college girl didn’t like alcohol? Or legitimately liked going to bed at 9:30? Or that quinoa was my favorite grain? How the heck do you even pronounce quinoa let alone cook quinoa? [Haha]

My insecurities led to some major anxiety. I was in a tough place and I thought I was alone. I wasn’t. I was there, for myself- the entire time. I just had stop and ask myself a few simple questions. What do I want? What do I love? Who am I? 

To be free from these irrational insecurities you need to wake up every morning and take a second to think, to breath, to be. Setting [attainable] goals for myself, being patient, growing, achieving, making mistakes, and shining through my insecurities were all part of this process. Eventually, I embraced the athletic thighs [and ba-donk-a-donk] and all of the genes I was blessed with.

What I’ve grown to realize is that we humans, are not perfect. The social standards that we have constructed for ourselves are just silly. That perfect girl, with the perfect legs and the perfect hair- why? Be different. Be healthy. The human race is fascinating- because we are all unique. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and you don't have to conform. You have the power to be who you want to be and that little something called society- doesn’t have as much control over your life as you may think.

Bam

-L '

Re-examine blog posts

Sometimes my posts don't make sense. They really don't. I think sometimes they sound like riddles...

Which is a shame because the idea of this blog is to get the message across, there is no point in writing if the message doesn't come across clearly! I suppose most feel like they are missing the true heart of my stories. They don't always show the true me. Whether it's accurate to say this or not, I suppose the true anyone will always be the more vulnerable part of self. I see a beauty in raw exposure, some may see it as weak, I prefer to see it more so as a personal invitation to figuring everything out, perhaps the ideology of life in a sense, a large part of this involves our personal selves too. We expose however much we desire of ourself, presenting parts we may like to show and of course holding back the bits we are unsure about. What makes me smile is how one learns about self everyday, we continue to surprise self and put together who we are. It is almost like we have to adjust and familiarise who we are in order to make and develop our own futures.

When I write sometimes I think about creating a place for my own thoughts too, of course everything I write comes from myself yet there are parts I know I hold back with. Sometimes I suppose I see no worth in writing it, because it only reflects my own angst. However, perhaps I have completely missed the point in taking some of my feelings away; because my writing can sometimes seem so superficial to the point that people have asked where I belong within the posts. I personally agree, and after reading past pieces I have discovered that my descriptions feel way too vague. I need to learn to give examples, maybe not in mentioning names- but how can one learn from confusion? I don't see a worth in writing what I do for people to read later and think, oh that makes sense. One has already learnt the ways of 'being', one needs to gather thoughts together now and make it sense for their own lives.

All the more, in writing this particular post also one has come to conclusion that perhaps I was protecting myself too. For in some ways I didn't want to show my own uncertainty about particulars just in case I would seem all the more mad, or even a hypocrite. There is a silliness in all of the above because of course as I say all too often, all one can do is learn. Not just myself though, others can learn too and assess the emotions also. After all, one of the best things to do is absorb it all. A lot of the time most of what we gather and gain from experience is done without even being aware of it at the time. Self realisation and strange nostalgic familiars I feel add to my contentment.

If at any time you think what I write is ridiculous, stupid, confusing, weird, good, bad...anything! Please let me know.

Thank you