Monday 23 May 2011

Tea and coast

What a wonderful weekend it has been. Such memories, old and new have been thought about and it feels good. It always feels weird going back to a place where you used to live. There are strange attachments which I suppose I have to juggle in my mind, some vary in familiarising self with parts of old memories and piecing things back together again, and the others...well they are a bit blurred as they mix with present thoughts too.

Everytime I visit, my birthplace in Dorset, I get pangs of 'oh this is what life could have been' and 'this is what life is for others'. For I do not regret anything, and finally have got over the whole 'what if' thoughts if one had continued living there many years ago. Now, instead of getting angry and frustrated I smile instead on my visits. Whether it involves catching up with a life long friend or family members I have to appreciate that I can go back anytime, just because one leaves doesn't make it any less of a home. The part that is the hardest, are the associations with a memory that, as much as I don't want it too, as I get older they become less like memories and more like confused flashbacks. One has to remind self they were real-a past part of life did exist, otherwise I wouldn't be here today without them!

Over lunch, with my whole family around me I like to take in every moment. I tend to sit in the middle because then I get both sides of conversation and can flow in between them as I wish. I rarely see my family and over the last ten years I have been lucky to have seen them all once a year-if that sometimes for some of them. Whilst they talk and I sit in silence I think their words mould into just sound, perhaps the realisation of how events turned over the last eleven years hit me and change becomes a startling thing. It's funny how sometimes your family don't feel like family, and just seem like figures. Sometimes when I visit I have to place old memories with the present just so it feels more alive again, it being the whole social event. As I sit at the table and listen around part of the voices blur because my thoughts become too loud to even consider conversation. My throat becomes trapped in fighting away tears, even though it feels like the most logical expression and emotion to have, one knows the moment now isn't the right time. It sounds contradictory, though one feels sad there are other moments when one has to deal with these ideas, because actually at that point the engagement between those I was surrounded with was a positive thing. I didn't want to coat it in with tears. It would add a bad taste to our food.


After coffee and tea, as well as a long night out and having spent more energy in fighting away sleepiness and grief, a lot of consideration had taken place. Even though many people may see distance and time as a relationship killer-in a way I find it strength. Over time it does wear one down but I think it also acts like a grower for your personal self. I think as you may know or not know family, for me personally it has established what one will say and won't say. Not in the secret sense, but in a saying it 'like it is' sense. I suppose it's like hairdresser conversation, though with family it isn't meant in the same way. Everytime I visit all the more am I reminded that one has a massive network of support. Whether this support is linked on a daily basis or on a less frequent level, I know I can go to them unconditionally. I think the words and hugs goodbye say it all without having to say too much. In the end a weekend trip becomes a reward as such. It feels like a kick start into getting on with things, however stressful they may be. Within the process though, I think the painful emotions deserve the time put into them. I don't know whether in front of the family would have been the right time, because one wouldn't want to feel more trapped in letting everything out, knowing that the position and location some are in-well would it add extra worry?

We all have our networks, our connections and relationships however geographically long they may be. The difference in this trip though is that however long the train journey was back to London (not that it is even that long) It's like the family feel closer just in the words they gave me as we hugged goodbye. A reunion will take place within the next few months, back in my second home in Wales. A mix of blurred memories and those clearer still. As realisation takes place between the last eleven years of events I think self feels all the more 'to grips' with things. The funniest part is when self pieces everything together again and remembers flashbacks are actually real events. Nostalgia is nice and encourages the motivation to make more events for present, and for them to become greater past times once the experience has been won. This is a time to not give up on things, or panic. Fighting against could be the worst way to handle everything.

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