Poignant to Polyamory

Today through a blog of another blog, I have read the following words. As I say, one can only learn, decide and live by what they wish to:

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really love the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

Who the quote belongs to is far from important as the words are the only signature key. I am sure many people have got themselves into this compromised position. But it is only compromised when we think we have to choose. Do we all have to live by monogamy because that is what society expects and represents daily? Do we know there are other alternatives out there? Most of the time we go by what we know, or await from someone to confirm that what we are doing is right.


The idea of Polyamory expresses the notion of loving more than one. In experimenting with the idea, I can say it is particularly exhausting. Having adapted my mind to this idea for around 6 months there are always surprising variables which throw you off your found track. In the article, they cover one of the following factors:

"What about the jealousies and time management?"

Moments do feel like you become a time slot, some feel second best or not quite good enough compared to the others involved, people risk being the 'ultimate' and on the pedestall. Though you have to remember that there is no 'ultimate one' involved. Everyone who takes part with the idea is seen as equal and what self feels for one does not affect the feelings for another. It should not become about being weighed, but unfortunately people end up becoming balanced.

"In many ways, then, polyamory has a lot in common with monogamy - it's a way of imposing some order on the untidiness of human emotions that sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. But in a polyamorous world, the stakes are higher - there is more scope for things to go wrong."

When love is involved, I suppose this is when you could say Polyamory really does come into practise. Once you love someone and have interest in others, the stakes do become high. Love is blind, It really is. The world becomes a different place and what once felt like walking becomes floating above ground. This is the part which causes most complications to me. Love makes all seem like no other. I think the brain naturally tries to compare, but I think compare might be the wrong word here. I say this boldly and take any consequence on the chin, but, to love one does question others involved in a particular way-I understand that second best notion. Love is blind, and on some level I agree with 'if you really love the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second'. When you love someone so much other people around you don't always seem quite... You become blind to them.

I think love encourages priorities. Whether those priorities assert what situation may suit self when older: do you want to come home alone, to come home to one or to come home to many? Love encourages one to choose and preference because when you are in love with a person you wish to spend all the time with them you can. Possibly known as 'the honeymoon period' (or however long that feeling lasts for-hopefully forever if you really are in love) when you often see people with massive dopey smiles on their faces, problems which seemed so irritating seem less so when around that particular person. You tend to let go of things because you know there isn't a keener importance for them anymore. I just see that as Love. Love is beautiful and I would never wish against those emotions for people experiencing them. Though I believe there is a balance. I am sure we all have had friends spending time with their lover and we realise the time spent together with them hasn't occurred as much, now they are involved with another person.


Polyamory does come down to time slots. Love is a beautiful cloud but it also is an ugly fog. I would say only through experimentation we know what we can cope with, we know what we can handle and from which we then prioritise with ourselves what pattern we wish to follow. I am sure we all understand how we make self negotiations and commitments to what we see as important for self and others who exist in our lives. It's important to ask ourselves how long we can 'keep it up for' and whether it truly is right for us. Everyday is a different day and I can fluctuate with the strength in how much it agrees with self.


I think the importance in Polyamory is keeping the stakes high, and maintaining them too. Doubt cannot exist. Otherwise what lies ahead is unfair. Those involved need to know where they stand and feel valued within the relationship. I think if one feels more valued by one, and less from the other there is risk in those involved, well unfortunately the emotions are going to be at stake. Polyamory doesn't always mean poly for both. There are situations where those involved are mono, those involved are purely dating others-whether its enjoying their company emotionally and physically, or having just a physical relationship with them as well. There are rules but we make our own and the assumed way of how it flows doesn't always apply to everyone. Those involved should know where they stand, an explanation is owed to them because as previously mentioned-we all have our priorities and so I have been told Polyamory doesn't necessarily mean permanent. Though that statement juxtiposes the notion of Poly itself...If Poly isn't forever then don't people become stepping stones in narrowing partners involved down to one? We could be wasting our time enjoying this 'free' notion, but that is the case with Polyamory. You have to take every day as it comes because you don't know whether the next day you or someone you are involved with may meet somebody else too. It becomes a question of whether your body instinctively reacts to a new being as a threat or as someone to collaborate on a beautiful idea...

Returning back to the words 'it's a way of imposing some order on the untidiness of human emotions that sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't.', only self will know what one can cope with. Knowing what your brain can cope with is key as Polyamory can be a juggle at times. There is only so much space your emotions can fit into-your heart, soul and mind.


What interests me particularly about the past article also is that the people who feature mention how one person in their poly treats them and provides them with 'z', and the other person provides with 'a':

'Nan and John, both 48, a middle-class couple from New Jersey, are married. Julio, 36, and Amy, 45, are both unmarried and each lives nearby.

Nan and John live with their two children - Adam, 20, and Julia, 17. Together, Nan and John and Julio and Amy form two new couples. At the weekends, John sleeps with Amy, while Nan sleeps with Julio. Amy and Julio are not sexually involved. 'I'm in love with two men,' says Nan, a psychotherapist, 'and I sleep with them both - separately. For me, finding love with someone new doesn't mean finishing my existing relationship with a man I've loved for years, and still do.'

One of the good things is that Nan likes Amy, who works as a pet-sitter. 'She's Jewish, like me - smart, grounded, and sensible. I really warmed to her when I discovered she saves coupons and manages her money like I do. Amy is a far better listener than I am and gives John the attention he deserves. We're close friends and I love comparing notes with her about John. We laugh about the things he does that drive us both crazy.'

Wouldn't we all rather the one person in our lives who we love, provide us with all of the particulars, and that be their entire being instead of just some of theirs where the rest doesn't exist? The trouble comes when you know two people, and one does one thing but the other doesn't. Do you love both? Will you even love both? Can you cope with both? Again there are other factors which I haven't really put into practise being the notion of loving two, and them living in the same city of whereabouts self does also. All of course is biased and one can only tell from experience.

So why do we want to explore with others? Why not? We all have one life to live and learning from my own instincts towards my own life I believe that is where it all comes from. One likes to explore. One does not want to see any restrictions towards meeting other people, in being allowed to learn from others. It sounds ideal but I think we forget the emotions that become attached to people, whether we like it or not there is only so much our minds can cope with, and that is out of our control. Patience is ademant and it's important to take every day as it comes. Once the emotions are sorted, well, I suppose once we have our grips on where our brain wants to take us then the process and being of Poly can work. All can fit into place. It is just whether your everyday agrees with it too and of course the people involved agree with it also. I am curious by the fact that there are Poly couples who live together and are still Poly. I didn't think that would quite work out:

'There are times when I find it challenging,' says Nan. John, her husband, had been having a relationship with Amy, for eighteen months before Nan met Julio. 'Amy would come to our house and I'd sleep alone in our room while Amy and John took the guest room. One night I went to the bathroom and caught a glimpse of them making love, which made me feel sad and jealous.'

From the strength of their love and understanding within the relationship, it sounds like as you read on that both work through dealing with those 'issues' together. It is possible to live that way, if it feels right for you. There will always be compromise for the one you love. To be involved with Poly doesn't mean you have to as well, but it does mean you have to accept the way the one you love wishes to live by. If you can accept that, then cool and what an amazing life experience together you shall have. But like I say, love creates and changes your priorities. Everyday as we get older we know more and more in a sense of what we want and don't want in our lives. We know what we want to wake up to, it just comes down to whether those we love agree with our ideals as well.