Rules in Relationships

The following words link back to a previous post.

'I think a lot of people worry that non-monogamy means that you are more unstable in your relationship and that monogamy is a way of guarding against outside threats to your relationship. But you're suggesting that non-monogamy can actually help strengthen a relationship.

For some relationships. It would really threaten others. I'm not recommending it as a program, I'm recommending it as an option. I think what people have to do is negotiate and be honest about what their needs are and mate with people who have the same desires and goals. I tell a lot of stories in the book of different gay relationships, including absolute monogamy where no breach would ever be tolerated.

The idea is to make the vows that you really want to keep, and to know that over the life course you might have to renegotiate them. The idea of cheating is when you break the promise and there's only one promise you're supposed to make -- so we're going to get a lot of promise breakers. But if you allow people to promise what they really mean to promise and are able to do, you'll have fewer cheaters because you would have different definitions of what cheating means. Cheating would mean breaking the terms of whatever agreement is made.

When you were saying that you're advocating for people to be honest about what they need, it struck me that it can be hard to even personally know what's right for you because of the way that monogamy is put on such a cultural pedestal.

You're absolutely right. The argument against my position, one that I take seriously, is that without a template or background rules, you leave too much to negotiation and disagreements. I take it seriously, but I still think it's a better alternative to feel an obligation to be honest with yourself and honest with your partner.'

I like this as it reinforces communication between the people you want to be involved with. One doesn't know where they stand unless otherwise stated. In finding more articles like the above, I feel it establishes more that we all need to make our own rules. Perhaps settling for what we think we should do is a way of life that should start to be forgotten about. In making our rules it further enhances our own lifestyle desires, our own goals and in all putting the power in our own hands towards self's level of happiness. Sometimes we forget that not only do we negotiate with others, we accidentally negotiate with ourselves.