Guy With Beard On The Walk To Work

Don't be shy!! Smile at me when I walk past and glance at you! I'm not going to burn you with my brown eyes!...

I still find amazement when you see your commute regulars on the way to work. It feels like an added bonus if you see them on the way home as well. It is quite funny when people seem too scared to smile...

Is monogamy a dependancy to hide our inhibitions?

Talking from the perspective someone has gained in being exposed to the idea of polyamory, I have come across this article detailing the rules of monogamy, yet they consistently seem to be broken in the public eye.

'There's this sort of naive thinking that somewhere, somehow one public figure is going to prove to us that you can do [long-term monogamy], and then there's the indignation and second-guessing that happens when their infidelity is exposed.'

Whether people have affairs, open relationships, multiple loves in relationships (polyamorists) or remain monogamous; it is questionable to what makes one decide in going ahead in seeking others attention. It could be flattery, it could be lust, it could be seeking into the unknown. Sometimes people just catch the attention of another and this is fulfilled in having sex. If this is a one off or not, in my eyes, this would only seem wrong if one of the two people involved have agreed to a monogamous relationship-isn't that what the term 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' means these days. You make a commitment to one another by not seeing other people; though I want to examine why we feel the need to make this idea apparent. What is there to prove?

We regularly hear phrases like 'I wouldn't know what to do without them', or 'they make me feel complete'; but why?! Yes, these sentences represent ideals in proclaiming the strength of love but for what reasons do they fulfill the person involved? I believe if these words are said, at least they should be carried with known connections to another person-you know what life is like without them, of course you would survive, but wouldn't you prefer them to be in your life as they are wonderful! Not because they are fulfilling a purpose?! I do wonder myself whether how much we may rely on another person, and at what point does someone who we think we have romantic feelings for-do they become a dependency to our happiness as well?

One the one hand, you could say that before you meet somebody your life was good. Perhaps it wasn't until you met girl or boy that your life got even better. This idea I like. Though the alternative which is less of my preference; life always seem liked something was missing until girl/boy came into your life. Surely we should be completing our own goals and life ambitions before a person seems to complete our lost limb?...( I have always found this curious when young couples 'settle down', and have always felt there is a danger in assuming what you want, yet then this seems harder to change when things don't pan out as expected.)

Sometimes it seems that if there are deeper issues involved within self, this can accidentally become transferred onto another. Do we then see our other half as fixing the issue or just as a pleasant distraction towards dealing with the ultimate topic itself? I think when it comes to becoming romantically involved with someone, I find it idealistic to know more of who you are yourself before you become in risk of developing your mind and attaching it to someone elses. I prefer not to doubt self and develop a false sense of self belief in feeling more complete just because there is someone else around who is amazing, in your life. Sometimes it's personal experiences of the such which may lead to one thinking of wider ideas in our interaction with people. Just because monogamy is the norm, doesn't mean it's the only way. Most people see polygamy as something based upon religion (and also looking at divorce statistics, surely the idea of having more wives would make any person scared enough to even consider the idea!); most people forget the idea of polyamory-or at least an open relationship. I have come to establish that most individuals whether they are involved with another or not, forget to make their own rules.

I mean, polyamory stands for loving more than one. I believe if you are going to follow through with this notion, you have to make your own rules and stick to them as well. In observation it would see that with this lifestyle, making the rules and sticking to them becomes easier in experience of polyamory. You don't know what is right for you until having tried something; sometimes rules are spoken, made and broken and the wrong people get hurt...Most importantly with this concept, there needs to be no threat received from any party involved. Ones love for another doesn't affect the love for someone else; though this idea for me personally provides so many challenges in circumstances; location, it all being a balancing act e.t.c., perhaps that is more appropriate for another post...

In returning to exploring different ideas of 'relationships'; polyamory doesn't always have to flow with everyone involved. Just because one connection may have two loves, doesn't mean one of those two loves has several others as well. Loves in this case, doesn't just mean sex. Polyamory idealises romantic feelings for several people. I personally know that, well I couldn't cope too well in having strong love for one, and perhaps another person. I strongly believe in open relationships; though this too has its problems with those you may date, feeling second best to 'the one' you have made clear to them, you love. (There is a risk in it feeling like a sorting situation, in proposing this idea of openness yet it seeming like a set up to narrow people down to 'the one'.) I think that's what most people forget and where infidelity occurs. If you want to sleep with someone else, or even get to know them a little better-isn't it better to be honest with them about it instead of going behind their back. Sometimes you just don't know what reaction you may get. The 'other half' may be comfortable with this idea as well; they may have dabbled with the ideas themselves as well. This is where I think people should make their own rules, why do you think so many married couples play with the idea of swinging as well.

For me, I know that love creates priorities. All of our life experiences create priorities which in a way make love all the more harder, and sometimes our ideas of love even harder too maintain. Why do we think people divorce after 20 years of marriage? It's scary to think 20 years ago a couple were so so happy, yet all that time later both of those individuals have changed, either grown apart from each other, an affair has triggered the separation, or they mutually hate one another. Love seems all the more scary and these situations further challenge the idea of 'the one' itself. In meeting other people, feeling for other people-to what extent does this challenge the strength of ones love?

There are people out there to meet in the world, so why not go out there and meet them?! Some may look at it as an amazing opportunity, to meet, dine, date, sleep with all of those fantastic people you meet and have great life experiences. However, the other idea is that some people-well they just love someone so much that no-one else really shines through. It would seem that this is some sort of instinctual behaviour for humans and love. Sometimes are feelings are just so whole, powerful and overwhelming that the phrase 'love is blind' really does apply. So does this concept challenge polyamorists in their desires to explore with others?

I once read the quote from a famous Actor, Johnny Depp who said:

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really love the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

So where does feeling for others really come from? Are we just too scared in putting too much value on one?? Is this the reason why people choose to break from the rules of monogamy or is it our own natural desires to feel 'free' and wanting to explore other people as well?

You could say, it's a massive step in personal development. Perhaps one gets to a point where they realise that there is no other lifestyle for them and that experiencing life with several people is more amazing than experiencing it with one. You can't really argue with that if it's what makes them happy. I see an importance though in getting the rules right, no-one intentionally wants someone they become involved with to get hurt. However accidental pain always occurs:

'It seems like we use monogamy to protect against the possibility of our feelings, or our partner's feelings, being redirected toward another person -- in other words, falling in love with someone else.
Right, right -- that is the paradox. To the extent that we do use monogamy as a guarantee of that, we may blow the occasional infidelity out of proportion. We end up saying, "Oh my god, this is a threat to the relationship," when in fact it might not have meant anything.'

Whether it's a difference between lusting for another and feeling emotion for another, on separate occasions or at the same time; I think monogamy needs to take a little more re-education itself. Why are we fulfilling it, is it really what we want? I still believe that most people go along with that flow of life because it is what they know, forgetting their own rules and opportunities which are available to be made.

GP: Shouldn't this rather stand for, Generally Prioritising?

Apologies if this offends, but in my experience and perhaps most will agree; General Practitioners really do press my buttons...

The biggest question for me is, how ill do you have to seem to thoroughly get listened too? Of course we could all put on the sympathy act in this case, but when you have to relay to your doctor what has been the problem and what the next steps they wanted to take are-this doesn't actually help towards developing your faith in someone who pretty much is in control of your health.

Sure, its fair to say that they do have time schedules and we are limited to 5-10 minutes per appointment; though when it comes to tests, what to look for-I would like to instigate some confidence that they can prioritise the particulars they are looking for. When something gets forgotten about it becomes very hard in a sense to forgive or more to the point, remain calm. Health I believe is something you just can't just neglect.

Self Diagnosis

There's a slight vulnerability in self diagnosis over the internet; the most ironic part is that we never have resolve. Who is to trust reading sources when we aren't qualified Doctors ourselves? All we end up doing is diagnosing self with more stress!

In a strange and contradicting sense, I think it is good that the internet provides so much amazing information, a new library adaptable and instant to our fingertips. When it comes to health, it's something we all need to treat with respect. As much as we learn from internet sources, we need to have faith in Doctors themselves. It can be a struggle to take time off work, to book appointments or register at the Doctors in the first place; though if one thinks about the circumstances to self if we let ourselves go, these particulars seem less important over the fear and doubt in kidding ourselves we are getting better-or even if there is nothing wrong.

To wonder is the worst, we all like resolve and need answers. Why put self through more stress? It is all so silly, and all the more harder to face the truth. But the truth may take you to new places and new horizons no levels of self diagnosis could bring to one.

Take care of one. Please.

Walking ways

How do you walk? With your head up straight, looking down at the curb or staring high into space?

Our posture, our presence represents how we feel. Sometimes I stride in long steps, giraffe like and fast. Sometimes the ground seems more interesting then looking at the sky. The sky can be blinding at times.

Blog development

Given that this is a blog focusing on perspective, life, happiness and making the most of self. I feel it would be wise and fun to include pictures of what goes on in my life too! How can I talk about achieving happiness and being if there are few images to reflect and demonstrate it as well!

I would like to thank the blogs I follow who inspire me daily. I think it is their attitudes expressed in sharing their worlds with us that I would like to become all the more a part of. Who knows where bigger stories may lead, into bigger adventures?!

Handling Hate

Hate, I find is such a worthless emotion. It doesn't achieve anything and it doesn't solve anything. You could say it is a mere self comfort in reassuring/convincing self that what we feel is justified; it feels like a reaction to an emotion which is essentially empty, unless we decide to do anything with the given emotion. Everything we feels steers us towards making decisions and we take action to solve our mental equation.

Essentially we do our self more damage in feeling such emotions, it's like a armour to feeling vulnerable towards something linked with what we care so much about. How dare 'insert particular annoyance' can affect your happiness. You feel sick, you feel angry, you snap, you do things unexpected of your natural self. We seek release from such an ugly emotion...However, we learn from it as well.

All the more does hate make us realise what we need to face, whether it's the fear attached to the hate, a moment of clarity in fighting against our instinctual thoughts or accepting circumstances out of your control. I see no worth in hating a person-it becomes more of an issue for you then than theirs. To hold such emotion towards a person only gets in the way of sorting things out. It would be a backwards task in achieving your own happiness. Let go and feel fresh.

Sea breeze, coffee and catch ups

A change of scenery, letting off steam, meeting with new and old. I love our natural perspective. Talking to others isn't about confirming your ideas, it isn't about looking for answers-it's about sharing you. Uncontrollably letting somebody in only brings you together. Perhaps it's a natural bond between humans; a level of understanding which beautifully creates connection so euphoric words or images can't compare. It is no vulnerability, it is building and sharing lifestyle. Isn't that what life is all about?

We reach out to others, we reach to our self. A contradictory yet powerful part of me could in a sense walk away from what I have now in order to explore the world and just keep going-though there is part which also wants to make my mark and career my way up in the world. Regardless of those desires, they will only happen when instinct sets in and I shall make those opportunities arise. What events occur in ones life shapes our desires and ways we wish to live. The more that happens to us provides more of an idea to self for our own personal happy goals. Though these will always change and we need to be prepared for that too.

Our adventures are within our own hands and we should make the most of what is on our doorstep. I have always loved the quote from one of my favourite films:

'Take a look around, see what you like'...

Because isn't that what life is all about (those words are becoming slightly over used with moi), we pick and choose what we like and what we are willing to try. It's all a process in which we must absorb. A lot of the time we read books and philosophies which tell us ways to be yet these methods deep down we already know. I think most of us have good perspective which can basically differentiate between wrong and right for self. Sometimes it involves a little self training too though to get grips on embracing those preferences too. How much can we fight against our instincts to go forwards when fear is the only part to hold us back? Fear is becoming all the more tedious and I want to kick it in the face.

When feeling change towards something, guilt cannot exist towards it. In fact perhaps excitement should occur all the more. When a door shuts many more open; majoritively I believe, in making decisions for ourselves we allow more doors to open too. Perhaps a change of wind occurs and other pathways blow open. If the weather becomes windy I like to imagine it like a strong pair of arms wrapping you up, not in comfort but ushering you along your way. It feels like a loose yet steady structure which you choose and allow it to seize you through and beyond. Days like that I wish I could stand near the edge of a cliff, or hill out looking onto the beyond yet remaining solute and planted...wind makes you feel like flying, if only we could float in air as well.

Another favourite quote of mine too:

'And if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and see your friends'...

Lonely, or being alone. None of which is weakness. For me I love to share, I love to seek and find and explore. My life is all about adventure and I only want to reach out to others and build it up with them too. People in our life act like foundations for self to grow and develop even more; without anything and everything I interact with today I wouldn't be me. We should be proud of who we are and unafraid to just be ourselves. No holding back these days eh?! For me it's not about lonely, I only want to learn more. Self time is great but to learn with others as well-it's something I wish it be unstoppable forever.

Naked Shots

This is awesome!

Controlling Our Fears

Coming across an interesting article detailing the mass of anxiety problems within the city, it hit home a little:

'Mindfulness training – which teaches you to stay in the moment and pay attention to all your mental and physical sensations without attempting to judge or fix them – is what saved me. And there's an increasing amount of scientific evidence that it's an effective way to treat both depression and anxiety, whether urban or rural...I recently sat alone in pitch darkness on the beach and realised I was perfectly OK with the immenseness of it all, the small dot of me in this enormous world. I wasn't in control, not at all, but so what? I was there, and that was enough.'

I want to say more about this but am finding it hard to put my thoughts into words. Mine lie with thoughts of, if anxiety doesn't get sorted out you may end up killing yourself-slowly or literally.

A life of long unhappiness is my ultimate fear, but in a large number of ways it is in my control whether this happens or not. There will always be factors in or out of our control which affect how happiness turns out; as said in the above quote, we have our own sensations which tell us when things become too much and we have to start listening to ourselves-as much as we keeping telling self we must go on, sometimes you need to stop and rest too.

I wonder how indestructible we can adapt ourselves to external factors which affect our levels of happy. There are so many parts to our brain and continuously do I realise my lessons have been learnt only when it is too late-it is then when things become clearer and more apparent. However I love this notion as well. I feel much more accomplishment in having moments of clarity when I take myself away from something. It feels like reward. In a way, it makes what seemed so complicated even easier to achieve-only to enhance my happiness.

Personally, I have always said you can't reach the high until you truly feel the low; of course there are several levels of low (some being quite dangerous) yet once action is taken to bring yourself back up again (using positive methods) only happiness can be achieved once more.

Dating Death

When you hear your mother tell you she 'is not scared about dying', you would think that initial reactions lead to one feeling sad and afraid. Though hearing those words act more like a comfort in knowing levels of acceptance have occurred. My concern lies with whether (this applies to all of us to) if we accept death and become unafraid, are we then making the most of the life we have? In the process of accepting death, is it right to say we could comfortably accept our outcome if we are satisfied in the continuous process in developing our lives?

Life is based around pleasure (and the opposite being fear); if we simplify and look at daily occurrences perhaps most would recognise if we went back to basics (in a scavenging for ourselves kind) our priorities would change. Factors in which we fuss about may be reflected on and challenged in a good sense. What really does make us happy? Come to think of it, life is simple-we only make it complicated for ourselves in wanting more and living in fear of our desires becoming unattainable.

If death has become more imminent for you than expected; it's blogs such as 'Alices' Bucket List' I think highlights the sheer importance of living and our priorities. The fact that David Cameron wishes to do his best to complete her list before she dies is a marvellous anticipation of life. I hope the rest of the world recognises if we knew we didn't have long as we thought, much less hesitance would occur in holding ourselves back. I would hope everyone experience all they wish for too.

It's moments like these, hearing about people out there with illness or disabilities or anything which hinders their way of living to the norm which most of us are lucky to have; prioritising takes place. If something isn't quite right then do something about it. If it means analysing and taking a step back from things then go for it. Priority is to enjoy your life. I think taking a step back may take two outcomes; you may not be as concerned about particular things in your life anymore, or you become more hands on and sort out the particulars you doubt.

We all have our own mental check list of what makes us happy, what we want to achieve and lifestyles we want to have and enjoy in the future. Life is a chase for all of our self achievements to be fulfilled; so when life's end is more imminent for some, or if living as a torturous being to self exists
 (so living may not even feel quite like life anymore) what really means something to you shines out more. Imagine once it's gone, you may want to make the most of it now.

Stop complaining

Lets not complain about the rain when some countries are suffering from drought.

At least we have rain and water. Dance in it.

Drawing lines in our mind

When something difficult is going on in your life, there can be so many distractions and also positive things to focus on instead. I have always had an obsession perhaps you could say in sorting out the good in my life, to the parts which you could say are doing more damage. I have never had patience towards any given 'thing' which doesn't always feel like it's doing me any good.

As previously posted, when you think of the alternative from what you know-there are moments you think about which seem certain to lead towards unhappiness. How could we carry on without? More and more do I think that when recurrent thoughts come back to mind about situations we imagine putting our self in; surely that is saying more to us to go for it than to keep holding back?

Sometimes the decision is starting us in the face, whether it means a change for a short while or for permanent. We won't know whether the decision is right until we go for it. May be we all need to grab a pair of balls and swallow our pride in making such scary decisions. I've always hated to wonder and think it's about time I must stop kidding myself too. 

Parts of our lives exist for a reason; I will never stop believing that we will always learn. We always experience and always take so much from those moments. I draw a line over some in my mind and call it quits. It just feels right this time.

Perspective Shots

Here are a few photographs taken from journalists in risky war situations. I think they put into perspective the value of life when we are willing put ourself in danger too.

A relationship with entrapment

Personally, I don't quite understand when people are together yet when asked about the relationship-they don't seem happy! Frustration lies in how long can you keep something up if you aren't happy? I wonder whether it is a question of love, its strength gives you the will to stay with someone in hope it will get better; however is the other side a fear of going into a new unknown which keeps people in the same position?

Perhaps there is too much fear in making the decision and not wanting to realise you have made a mistake. Though wouldn't that only enhance the love? Sure there is a question of too little too late, but if the unhappiness without someone overwhelms our stubborn nature in being rejected... I think we are all aware of the better alternative than being without.

However, for those who really aren't happy and end their current relationship; wouldn't it be good to instigate a bit of confidence in them knowing their decision is right, because it felt like the right thing to do and that it is ok to be interested in other people?! Sometimes it can be a case of not wanting to commit, yet if you can be upfront about how you want to live; if someone is interested in you enough I am sure they would like to adapt to your decisions as well.

We meet people for a reason, one can only learn.

Giving Blood

In reading about giving blood, I find this article from the BBC really doesn't exactly push the idea and importance in blood donations-they more so focus on the free drinks, biscuits and pain of the event.

Perhaps when writing about blood donations, they should emphasise statistical importance and the comparison of pain which flashes for 3 seconds-to the reward in knowing that your blood can save a life! I think descriptions detailing the feeling of blood giving is mentioned three times, I don't feel the article is supportive enough to justify listing these explanations!

Black and white emphasis needs to be made, if you can take the time out to give blood, feel a slight pain yourself (which is gone within seconds) compared to loosing a life-perhaps some would understand the selfishness in not giving our time as to those loosing their entire existance.

Philosophy today

This morning I have read a very interesting point made by a blog I follow. I think it's accurate in the fact it mentions:

'philosophy as a practice and not a subject, as a means, and not an end. '

Many people see their ways as the only way, I have always found that open mindedness is best. Life is always about variables and philosophy is always going to change according to human intelligence and life lessons. Science, new technology-we are constantly adapting to new ways of living. What we learn can never be set in stone; is it right in saying philosophy only makes sense to the individual based on their personal experiences-which make it just?

Will philosophy ever become outdated as the world continues to develop? Perhaps that is the most fascinating thing about life itself; sometimes things are always applicable to the individual-the power of life, self realisation and learning what is import to one, isn't always the priority for another. Life is about priorities, and without these complete we wouldn't be happy. Though, to make those in our life happy as well as ourselves, we adapt to others too along with completing our own wishes.

Bermondsey Street Festival

I am excited to read about a small festival taking place this September on the street I walk to and from to work upon, just a minute away from my flat!

Being Honest With Myself

I think it is time for me to be very honest with myself. Lets put all the colours aside.

I feel one very, broken girl right now. My mother, as much as we all begin to die after we age to a certain point, is dying at a rate quicker than most of us. After being diagnosed with breast cancer, type three, several years ago, it has come back to bite her in the ass in more forms than one. Lung, liver, lymph-nodes and bone. This time, it is incurable. Life for her now is more than ever before, living it to the fullest-if her body lets her that is. Energy levels are down, self-esteem low and appearance not always what it used to be. In loosing my father to suicide at the age of ten, I am sure most would understand this sort of thing is somewhat of an ordeal. I feel forever heartbroken by two things that have happened to two of the most important people in my life. One of the most painful parts, is that I just have to sit back and watch it all occur. It even feels selfish in writing these words. Because what is going on, isn't about me. It is about my mum. We have to do everything and anything to make life as best as it can be, for her. We want to do this, it is no chore. It is love.

It feels like I have based my entire life around fear. Not only am I letting this affect me, I let it affect those involved in my life as well. To take this approach to life effects how you interact with everything; some for the good and some parts for the worse. As I travel back now on a train to London I shall record my experience to what feels, like a dark angry cloud. A disgusting black cloud which was once pink fog. In hearing a relative be sick, throwing up violently because something inside of them is there and won't get out, who knows what to think anymore-every day one knows it represents a countdown. How many years, months, days are left for my mum. I don't think she will appreciate me writing this, because it will make her feel exposed. To this day I am personally beyond hiding from the truth. I feel like this week for me has been a steady development in targeting this. It is time to get things sorted. Although we are all dying anyways; and whether mum has five years to live-anyone of us could die in that time whether it's a car crash, anything. Its time to get the message out there, because 'being' in this world is tough when you face such things as the above to contend with. In opening up you don't want anybody to treat you any differently, you don't want the looks of concern, you don't want the words of support. It feels like a weakness for you. I think in writing this, as weak as I may feel I suggest it is an act of admission. I think I need all the support I can get. For it is other people that remind me to go on, to 'just keep swimming' or power through. To stay positive and to live my life, not just for me but for my mum and dad too. If anyone wishes to call me a sympathy seeker, so be it. I am far from caring what other people think these days about me. Their opinion means nothing compared to what really matters: family, friends, love, experiences, living.

Cancer feels like an eternal torture, because when it comes once who knows when it will visit again. Once it comes a second time around you know it is bad news, Its like loosing a battle you thought you had won. Health, is one of my biggest fears of all. You can see why, once you think it is all over before you know it health issues only become worse. I have no patience for it what so ever. I hate doctors, I don't trust them. They fobbed off my mum last Christmas when she complained about chest pains, extreme coughing which lasted for months. Given her history you would have thought she would have been put on immediate checks with a chest x-ray. Nope. 'here is an inhaler, see how you feel after two weeks…' and then she becomes ploughed with empty antibiotics. Doctors sicken me. I understand yes, they see many people everyday and it is a battle with money as well. But when there is clear health history staring them in the face, I find little excuse necessary-it is too late now. With sex, Doctors preach 'its better to be safe than sorry'. Again they become hypocrites to their own philosophy.

I think my brother hides away. To be honest, I don't even know if he knows it is ok to feel any sort of emotion. Dad died when he was 8 years old. It took until his teens for him to silence his boy charm. I don't have conversations with my brother, just single words. Whether he is completely numbed by all experience I don't know, I think perhaps he chooses to not talk as he is either completely laid back, and just doesn't give a damn. Or, he is completely stunted by everything and finds it hard to feel any sort of vulnerable emotion. Most people don't like to display this anyway. We are all weak and vulnerable; only now am I beginning to understand that showing this isn't weakness, it is just being. It's ugly beautiful life! Though, I wonder whether he doesn't contact or visit family to avoid truths. To avoid the pain in seeing mother ill. To avoid realising that as much as we both have grown impatient to pain, and wanting to live as ourselves doing what we want to do because impatience has grown to putting up with anything bad, unfortunately it's just not the way this time. All day there is a reminder of what may not be in future. She walks slow, she moves slow. Some days are better than others but to not know if in 5 years to come you won't be able to grab that coffee with her like you used to, to have those random shopping days trying on sunglasses and driving in the car from another random found place in Wales with the music blaring and both women giggling at each other. Crying doesn't represent enough the pain.

It's not just about my brother either, it never just is about the kids. Mums partner, well he sees it everyday. It is worse for him. He witnesses the one he loves, crumbling bit by bit everyday. I can see their daily battles with each other and with something you can't even touch. And of course there are those connected to him too that see his pain, yet keep quiet in being sad over his pain as well. 

I know this is a miserable post. However miserable though, as much as it's worth I hope it shows to all that read it, that those things we get worked up about, those things we all fear and panic and fuss over…aren't the be all and end all. I know I am a hypocrite to these words. We are ALL hypocrites to everything. Which is why I find daily reminders massive help, because we do tend to get caught up with things. It helps to take a moment to reflect and see what really does matter. It is all about choosing what makes us happy right? And making effort to make those we love happy too.

I suppose, I am scared in feeling and dealing with all of this. I beg for myself to not let it affect everything around me all too much; job, friends, money. As much as I hate the distance between my family and I living in London, I know life over there would be even worse. My independence is doing me good. As horrible as this might sound, there is a time and a place to have selfish-selflessness. One has to love self in order to provide the best for self and those involved in selfs life. You can't give love if you don't feel it for yourself. My misery won't help others and I can't become something else that needs looking after. Other people are priority and I want to look after myself so I don't become one for them either. Everyday is about doing a little bit for self and doing a bit for others too, it shall become a balancing act. I have to work to pay bills, I can't take time off to heal a broken heart. Healing will be a part time thing I shall do in my spare time. My job is about representation, I am paid to smile. Whether I like it or not, sometimes it will be faked and others won't. It's going to be an interesting few years. I think that is the strangest part. I am so excited for life yet so broken, not only is it about balance it's about a juggling act as well. I find myself giggling in my head at the conundrum of it all. Life is all so silly. We are the ones who make it so silly after all…

Death paradox

'Adults in the middle of life are in a different place developmentally. They are often struggling with an "awareness of mortality." This means that they are moving from the childhood acknowledgment that "people die" to a much more personal recognition that someday they, too, will die. In middle life, the awareness of time is like a Janus Mask -- looking both forward to the decades yet to live and also backward toward the time already used. The normal process of aging, as well as the deaths and illnesses of peers, contributes to this understanding. A major prompt to this painful struggle is the death of parents.

Yet the discussion suggests that this may create a paradoxical situation: As older adults may need to address the issues of their death, middle-aged children struggling with their own awareness of mortality may be deeply threatened by their parents' death and hence avoid such discussion. That same paradox may trouble adult children's end-of-life decision making as they confront the death of an older parent. Only by addressing these issues together can both generations meet their developmental needs.'