Friday 21 October 2011

Clank Pan Bam

My little treasure.

It has been a while. But i've needed a bit more colour...

http://abithinesy.blogspot.com

Friday 26 August 2011

Dean, this is for you


Pink news

Today a lady with pink hair gave me some good news. Some very good news.

It's definitely why we all need to wear more colour, and feel colour and be colour.

And love the world again (Yes I know I sound like a hippy). But it's true. The simple things keep you going. For me, its cupcakes, creation (music, food, art, writing) and of course my friends and family.

This song is for today.

From now on, I want things to look up. No excuses. I'm not going to miss out on anything.

Thursday 25 August 2011

Art Exhibition: Love Is What You Want, Tracey Emin

I saw this exhibition at the most perfect time. My brain is like a black space filled with millions of colourful puzzle pieces; some fit and some don't, and that's just me.

I find art exhibitions quite interesting, more so from how they make me feel. Most of the time I can't wait to see them, but when I am there I feel desperate to get outside again. They can be quite...stuffy. Whether thats the people, or just the fact that most of the time you have to be quiet and there can be too many people around you tend to feel a bit squashed, theres a strange sense I feel when there-perhaps it was this exhibition itself.

Tracey Emin has has her heart ripped out and put back in again. It fits 97% right, but there's a slight gap and slight un-fix where her soul has been placed back in an awkward angle. I really feel for her. Perhaps there should be limits in the amount of people that can attend such exhibitions; I try to imagine myself alone, completely alone with no body around me so I can capture and inhale all that I see.

One of my faveourite moments was when I was able to enter the neon room by myself. It was more a long black corridoor lit by fantastic words of art. Some echoed in my mind, all too familiar as some I had once kept telling myself:

Of course no picture truly represents the great colour blaring in your face in person. Clearly, this woman has really suffered, she's been depressed. A blank gritty being in which is all too familiar.

Myself, a past in documentary film making-one of her documentaries I saw I really did not enjoy. 'Sometimes the dress is worth more money than the money'. Whether it is because I didn't understand it completely or, well. Who knows. In room 3 'trauma' recorded her collection of pieces representing her experience of abortion. Words echo with me when watching the film... I can't remember the name or find it yet (I hope to find it scrawling through the exhibition book I bought-will add it in!!), the words Tracey speaks describing how you feel like a failure, that ultimate guilt and failure of what you have become, in getting pregnant unexpectedly, saying 'it wasn't choosing to have an abortion it was choosing to not have a child', were very interesting. I'm glad she had her boyfriend there, though the shock that it didn't work in the first place, Tracey had to be rushed into hospital were at this point as she made her way out of the taxi, something slipped and she realised between her thighs and her hands was the dead fetus a failed abortion had left her with. I'm sure we all know what it feels like when our body gives up on us and medical procedures aren't always what they promised...

I can't remember whether I dreamt this, or if it was something I saw recently. Ok it was, it was on a modelling programme stuck on E4 for sometime recently. The phrase 'I just wanna give her a hug'. Well it's a phrase commonly said (though not for a while now) between someone I know-we both share the understanding of this desire. Clearly, when there is so much animosity in one person you know there is something else going on inside. We all have butchered attempts at trying to hide it; with anger, arrogance, sarcasm, being loud, being quiet, binge eating, drinking, substances e.t.c. though some have the ability to see past this and recognise all this person is doing is crying for help. They are trying to fix themselves in some way-there is always a difference in helping yourself in a healthy way, or a negative way.

I want to hug Tracey Emin. I love her work. Of course, it is all an expression of her-it has clearly been her release. I think when one experiences all that pain and all the puzzles we require in order to stick back our brains again we have to find healthy ways to do so, otherwise we risk going into greater danger again. We need to filter the good from our experiences:
'I think all the experiences add to make the person but I could have done well without the traumas in my life. What I've done is used my experiences to my advantage, turning the negative around to the positive. That's one of the greatest things that trauma can teach.'

We can all learn from this, its the beauty of Tracey Emin. What I also find remarkable about her is in her Blankets she quotes (often through her other pieces as well):

'So beautiful'
 Hopefully you are able to see in the top left blanket, Tracey writes. Amongst all the ugly she speaks about she quotes 'so beautiful' in how I feel she is almost laughing knowingly that there is beauty within the bleak ugly that we feel. We laugh, we smile with our experiences and learn.

There was a moment when I discovered Tracey's abortion pieces on the wall; a iud copper coil, pregnancy tests, flowers in the name of blood aborted fetus. I don't know if it's from medical self experiences or if someone who was diving into the unknown at that experience; at first I was unsure about the set up and the room, as I said at the start I felt desperate to get out of the exhibition and whizz through (knowing in my mind I had paid to see her, it also kept me from walking out), the more I delved the more I didn't want to stay. In my 90 minutes of being there, I felt her and felt myself in a way I haven't for a long time. I don't believe its the finding someone else who has experience all of this pain, I didn't feel like finally someone else who has felt similar things. I believe most of all I felt, it was nice for someone to let it out. She's let it all out, again something of which we can all learn from.

There was also a girl who I heard mutter 'why on earth did she get herself pregnant'. I'm not sure if this girl believe in abortion or not (abortion I am totally for), perhaps she didn't understand Tracey's motives behind it. The layout for me was perfect in the 'Trauma' section because for someone like me who doesn't know her history, you piece together her emotions in a pattern, unknown to how it all happened. We also read a marvellous piece written by Tracey's madness in working out whether she was pregnant or not (this time she wasn't) though we sense she has a strange relationship with fertility. It's only then when we move onto a dark room (with the film name I am unable to remember) that she goes on to explain her fertility is 90% odd positive to not get pregnant and that the Doctors totally cocked up her chances in being put through for an abortion.

We all will roll our eyes at the NHS. All money aside, health shouldn't be messed with especially just because our treatment is free.

Tracey's self portraits of masturbation, words gashing out heartbreak and signs of penis hope. It is a bleak cold and hot pursuit of love unattainable to ones self. I've felt it myself, in a way you want to abuse yourself because you feel so ugly, so rejected and thrown, smashed to pieces in a way you clamour onto methods and ways to stretch your mind from thinking about them. And these to be released. To be performed. Discussed, let go of, and freed.

I loved Tracey Emin's documentary on being free, with dancing. Out of all the shit she has become free for her and no-one else.

I'm sure I will have more words to add to this piece.

Song of the day


Missing you

Clanky pan I miss you and I also miss myself. I think that's why you have become a distant measure of my writing.

You will be continued, I promise. I don't make promises that often, though this one is going to exist.


Sunday 24 July 2011

The Clanky Pan, that is me

Hello blog. I have missed you for a good few weeks. I think I have been asleep for a very long time, months even. Things only now just seem to look light again.

There has been a series of unfortunate events, all to self. Some created by self and some which have purely happened out of my hands. In all honesty I have been too afraid to blog in the past in fear of not writing anything which may be good enough, all in aid of facing up to the real facts of my life-past and present.

Time wears us and forever will I believe in the 'bruised brain' theory. Though, with our bruised brains, perhaps they will always be bruised until we truly deal with our ways from the past and making them clearer in the present. I have always said, and will always say that one can only learn; this being from self and from others too. For me it only takes a few words or a glance of an eye to get some perspective from those I talk to. I love it so. Their adventures make mine all the more worthwhile.

One of the things I find most interesting, not only about the people I know but the generalisation we all hold to ourselves; will anybody ever escape that phase of hating ourselves for some particular reason? I wouldn't say it is guilt towards our behaviour towards others, just the matter of hating ourselves for literally being who we are. What seems most unfortunate in it all is that a huge part which creates these thoughts are not always self inflicted, some come from the words of others which build in our own mind and weigh us down. The more we hear something from someone I think it understandable in it being unavoidable to absorb-we feel worthless. Also, we have a strange bearing to overwhelm ourselves with self hate purely caused by our own personalities and thoughts. With what should seem the norm seems so much effort and motivation to even look after self, it goes out of the window.

These self stages are very scary.

My words must seem very vague. Whilst writing this piece, well of course I want to write the truth. I want to write the tales of my last two weeks, though for the mean time until my mind is set I shall linger.

I think right now, I am going through a stage of huge overwhelment. Pieces of the puzzle have come to a close, it feels like the beginning of an end and of course a new horizon to explore. One can only feel so gifted with joy all the while feeling like there is no chance one wants to let go...just in case.

If the pieces of the puzzle have come together, well, why does one still have to express some fear? Perhaps hesitation would be a more appropriate word considering a person experiences something fairly traumatic, like I say, we learn from our experiences. Shouldn't one know that if someone puts all into something, it's better doing that than saying you gave half of your effort. Right now all of my efforts should be in putting things straight, building myself back up again and establishing who I was months ago. Months ago there was no fear, only courage.

That image needs to re-appear again. What can you throw at me now, but not in a negative sense. Those words now should mean, what can you throw at me now-what else is there that I can explore?

Wednesday 13 July 2011

I find the following words quite interesting. I think I and others, have fallen into the trap of the said, below:
'So yeah, it's maddening, to me, to be living in a world where much of human behavior seems transparent, and you wonder why the other person isn't acknowledging things that seem pretty obvious. But when you push, it comes off like you're being superior, like you have all the answers. When of course it's pretty much the opposite, that you've seen just how few answers you actually do have.'
Though I believe the following words make sense towards the ethics behind trying to enlighten people.
'We are talking about sides of ourselves that are seeking fullness, seeking to come into being or come into fullness. Rather than focus on the "I" at the center of things, we realize that we live in a nexus of many emerging selves. For me, for instance, there is the musician and the woodsman and the solitary one, and the lover and the friend and the writer. And some of these personalities are unpleasant; they seek to dominate, to destroy, to take; they are uncivilized and animalistic. There is in me the arrogant, imperious one who seeks to know all and slay all rivals. There is the one who seeks to break all fetters, to tear out of the classroom and run free. There is the one who wants to rip up the room and expose all pretense and get everyone drunk...

We tend to acknowledge the parts of ourselves that we think are good. But the parts we think are not so good, they get irritated when neglected, and they come around too, nudging us, wanting recognition.
I do not know what this kind of therapy is called. I only know that for quite some time I would regularly sit on a rug and be asked, "What is most present right now? What is most alive?" And  this question was an invitation to these archetypes to express themselves. And as a consequence I became more friendly with parts of myself and more attuned to their requests to appear.
So it is a kind of organizing method, akin, I suppose, to the tarot: a set of archetypes.
And the beauty of it was, for me, to see myself less as the master of all around me, responsible for everything, and more as a kind of hapless dad, powerless over several vibrant and emerging lives: responsible for their needs but powerless over their ultimate shape. That is how I view myself today, as the water boy for a strange team.
So I buy instruments for my musician self. I give him lots of practice time. Etc.
Also on that strange team is, of course, the one I call "me." But the "me" is increasingly a mystery.'

Monday 11 July 2011

Rules in Relationships

The following words link back to a previous post.
'I think a lot of people worry that non-monogamy means that you are more unstable in your relationship and that monogamy is a way of guarding against outside threats to your relationship. But you're suggesting that non-monogamy can actually help strengthen a relationship.

For some relationships. It would really threaten others. I'm not recommending it as a program, I'm recommending it as an option. I think what people have to do is negotiate and be honest about what their needs are and mate with people who have the same desires and goals. I tell a lot of stories in the book of different gay relationships, including absolute monogamy where no breach would ever be tolerated.
The idea is to make the vows that you really want to keep, and to know that over the life course you might have to renegotiate them. The idea of cheating is when you break the promise and there's only one promise you're supposed to make -- so we're going to get a lot of promise breakers. But if you allow people to promise what they really mean to promise and are able to do, you'll have fewer cheaters because you would have different definitions of what cheating means. Cheating would mean breaking the terms of whatever agreement is made.
When you were saying that you're advocating for people to be honest about what they need, it struck me that it can be hard to even personally know what's right for you because of the way that monogamy is put on such a cultural pedestal.
You're absolutely right. The argument against my position, one that I take seriously, is that without a template or background rules, you leave too much to negotiation and disagreements. I take it seriously, but I still think it's a better alternative to feel an obligation to be honest with yourself and honest with your partner.'
I like this as it reinforces communication between the people you want to be involved with. One doesn't know where they stand unless otherwise stated. In finding more articles like the above, I feel it establishes more that we all need to make our own rules. Perhaps settling for what we think we should do is a way of life that should start to be forgotten about. In making our rules it further enhances our own lifestyle desires, our own goals and in all putting the power in our own hands towards self's level of happiness. Sometimes we forget that not only do we negotiate with others, we accidentally negotiate with ourselves.

Sunday 10 July 2011

Its a new dawn, its a new day...

Its a new life...and I don't want to come home!!!

Plans changed this weekend and I made a last minute trip back to Wales to see the family. I've been longing all week to come back and see my mum and everyone, sometimes you just can't put off your feelings.

More than ever before, well I haven't really ever felt like this before when leaving the family home-I just really don't want to go back to London today!! I'm really dreading the train. 3 and a half hours of, erm wishing I was just going back in the other direction.

Though, we all make journeys for a reason. Who knows what may come of it

Saturday 9 July 2011

State of Mind

When one lies back in a glorious bed, fantastic music and beautiful scenery. One realises their state of mind:

So overwhelmed one wishes to cry, but no release will come. Body chemicals raise and lower and balance and unbalance. When will the settlement come? I think I need to take a steady pace, and breath. No coma is going to cure this.

The status of Clanky Pan

I apologise for my lack of posting. I think this is probably the third apology I have claimed.

Whether I blog about the real reason things have been a little slack, well...I am not sure what step to take, for in telling the truth would only be a benefit to self. I must have, subconsciously and perhaps now consciously, been putting pressure on self to blog and therefore nothing has come from it.

Sometimes the mind spirals and is pulled in so many opposing directions, one finds it hard to centre. I think this weekend will provide tales for Clanky Pan; some are already building in my head, when an idea comes about it starts phrasing in my mind like some alter ego narration (a bit like JD from Scrubs)

Lets see what happens later... who knows what I may tell. Will it be good for audience sake? And may the consequences be?

Song of the day

Sometimes songs feel like flashbacks

Friday 8 July 2011

Guy With Beard On The Walk To Work

Don't be shy!! Smile at me when I walk past and glance at you! I'm not going to burn you with my brown eyes!...

I still find amazement when you see your commute regulars on the way to work. It feels like an added bonus if you see them on the way home as well. It is quite funny when people seem too scared to smile...

Thursday 7 July 2011

Poo Patt

I used to jump in cow pats when I was a kid. The news states farmers are looking for pig poo to build high revenues. Words of the such bring me back to childhood memories, walking around fields in Dorset, discovering old roman roads, the smell of grass and jumping in crispy cow patts hardened from the sun. Wellies definitely came in handy!

Sounds, Socialising and Speed Dating

This sounds like fun, literally! On Sunday 10th July I hope to attend a social event involving the sharing of music playlists over beer, cake and of course the best part-meeting new people! Here is the organisers website. Also, more links involving their blogs (charity based bakers) and The Note Well Website which seems like it is still in development.

Wednesday 6 July 2011

In Love and Sex

I found the following words quite interesting given the post I made yesterday:
'In my memoir I have exposed myself – not just sexually but emotionally. I've shown myself as weak, sometimes naive, and written about sexual rejection. A reviewer says she finds my emotional candour more shocking than the sex. I find this fascinating. The British are very squeamish about emotions too. Is owning up to rejection a bigger taboo than sex? I have written from the point of view of making what I thought was a colossal error: sex, I say, ruined my life. We have been given a formula for a "valid" relationship: it must combine sexual and platonic love. If a relationship isn't sexual, it isn't the real thing.
Yet love affairs come in every size and shape. Whether a person lives in passionate celibacy with another, or in a blaze of erotic desire with someone they find annoying, there are hundreds of flavours and mixtures of love. I made myself unhappy measuring my love against a given norm. The truth is, we make ourselves happy in among a wide variety of loves; all count.'

Tuesday 5 July 2011

Is monogamy a dependancy to hide our inhibitions?

Talking from the perspective someone has gained in being exposed to the idea of polyamory, I have come across this article detailing the rules of monogamy, yet they consistently seem to be broken in the public eye.
'There's this sort of naive thinking that somewhere, somehow one public figure is going to prove to us that you can do [long-term monogamy], and then there's the indignation and second-guessing that happens when their infidelity is exposed.'
Whether people have affairs, open relationships, multiple loves in relationships (polyamorists) or remain monogamous; it is questionable to what makes one decide in going ahead in seeking others attention. It could be flattery, it could be lust, it could be seeking into the unknown. Sometimes people just catch the attention of another and this is fulfilled in having sex. If this is a one off or not, in my eyes, this would only seem wrong if one of the two people involved have agreed to a monogamous relationship-isn't that what the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' means these days. You make a commitment to one another by not seeing other people; though I want to examine why we feel the need to make this idea apparent. What is there to prove?

We regularly hear phrases like 'I wouldn't know what to do without them', or 'they make me feel complete'; but why?! Yes, these sentences represent ideals in proclaiming the strength of love but for what reasons do they fulfill the person involved? I believe if these words are said, at least they should be carried with known connections to another person-you know what life is like without them, of course you would survive, but wouldn't you prefer them to be in your life as they are wonderful! Not because they are fulfilling a purpose?! I do wonder myself whether how much we may rely on another person, and at what point does someone who we think we have romantic feelings for-do they become a dependency to our happiness as well?

One the one hand, you could say that before you meet somebody your life was good. Perhaps it wasn't until you met girl or boy that your life got even better. This idea I like. Though the alternative which is less of my preference; life always seem liked something was missing until girl/boy came into your life. Surely we should be completing our own goals and life ambitions before a person seems to complete our lost limb?...( I have always found this curious when young couples 'settle down', and have always felt there is a danger in assuming what you want, yet then this seems harder to change when things don't pan out as expected.)

Sometimes it seems that if there are deeper issues involved within self, this can accidentally become transferred onto another. Do we then see our other half as fixing the issue or just as a pleasant distraction towards dealing with the ultimate topic itself? I think when it comes to becoming romantically involved with someone, I find it idealistic to know more of who you are yourself before you become in risk of developing your mind and attaching it to someone elses. I prefer not to doubt self and develop a false sense of self belief in feeling more complete just because there is someone else around who is amazing, in your life. Sometimes it's personal experiences of the such which may lead to one thinking of wider ideas in our interaction with people. Just because monogamy is the norm, doesn't mean it's the only way. Most people see polygamy as something based upon religion (and also looking at divorce statistics, surely the idea of having more wives would make any person scared enough to even consider the idea!); most people forget the idea of polyamory-or at least an open relationship. I have come to establish that most individuals whether they are involved with another or not, forget to make their own rules.

I mean, polyamory stands for loving more than one. I believe if you are going to follow through with this notion, you have to make your own rules and stick to them as well. In observation it would see that with this lifestyle, making the rules and sticking to them becomes easier in experience of polyamory. You don't know what is right for you until having tried something; sometimes rules are spoken, made and broken and the wrong people get hurt...Most importantly with this concept, there needs to be no threat received from any party involved. Ones love for another doesn't affect the love for someone else; though this idea for me personally provides so many challenges in circumstances; location, it all being a balancing act e.t.c., perhaps that is more appropriate for another post...

In returning to exploring different ideas of 'relationships'; polyamory doesn't always have to flow with everyone involved. Just because one connection may have two loves, doesn't mean one of those two loves has several others as well. Loves in this case, doesn't just mean sex. Polyamory idealises romantic feelings for several people. I personally know that, well I couldn't cope too well in having strong love for one, and perhaps another person. I strongly believe in open relationships; though this too has its problems with those you may date, feeling second best to 'the one' you have made clear to them, you love. (There is a risk in it feeling like a sorting situation, in proposing this idea of openness yet it seeming like a set up to narrow people down to 'the one'.) I think that's what most people forget and where infidelity occurs. If you want to sleep with someone else, or even get to know them a little better-isn't it better to be honest with them about it instead of going behind their back. Sometimes you just don't know what reaction you may get. The 'other half' may be comfortable with this idea as well; they may have dabbled with the ideas themselves as well. This is where I think people should make their own rules, why do you think so many married couples play with the idea of swinging as well.

For me, I know that love creates priorities. All of our life experiences create priorities which in a way make love all the more harder, and sometimes our ideas of love even harder too maintain. Why do we think people divorce after 20 years of marriage? It's scary to think 20 years ago a couple were so so happy, yet all that time later both of those individuals have changed, either grown apart from each other, an affair has triggered the separation, or they mutually hate one another. Love seems all the more scary and these situations further challenge the idea of 'the one' itself. In meeting other people, feeling for other people-to what extent does this challenge the strength of ones love?

There are people out there to meet in the world, so why not go out there and meet them?! Some may look at it as an amazing opportunity, to meet, dine, date, sleep with all of those fantastic people you meet and have great life experiences. However, the other idea is that some people-well they just love someone so much that no-one else really shines through. It would seem that this is some sort of instinctual behaviour for humans and love. Sometimes are feelings are just so whole, powerful and overwhelming that the phrase 'love is blind' really does apply. So does this concept challenge polyamorists in their desires to explore with others?

I once read the quote from a famous Actor, Johnny Depp who said:
"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really love the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

So where does feeling for others really come from? Are we just too scared in putting too much value on one?? Is this the reason why people choose to break from the rules of monogamy or is it our own natural desires to feel 'free' and wanting to explore other people as well?

You could say, it's a massive step in personal development. Perhaps one gets to a point where they realise that there is no other lifestyle for them and that experiencing life with several people is more amazing than experiencing it with one. You can't really argue with that if it's what makes them happy. I see an importance though in getting the rules right, no-one intentionally wants someone they become involved with to get hurt. However accidental pain always occurs:
'It seems like we use monogamy to protect against the possibility of our feelings, or our partner's feelings, being redirected toward another person -- in other words, falling in love with someone else.
Right, right -- that is the paradox. To the extent that we do use monogamy as a guarantee of that, we may blow the occasional infidelity out of proportion. We end up saying, "Oh my god, this is a threat to the relationship," when in fact it might not have meant anything.'
Whether it's a difference between lusting for another and feeling emotion for another, on separate occasions or at the same time; I think monogamy needs to take a little more re-education itself. Why are we fulfilling it, is it really what we want? I still believe that most people go along with that flow of life because it is what they know, forgetting their own rules and opportunities which are available to be made.

Monday 4 July 2011

GP: Shouldn't this rather stand for, Generally Prioritising?

Apologies if this offends, but in my experience and perhaps most will agree; General Practitioners really do press my buttons...

The biggest question for me is, how ill do you have to seem to thoroughly get listened too? Of course we could all put on the sympathy act in this case, but when you have to relay to your doctor what has been the problem and what the next steps they wanted to take are-this doesn't actually help towards developing your faith in someone who pretty much is in control of your health.

Sure, its fair to say that they do have time schedules and we are limited to 5-10 minutes per appointment; though when it comes to tests, what to look for-I would like to instigate some confidence that they can prioritise the particulars they are looking for. When something gets forgotten about it becomes very hard in a sense to forgive or more to the point, remain calm. Health I believe is something you just can't just neglect.

Whats natural about being 'natural' these days?

An article from the guardian discusses 'the natural look', to what extent this idea has evolved at present for women.

Song of the day

Friday 1 July 2011

Sex and Violence In Film

This kind of article would have been good for my dissertation last year detailing a discussion between whether sex and violence in cinema should be deemed taboo. Sex columnist Tracey Clark-Flory details the scepticism between classification in America; stricter rules towards taboos against sex in film yet less stricter rules against sex and violence.

It seems like the public can't accept the visualisation of pleasure in humans. Perhaps porn is responsible for this; though porn is created in order to arouse it's audience, where as in film sex is used to represent. I made the point within my essay, why does there have to be so much control over the consequences in film? I mean we see murder scenes, drug taking, torture within film and television and only age warnings come about that (have they missed that ideas towards impending violence on others could occur?!); but when it comes to sex on our screens any element seems to be shunned just incase the audience gets any pleasure from it themselves. There seems to be a concern with self control, or even how much control such societies can have over us in order to avoid risk taking responsibility themselves for our actions. Does it all come from paranoia and issues (like the extreme procedures towards health and safety as well) caused by angry members of the public? I admire how Tracey ends her words:
'Sometimes I really have to wonder who we're most trying to protect by restricting sexual imagery.'
She is right! I do wonder whether those in control of viewing such material are more concerned about the consequences towards going against the social norm? I say lets give it a go and see what happens. Surely you would rather the audience have a larger knowledge of sexual pleasure, than sexual pain and physcial violence caused! I don't see any shame in that.

Unicorns, Darwin and Freud

I have recently picked up the book 'Darwin's Worms', by Adam Phillips detailing his thoughts on Darwin and Freud. The following words stood out to me:
'Darwin and Freud, as we shall see, are notably skeptical about what was once called the 'perfectibility' of Man. Indeed, for both of them we are the animals who seem to suffer, above all, from our ideals. Indeed, it is part of the moral gist of their work not merely that we use our ideals to deny, to over-protect ourselves from, reality; but that these ideals- of redemption, of cure, of progress, of absolute knowledge, of pure goodness- are refuges that stop us living in the world as it is and finding out what it is like, and therefore what we could be like in it. Darwin and Freud, that is to say, give us their versions of reality-that they call nature, and by implication human nature- in order to persuade us to reconsider our hopes for ourselves.

We have been looking, they suggest, in the wrong place, for the wrong thing; spellbound by ideas of progress and self knowledge only to discover not that, as we already knew, such things were difficult and demanding, but that they quite literally didn't exist, and didn't give us the kinds of lives we wanted. That we might have been hunting for unicorns when our energies might have been better spent. That the one pleasure we have denied ourselves is the please of reality (what Freud called the 'reality principle' wasn't merely- or solely-the enemy of pleasure but its guarantor).'

Song of the day, two

Song of the day

Thursday 30 June 2011

Self Diagnosis

There's a slight vulnerability in self diagnosis over the internet; the most ironic part is that we never have resolve. Who is to trust reading sources when we aren't qualified Doctors ourselves? All we end up doing is diagnosing self with more stress!

In a strange and contradicting sense, I think it is good that the internet provides so much amazing information, a new library adaptable and instant to our fingertips. When it comes to health, it's something we all need to treat with respect. As much as we learn from internet sources, we need to have faith in Doctors themselves. It can be a struggle to take time off work, to book appointments or register at the Doctors in the first place; though if one thinks about the circumstances to self if we let ourselves go, these particulars seem less important over the fear and doubt in kidding ourselves we are getting better-or even if there is nothing wrong.

To wonder is the worst, we all like resolve and need answers. Why put self through more stress? It is all so silly, and all the more harder to face the truth. But the truth may take you to new places and new horizons no levels of self diagnosis could bring to one.

Take care of one. Please.

Song of the day

This is beautiful, it could move me to tears. Sometimes I find songs can capture what you feel within your instinct.

What sounds can you make with your penis?!

I love nature; it's articles like this which make you appreciate the wonders of the world even more. I am reminded of my childhood days watching David Attenborough Life Planet series with his soothing voice commenting on the characteristics of each animal featured in a episode.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

Alcohol No Surprise

Alcohol has been found linked contributing to suicide rates. Are we all really that surprised considering most know this substance is a depressant. Tell me something I don't know already...please!

Song of the day

I think I have posted this one before, I find it just, gorgeous. It would definitely be on my 'funeral' song list.

Tuesday 28 June 2011

Walking ways

How do you walk? With your head up straight, looking down at the curb or staring high into space?

Our posture, our presence represents how we feel. Sometimes I stride in long steps, giraffe like and fast. Sometimes the ground seems more interesting then looking at the sky. The sky can be blinding at times.

Song of the day, two

Song of the day

Monday 27 June 2011

Song of the day, three

Blog development

Given that this is a blog focusing on perspective, life, happiness and making the most of self. I feel it would be wise and fun to include pictures of what goes on in my life too! How can I talk about achieving happiness and being if there are few images to reflect and demonstrate it as well!

I would like to thank the blogs I follow who inspire me daily. I think it is their attitudes expressed in sharing their worlds with us that I would like to become all the more a part of. Who knows where bigger stories may lead, into bigger adventures?!

New best thing...

Frozen Yogurt from Itsu!!!

Handling Hate

Hate, I find is such a worthless emotion. It doesn't achieve anything and it doesn't solve anything. You could say it is a mere self comfort in reassuring/convincing self that what we feel is justified; it feels like a reaction to an emotion which is essentially empty, unless we decide to do anything with the given emotion. Everything we feels steers us towards making decisions and we take action to solve our mental equation.

Essentially we do our self more damage in feeling such emotions, it's like a armour to feeling vulnerable towards something linked with what we care so much about. How dare 'insert particular annoyance' can affect your happiness. You feel sick, you feel angry, you snap, you do things unexpected of your natural self. We seek release from such an ugly emotion...However, we learn from it as well.

All the more does hate make us realise what we need to face, whether it's the fear attached to the hate, a moment of clarity in fighting against our instinctual thoughts or accepting circumstances out of your control. I see no worth in hating a person-it becomes more of an issue for you then than theirs. To hold such emotion towards a person only gets in the way of sorting things out. It would be a backwards task in achieving your own happiness. Let go and feel fresh.

Today

I am feeling very nervous and anxious today. I do not like it. It is just not me.

Song of the day, two

Song of the day

Saturday 25 June 2011

Song of the day, two

Song of the day

I've posted this song today, but on my travels today it captures the flowing moments of fun:

Sea breeze, coffee and catch ups

A change of scenery, letting off steam, meeting with new and old. I love our natural perspective. Talking to others isn't about confirming your ideas, it isn't about looking for answers-it's about sharing you. Uncontrollably letting somebody in only brings you together. Perhaps it's a natural bond between humans; a level of understanding which beautifully creates connection so euphoric words or images can't compare. It is no vulnerability, it is building and sharing lifestyle. Isn't that what life is all about?

We reach out to others, we reach to our self. A contradictory yet powerful part of me could in a sense walk away from what I have now in order to explore the world and just keep going-though there is part which also wants to make my mark and career my way up in the world. Regardless of those desires, they will only happen when instinct sets in and I shall make those opportunities arise. What events occur in ones life shapes our desires and ways we wish to live. The more that happens to us provides more of an idea to self for our own personal happy goals. Though these will always change and we need to be prepared for that too.

Our adventures are within our own hands and we should make the most of what is on our doorstep. I have always loved the quote from one of my favourite films:
'Take a look around, see what you like'...
Because isn't that what life is all about (those words are becoming slightly over used with moi), we pick and choose what we like and what we are willing to try. It's all a process in which we must absorb. A lot of the time we read books and philosophies which tell us ways to be yet these methods deep down we already know. I think most of us have good perspective which can basically differentiate between wrong and right for self. Sometimes it involves a little self training too though to get grips on embracing those preferences too. How much can we fight against our instincts to go forwards when fear is the only part to hold us back? Fear is becoming all the more tedious and I want to kick it in the face.

When feeling change towards something, guilt cannot exist towards it. In fact perhaps excitement should occur all the more. When a door shuts many more open; majoritively I believe, in making decisions for ourselves we allow more doors to open too. Perhaps a change of wind occurs and other pathways blow open. If the weather becomes windy I like to imagine it like a strong pair of arms wrapping you up, not in comfort but ushering you along your way. It feels like a loose yet steady structure which you choose and allow it to seize you through and beyond. Days like that I wish I could stand near the edge of a cliff, or hill out looking onto the beyond yet remaining solute and planted...wind makes you feel like flying, if only we could float in air as well.

Another favourite quote of mine too:
'And if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and see your friends'...
Lonely, or being alone. None of which is weakness. For me I love to share, I love to seek and find and explore. My life is all about adventure and I only want to reach out to others and build it up with them too. People in our life act like foundations for self to grow and develop even more; without anything and everything I interact with today I wouldn't be me. We should be proud of who we are and unafraid to just be ourselves. No holding back these days eh?! For me it's not about lonely, I only want to learn more. Self time is great but to learn with others as well-it's something I wish it be unstoppable forever.

Friday 24 June 2011

Naked Shots

This is awesome!

Controlling Our Fears

Coming across an interesting article detailing the mass of anxiety problems within the city, it hit home a little:
'Mindfulness training – which teaches you to stay in the moment and pay attention to all your mental and physical sensations without attempting to judge or fix them – is what saved me. And there's an increasing amount of scientific evidence that it's an effective way to treat both depression and anxiety, whether urban or rural...I recently sat alone in pitch darkness on the beach and realised I was perfectly OK with the immenseness of it all, the small dot of me in this enormous world. I wasn't in control, not at all, but so what? I was there, and that was enough.'
I want to say more about this but am finding it hard to put my thoughts into words. Mine lie with thoughts of, if anxiety doesn't get sorted out you may end up killing yourself-slowly or literally.

A life of long unhappiness is my ultimate fear, but in a large number of ways it is in my control whether this happens or not. There will always be factors in or out of our control which affect how happiness turns out; as said in the above quote, we have our own sensations which tell us when things become too much and we have to start listening to ourselves-as much as we keeping telling self we must go on, sometimes you need to stop and rest too.

I wonder how indestructible we can adapt ourselves to external factors which affect our levels of happy. There are so many parts to our brain and continuously do I realise my lessons have been learnt only when it is too late-it is then when things become clearer and more apparent. However I love this notion as well. I feel much more accomplishment in having moments of clarity when I take myself away from something. It feels like reward. In a way, it makes what seemed so complicated even easier to achieve-only to enhance my happiness.

Personally, I have always said you can't reach the high until you truly feel the low; of course there are several levels of low (some being quite dangerous) yet once action is taken to bring yourself back up again (using positive methods) only happiness can be achieved once more.

Dating Death

When you hear your mother tell you she 'is not scared about dying', you would think that initial reactions lead to one feeling sad and afraid. Though hearing those words act more like a comfort in knowing levels of acceptance have occurred. My concern lies with whether (this applies to all of us to) if we accept death and become unafraid, are we then making the most of the life we have? In the process of accepting death, is it right to say we could comfortably accept our outcome if we are satisfied in the continuous process in developing our lives?

Life is based around pleasure (and the opposite being fear); if we simplify and look at daily occurrences perhaps most would recognise if we went back to basics (in a scavenging for ourselves kind) our priorities would change. Factors in which we fuss about may be reflected on and challenged in a good sense. What really does make us happy? Come to think of it, life is simple-we only make it complicated for ourselves in wanting more and living in fear of our desires becoming unattainable.

If death has become more imminent for you than expected; it's blogs such as 'Alices' Bucket List' I think highlights the sheer importance of living and our priorities. The fact that David Cameron wishes to do his best to complete her list before she dies is a marvellous anticipation of life. I hope the rest of the world recognises if we knew we didn't have long as we thought, much less hesitance would occur in holding ourselves back. I would hope everyone experience all they wish for too.

It's moments like these, hearing about people out there with illness or disabilities or anything which hinders their way of living to the norm which most of us are lucky to have; prioritising takes place. If something isn't quite right then do something about it. If it means analysing and taking a step back from things then go for it. Priority is to enjoy your life. I think taking a step back may take two outcomes; you may not be as concerned about particular things in your life anymore, or you become more hands on and sort out the particulars you doubt.

We all have our own mental check list of what makes us happy, what we want to achieve and lifestyles we want to have and enjoy in the future. Life is a chase for all of our self achievements to be fulfilled; so when life's end is more imminent for some, or if living as a torturous being to self exists
 (so living may not even feel quite like life anymore) what really means something to you shines out more. Imagine once it's gone, you may want to make the most of it now.

Thursday 23 June 2011

Song of the day, three

Refinding yourself

Words one can only admire from Carey Tennis:
My challenge to a therapist is this: "Tell me something I don't know. Surprise me." When I am led to see things that startle me, of which I had no inkling, that is priceless self-knowledge. And that can happen.

One thing you probably don't know about yourself is just how deeply you have been wounded. You cannot know this yet; in fact you have wisely prevented yourself from knowing this yet. It is as though, in a dream, we look down and see that we have been disemboweled; it is a moment of absolute terror; but we see that we have been disemboweled and yet we are fine! How can this be? How can we be so grievously wounded and yet smile peacefully and continue with our knitting or our guitar playing or whatever we are doing in our strange dream? We can do that because armed with the exquisite knowledge of the dream world we know that nothing can truly harm us, that we are spirit matter, that our consciousness is not affected by the disemboweling, and that it is only our severe waking attachment that causes us so much paralyzing fear.

Believing the wound is too deep to be seen, you have clouded your own sight from it. But you don't need to. There is someone who can guide you to the cliff edge from which that wound can be viewed at a safe distance, and you can see that it is just a wound to your spirit self, not your actual belly, and you can relax.

Spongebob Square...Mushroom?!

This is amazing! A new mushroom has been discovered and because of it's appearance, researchers have named it after the one and only Spongebob Squarepants!

Song of the day, two

Song of the day


We've only ever kissed lying down
We've only ever touched
When there's no one else around
I can be elusive
If you want me to
I'm not being intrusive
I just wish I knew the truth

As to why
I wait for you
Longer than the average person would
And why
I think about you
More than I think one should

Our bodies fit together
Like a make-shift puzzle
And it's clear to see why you puzzle me
And you turn your frame
And you whisper my name
As though I am a burden

Cause I'm making up for lost time
And I'm making up for you
And I'm waking up from last night
And I'm waking up with you
So what's new?
So what's new?

I am at your house
So I belong to you for now
Trying to impress you
But lord I don't know how
I can be a statue
If you want me to
I'm not being difficult
I just need to know the truth

As to why
I'm wanting you
And I would take you if I could
And why I'm still (lay?) here
It's something I still haven't understood

Our hands rest together
Like pieces of paper
But they're always blank
When I hold your hand
And it gave you a fright
When I stayed the night
And you gave yourself to me

Cause I'm making up for lost time
And I'm making up for you
And I'm waking up from last night
And I'm waking up with you
So what's new?
So what's new?

It's not the end
It's not the end
So don't lets pretend

Cause I'm making up for lost time
And I'm making up for you
And I'm waking up from last night
And I'm making up for you
So what's new?
So what's new?
So what's new?

Wednesday 22 June 2011

Stop complaining

Lets not complain about the rain when some countries are suffering from drought.

At least we have rain and water. Dance in it.

Song of the day


Enjoy, the video is beautiful.

Monday 20 June 2011

Drawing lines in our mind

When something difficult is going on in your life, there can be so many distractions and also positive things to focus on instead. I have always had an obsession perhaps you could say in sorting out the good in my life, to the parts which you could say are doing more damage. I have never had patience towards any given 'thing' which doesn't always feel like it's doing me any good.

As previously posted, when you think of the alternative from what you know-there are moments you think about which seem certain to lead towards unhappiness. How could we carry on without? More and more do I think that when recurrent thoughts come back to mind about situations we imagine putting our self in; surely that is saying more to us to go for it than to keep holding back?
Sometimes the decision is starting us in the face, whether it means a change for a short while or for permanent. We won't know whether the decision is right until we go for it. May be we all need to grab a pair of balls and swallow our pride in making such scary decisions. I've always hated to wonder and think it's about time I must stop kidding myself too. 

Parts of our lives exist for a reason; I will never stop believing that we will always learn. We always experience and always take so much from those moments. I draw a line over some in my mind and call it quits. It just feels right this time.

Song of the day

YUM!

For those of you that have a sweet tooth and enjoy a good dunk in their tea

Perspective Shots

Here are a few photographs taken from journalists in risky war situations. I think they put into perspective the value of life when we are willing put ourself in danger too.

Gower Skinny Dipping World Record

As previously spoken about in Clanky Pan; Skinny dippers hit a new world record of around 400 people!

Sunday 19 June 2011

Song of the day

A relationship with entrapment

Personally, I don't quite understand when people are together yet when asked about the relationship-they don't seem happy! Frustration lies in how long can you keep something up if you aren't happy? I wonder whether it is a question of love, its strength gives you the will to stay with someone in hope it will get better; however is the other side a fear of going into a new unknown which keeps people in the same position?

Perhaps there is too much fear in making the decision and not wanting to realise you have made a mistake. Though wouldn't that only enhance the love? Sure there is a question of too little too late, but if the unhappiness without someone overwhelms our stubborn nature in being rejected... I think we are all aware of the better alternative than being without.

However, for those who really aren't happy and end their current relationship; wouldn't it be good to instigate a bit of confidence in them knowing their decision is right, because it felt like the right thing to do and that it is ok to be interested in other people?! Sometimes it can be a case of not wanting to commit, yet if you can be upfront about how you want to live; if someone is interested in you enough I am sure they would like to adapt to your decisions as well.

We meet people for a reason, one can only learn.

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Naked Ballet Dancing Photographs

A previous post mentions the performance of naked ballet dancing. For those curious, here are the photographs to match.

Columbia Road

Looks like I am going to have to explore more of London this weekend: Columbia Road promises to have many quirky shops to explore-this one will definitely satisfy my sweet tooth.

Giving Blood

In reading about giving blood, I find this article from the BBC really doesn't exactly push the idea and importance in blood donations-they more so focus on the free drinks, biscuits and pain of the event.

Perhaps when writing about blood donations, they should emphasise statistical importance and the comparison of pain which flashes for 3 seconds-to the reward in knowing that your blood can save a life! I think descriptions detailing the feeling of blood giving is mentioned three times, I don't feel the article is supportive enough to justify listing these explanations!

Black and white emphasis needs to be made, if you can take the time out to give blood, feel a slight pain yourself (which is gone within seconds) compared to loosing a life-perhaps some would understand the selfishness in not giving our time as to those loosing their entire existance.

Philosophy today

This morning I have read a very interesting point made by a blog I follow. I think it's accurate in the fact it mentions:
'philosophy as a practice and not a subject, as a means, and not an end. '
Many people see their ways as the only way, I have always found that open mindedness is best. Life is always about variables and philosophy is always going to change according to human intelligence and life lessons. Science, new technology-we are constantly adapting to new ways of living. What we learn can never be set in stone; is it right in saying philosophy only makes sense to the individual based on their personal experiences-which make it just?

Will philosophy ever become outdated as the world continues to develop? Perhaps that is the most fascinating thing about life itself; sometimes things are always applicable to the individual-the power of life, self realisation and learning what is import to one, isn't always the priority for another. Life is about priorities, and without these complete we wouldn't be happy. Though, to make those in our life happy as well as ourselves, we adapt to others too along with completing our own wishes.

Today

I will write today!!!

Sorry for being lame and not posting!

Song of the day

Monday 13 June 2011

Apologies

For no posts!! I have been away over the weekend! Hopefully my hands will kick into action soon!

Friday 10 June 2011

Ann Patchett Interview

A good interview with Ann Patchett. Some lovely words to take note of:
"I think it's brain chemistry, I'm a positive, cheerful person and I think it is absolutely the luck of the draw. I think the life I have had has come largely from the chemicals in my head. I see my life as good and I think a lot of times if you see your life as good then that's how it turns out."

Song of the day

Thursday 9 June 2011

Song of the day

Something which kick starts my walk to work in the mornings

Wiggle your big toe

Sat on your arse thinking, I should do this, I have that to be getting on with...but you feel too tired to do it. That voice in your head spinning around saying, come on now, get on with it, you know you have too...

It's times like these I always think of Kill Bill Volume One, when Uma Thurman is sitting in the 'Pussy Wagon' trying to get her comatosed legs to come back to life. Sometimes I feel like that about myself when my motivation starts to fizzle. It can be a very frustrating feeling as I am one to just get things sorted. I think when one does become slightly sluggish towards the usual norms, clearly there is something else going on in the background! Sort it out, sort it out, sort it out!

A state of static is caused. One cannot move in all the uncertainty in trying to work it out, where does this feeling come from? We go round and round punishing ourselves, until we get answers. I still believe that what makes us most sick are ourselves.

A simply dangerous set up

Don't we really like it when thing's seem to go a lot easier than we initially thought? A part of us seems to expect the worse, though isn't this kind of attitude a danger in itself? We end up setting ourselves up with the wrong face on our shoulders and perhaps cause more tension then needs be.

Why not anticipate the unknown and say to yourself, I wonder how this may turn out. If thoughts of doubt linger over our head then they will affect our treatment towards a subject we may not feel 100% about. I think sometimes we don't give ourself enough credit in the power we have individually to change something around. In a way, what only makes something a little bit uncertain are the vibes we create with our mind. Our attitudes and levels of confidence represent to others as much as ourselves our capabilities, something only exists in truth if we all agree and believe it too. We can't always assume the worst.

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Pride and Ego Aside

When one tries to slow self down it's like everything around you becomes a little clearer. Sometimes when we slow down it means accepting the help of others: medication, advice or someone taking the extra little chores off your mind. In accepting help, it means putting all pride and egos aside. Let others in to help you, the only one you battle with otherwise is yourself.

A change to the name

'Just, Be...' has now changed to 'Clanky Pan'. It was advised to me and I have chosen to accept that my title should really represent where exactly I wish to go with this blog.

'Clanky Pan' comes from the story of, when asked to name what I would call my cafe it if were near a train station. At first I said 'Tin Foil', and in realising that was crap...'Clanky Pan' was born.

I think it best represents all of the random goings on in my brain, and the opinions to go with the rest of the world as well. Constantly working and making sounds.

Smelling an e-book

The discussion continues, also though prices over the production of books and download costs of e-books largely differ; I am STILL not convinced.


A book has that amazing new/old smell to it, also a book is a book, and that is all. That is the beauty of it. Where as with an e-book; technology is always developing and an e-book now won't be the same kind in ten years time.

At least I know where I stand with a book. $4 production costs momentarily, though an investment. With e-books money will be going out all the time for more and more development expenditures-I get tired of always having to upgrade.

Monday 6 June 2011

test for twitter

wahoo

Understanding the conscious

An interesting article from The Huffington Post in understanding our conscious. I have picked out quotes of which appealed most to me:
'In light of the reality of our postmodern predicament, engagement with spiritual inquiry becomes very potent and inherently meaningful, because what you are doing is not just philosophical and intellectual entertainment. You are actually trying to make sense of life in the biggest context for the biggest reasons. It's not a game. You are literally trying to create new grooves in consciousness -- new structures, deeper perspectives and higher potentials...
The intersubjective field, which is the self, can and does develop according to the level of participation of those individuals who are actually passionately concerned with its development.'

I find the following quote one of which I myself needs to listen to!
'...the problem is that when we begin to accumulate knowledge, our ego tends to get attached to the idea that it knows something. We often begin to feel that we are important simply because we know something. Knowledge makes the ego feel powerful, and more often than not creates a wall that protects and empowers that part of the self. And when we are attached to the idea of being someone who already knows, it's very difficult to learn or develop at the level of the soul. Especially when the context is enlightenment, development always involves venturing into unknown territory...Intersubjective evolution is always a matter of conscious, intentional, volitional, willing cooperation.'
'Not already knowing, at the deepest level, aligns us with the ground of all being, that primordial emptiness, inherently free and already liberated, that is the Self as unmanifest consciousness. Wanting to know, passionately, energetically wanting to understand, aligns us simultaneously with the Authentic Self, which is the evolutionary impulse or deepest manifest expression of consciousness.'
Some very poignant and accurate words to bear in mind. I find myself constantly seeking words to remind self of things I say, I already know and am aware about, yet for me I am need of reminders in the basic conscious learning. I need to learn it is ok to feel what I feel and to not battle against it in order to protect self from sadness. It all just needs to flow.

Bermondsey Street Festival

I am excited to read about a small festival taking place this September on the street I walk to and from to work upon, just a minute away from my flat!

Sunday 5 June 2011

Weekend wonder. Self control

Hello all, it's been a quiet one this weekend.

I love my room, I love the big window and the fact I can sit, lie and look at the sky. Wow that rhymed, unintentionally...

This room though, becomes a bit of a safety zone. So much occurs in this room, but even when I think to go out I can't quite work out where. I think it is due to a change in, 'diet', which is causing a sense of indifferent. I can't work out what to do with myself. Frustrating to say the least, I find myself getting very patient, yet impatient with my inability to concentrate on particular tasks. I am finding myself having to tell one, you must do this, at least several times over in my head. I hope I am not becoming shut off from myself!

Control is funny. All the while I am fighting with my body I also just want to lie in a room for a very long time. And do, nothing. Which is SO unlike me! I think it important when someone goes through stages such as these that we build ourselves up in ways and take control of our lives; so when the time comes when we reflect back and examine ourselves, we have less possibility in looking back in angst and regret. Now is the time to sort self out in ways one has always wanted too. Listen to your body.

Time alone is very very good for everyone. Even half an hour a day can do you justice. In my time alone this weekend I have had fantastic thoughts about those people I know and reaching out to them, knowing that there is still more work to be done in setting up my social circuit in London and also which direction I want to take my life. What once seemed scary isn't seeming so scary after all. I think a lot of how I felt in the past has been so so attached to fear that, well, what will be WILL be. And that is all. I think the new 'diet' is strange, yet good in the sense that I have been given a new way to calm and think a little bit clearer. I don't want to cause any more trouble for myself in reacting outrageously to what I am going through. It is a phase. Not forever. Because of this I feel all the more prepared and safe to cry. Safe to let go and be and deal with EVERYTHING. I need to handle this and more importantly I want to handle this. I don't want to shut down any more. I think I am beginning to remember what happy was, and is-in small doses. 

There is general happy, but for me perhaps my happy isn't always the same as everyone else's. Mine is euphoric. I know I look at the world differently to most I know. It isn't simple for me, yet is all at the same time. I want to feel my warm laughter, my smile which goes inside and out again. When I feel that, it comes from thinking about the people I know. My memories. It also comes from times I imagine when I think ahead; self goals and achievements to occur. I've been dancing in my room over the last couple of days and It has taken all week for that energy to come again. Once the head ache at the back of my head disappears hopefully things won't seem so spacey anymore!!

Friday 3 June 2011

Quote of the day

Targeting fear, as we all know that is what most hold backs in life come down to:
'It's best that we remind ourselves that there is less shame in failure and defeat than in never trying at all, that many great hearts and minds have risen from the ashes of multiple failures and defeat to reap the rewards of great success and prosperity.
Bottom line: we must be vigilant over our thoughts, stop the negativity and be positive and enthusiastic regardless of adversity and seemingly overwhelming odds against us, and push forward with one true thought always in the forefront of our consciousness. Win, lose or draw, it's much better to play the game than watch from the sidelines.'

Library and Book Debate

Returning to the discussion over the irreplaceable factors of books:
'...through books...Books are good company, in sad times and happy times, for books are people — people who have managed to stay alive by hiding between the covers of a book."'
One lunchtime I noticed a guy holding a Kindle, and it just looked so stiff. It would not rest on his leg properly, he had to carefully balance it whilst eating his lunch. Books make people and people make books.

Crying about Cancer

Mary Elizabeth Williams shares her story with coping with heartbreaking experiences, yet trying to remain the strong mother all at the same time.
'In less than a year, my daughters have experienced a lifetime of fears and anxieties and griefs. But they also witnessed a stunning outpouring of kindness and compassion, and have experienced so many moments of pure, radiant grace. Because of everything that's gone down, in profound new ways, we all love each other more deeply. We hold each other more tightly. And though my daughters know now, in a way I wish they didn't have to, that the world can be scary sometimes and that moms and dads cry too, I hope they've learned also that tears themselves are nothing to be afraid of. They just mean we're feeling our feelings.'

Beginners

Salon reviews the film 'Beginners', I was curious to this film to begin with though now I am very keen to watch it, and even go to the cinema to view. Yes, I know it seems weird for me to say that, but for someone who gets restless even with the thought of watching tv-cinemas can seem a tiny bit daunting.

I love the review, the following points I really take to heart. I have selected a few quotes which I think fit in nicely with perspective:
'Beginning with death, the end of an individual's life, has a peculiar elegance, in that it reminds us that human life is not primarily a question of individuals, and that places and objects and memories and threads of consciousness connect us across generations.'
'Hal was a museum curator, and he's right of course: Those things do fit together in some mysterious pattern. Allow yourself to see them in the right way, and they're beautiful.'

Song of the day

I fell asleep to classical music last night, and one included the above. Gorgeous!! Pretty sounds!! I think I always imagine clouds when I hear this kind of music.

Thursday 2 June 2011

Made In Chelsea

Usually a sentence like 'I am ashamed to admit, my guilty TV choice is 'Made In Chelsea', yet for me I have no guilt. I really enjoy it!

I feel drawn to programmes like these because of their desire for its demographic to endure an idea of ones lifestyle. We all desire to learn what is different from our own. Increasingly throughout the series, FINALLY the editing has got fairly better and some of the shots are beautifully captured.

Getting passed the conventions and structured scenes of 'Chelsea', I would like to focus on the particular lifestyles and attitudes shown within the programme. Of course we have to take everything with a pinch of salt, hours of endless editing exists to construct a storyline and exchanged glances across the table to create drama. All bitchiness aside, I find it interesting to examine the general attitudes across each character. 

Without mentioning names, I feel that though these people may be seen as to 'have it easy', a large part of me thinks they have their priorities in the right place. Their current day to day generally seems based on sourcing pleasure. They seek when to have the next best social event or together occasion. They thrive from being around others and enjoying themselves. Sure, we all assume that the rich are delusional towards what 'living' really is, though deep down we know that if there were a choice for ourselves-as if we would turn down the lavish lifestyle. 
To have a piece of 'what shall I do today, because I can', instead of 'what shall we do in two weeks because we have to save'...I am glad to see these people enjoying themselves and making the most of what they have got. If we saw people of the such moaning all the time (all personal dramas aside) and not going out at all-I am sure we would hold grudges about the programme even more!