Sunday, 5 June 2011

Weekend wonder. Self control

Hello all, it's been a quiet one this weekend.

I love my room, I love the big window and the fact I can sit, lie and look at the sky. Wow that rhymed, unintentionally...

This room though, becomes a bit of a safety zone. So much occurs in this room, but even when I think to go out I can't quite work out where. I think it is due to a change in, 'diet', which is causing a sense of indifferent. I can't work out what to do with myself. Frustrating to say the least, I find myself getting very patient, yet impatient with my inability to concentrate on particular tasks. I am finding myself having to tell one, you must do this, at least several times over in my head. I hope I am not becoming shut off from myself!

Control is funny. All the while I am fighting with my body I also just want to lie in a room for a very long time. And do, nothing. Which is SO unlike me! I think it important when someone goes through stages such as these that we build ourselves up in ways and take control of our lives; so when the time comes when we reflect back and examine ourselves, we have less possibility in looking back in angst and regret. Now is the time to sort self out in ways one has always wanted too. Listen to your body.

Time alone is very very good for everyone. Even half an hour a day can do you justice. In my time alone this weekend I have had fantastic thoughts about those people I know and reaching out to them, knowing that there is still more work to be done in setting up my social circuit in London and also which direction I want to take my life. What once seemed scary isn't seeming so scary after all. I think a lot of how I felt in the past has been so so attached to fear that, well, what will be WILL be. And that is all. I think the new 'diet' is strange, yet good in the sense that I have been given a new way to calm and think a little bit clearer. I don't want to cause any more trouble for myself in reacting outrageously to what I am going through. It is a phase. Not forever. Because of this I feel all the more prepared and safe to cry. Safe to let go and be and deal with EVERYTHING. I need to handle this and more importantly I want to handle this. I don't want to shut down any more. I think I am beginning to remember what happy was, and is-in small doses. 

There is general happy, but for me perhaps my happy isn't always the same as everyone else's. Mine is euphoric. I know I look at the world differently to most I know. It isn't simple for me, yet is all at the same time. I want to feel my warm laughter, my smile which goes inside and out again. When I feel that, it comes from thinking about the people I know. My memories. It also comes from times I imagine when I think ahead; self goals and achievements to occur. I've been dancing in my room over the last couple of days and It has taken all week for that energy to come again. Once the head ache at the back of my head disappears hopefully things won't seem so spacey anymore!!

No comments:

Post a Comment