Art Exhibition: Love Is What You Want, Tracey Emin

I saw this exhibition at the most perfect time. My brain is like a black space filled with millions of colourful puzzle pieces; some fit and some don't, and that's just me.

I find art exhibitions quite interesting, more so from how they make me feel. Most of the time I can't wait to see them, but when I am there I feel desperate to get outside again. They can be quite...stuffy. Whether thats the people, or just the fact that most of the time you have to be quiet and there can be too many people around you tend to feel a bit squashed, theres a strange sense I feel when there-perhaps it was this exhibition itself.

Tracey Emin has has her heart ripped out and put back in again. It fits 97% right, but there's a slight gap and slight un-fix where her soul has been placed back in an awkward angle. I really feel for her. Perhaps there should be limits in the amount of people that can attend such exhibitions; I try to imagine myself alone, completely alone with no body around me so I can capture and inhale all that I see.

One of my faveourite moments was when I was able to enter the neon room by myself. It was more a long black corridoor lit by fantastic words of art. Some echoed in my mind, all too familiar as some I had once kept telling myself:

Of course no picture truly represents the great colour blaring in your face in person. Clearly, this woman has really suffered, she's been depressed. A blank gritty being in which is all too familiar.

Myself, a past in documentary film making-one of her documentaries I saw I really did not enjoy. 'Sometimes the dress is worth more money than the money'. Whether it is because I didn't understand it completely or, well. Who knows. In room 3 'trauma' recorded her collection of pieces representing her experience of abortion. Words echo with me when watching the film... I can't remember the name or find it yet (I hope to find it scrawling through the exhibition book I bought-will add it in!!), the words Tracey speaks describing how you feel like a failure, that ultimate guilt and failure of what you have become, in getting pregnant unexpectedly, saying 'it wasn't choosing to have an abortion it was choosing to not have a child', were very interesting. I'm glad she had her boyfriend there, though the shock that it didn't work in the first place, Tracey had to be rushed into hospital were at this point as she made her way out of the taxi, something slipped and she realised between her thighs and her hands was the dead fetus a failed abortion had left her with. I'm sure we all know what it feels like when our body gives up on us and medical procedures aren't always what they promised...

I can't remember whether I dreamt this, or if it was something I saw recently. Ok it was, it was on a modelling programme stuck on E4 for sometime recently. The phrase 'I just wanna give her a hug'. Well it's a phrase commonly said (though not for a while now) between someone I know-we both share the understanding of this desire. Clearly, when there is so much animosity in one person you know there is something else going on inside. We all have butchered attempts at trying to hide it; with anger, arrogance, sarcasm, being loud, being quiet, binge eating, drinking, substances e.t.c. though some have the ability to see past this and recognise all this person is doing is crying for help. They are trying to fix themselves in some way-there is always a difference in helping yourself in a healthy way, or a negative way.

I want to hug Tracey Emin. I love her work. Of course, it is all an expression of her-it has clearly been her release. I think when one experiences all that pain and all the puzzles we require in order to stick back our brains again we have to find healthy ways to do so, otherwise we risk going into greater danger again. We need to filter the good from our experiences:

'I think all the experiences add to make the person but I could have done well without the traumas in my life. What I've done is used my experiences to my advantage, turning the negative around to the positive. That's one of the greatest things that trauma can teach.'

We can all learn from this, its the beauty of Tracey Emin. What I also find remarkable about her is in her Blankets she quotes (often through her other pieces as well):

'So beautiful'

 Hopefully you are able to see in the top left blanket, Tracey writes. Amongst all the ugly she speaks about she quotes 'so beautiful' in how I feel she is almost laughing knowingly that there is beauty within the bleak ugly that we feel. We laugh, we smile with our experiences and learn.

There was a moment when I discovered Tracey's abortion pieces on the wall; a iud copper coil, pregnancy tests, flowers in the name of blood aborted fetus. I don't know if it's from medical self experiences or if someone who was diving into the unknown at that experience; at first I was unsure about the set up and the room, as I said at the start I felt desperate to get out of the exhibition and whizz through (knowing in my mind I had paid to see her, it also kept me from walking out), the more I delved the more I didn't want to stay. In my 90 minutes of being there, I felt her and felt myself in a way I haven't for a long time. I don't believe its the finding someone else who has experience all of this pain, I didn't feel like finally someone else who has felt similar things. I believe most of all I felt, it was nice for someone to let it out. She's let it all out, again something of which we can all learn from.

There was also a girl who I heard mutter 'why on earth did she get herself pregnant'. I'm not sure if this girl believe in abortion or not (abortion I am totally for), perhaps she didn't understand Tracey's motives behind it. The layout for me was perfect in the 'Trauma' section because for someone like me who doesn't know her history, you piece together her emotions in a pattern, unknown to how it all happened. We also read a marvellous piece written by Tracey's madness in working out whether she was pregnant or not (this time she wasn't) though we sense she has a strange relationship with fertility. It's only then when we move onto a dark room (with the film name I am unable to remember) that she goes on to explain her fertility is 90% odd positive to not get pregnant and that the Doctors totally cocked up her chances in being put through for an abortion.

We all will roll our eyes at the NHS. All money aside, health shouldn't be messed with especially just because our treatment is free.

Tracey's self portraits of masturbation, words gashing out heartbreak and signs of penis hope. It is a bleak cold and hot pursuit of love unattainable to ones self. I've felt it myself, in a way you want to abuse yourself because you feel so ugly, so rejected and thrown, smashed to pieces in a way you clamour onto methods and ways to stretch your mind from thinking about them. And these to be released. To be performed. Discussed, let go of, and freed.

I loved Tracey Emin's documentary on being free, with dancing. Out of all the shit she has become free for her and no-one else.

I'm sure I will have more words to add to this piece.

Spongebob Square...Mushroom?!

This is amazing! A new mushroom has been discovered and because of it's appearance, researchers have named it after the one and only Spongebob Squarepants!

Tracey Emin. Guardian Review

'Emin has had to develop in public. One of the difficulties is that much of what she does is a kind of performance, one she has had to work out as she goes along. This is true for all of us in our multifarious ways. Life is performative – but Emin has turned it into her art...

One outdoor sculpture court appears to be just a windswept stretch of concrete, until you discover the painted bronze infant's shoe, the teddy bear and the sock scattered on the ground. A missing child, in other words. There's an indelible sense of abandonment, a silent sense of loss.'

Naked Ballet Dancing

Naked ballet dancing. Fantastic. For those that walk out or hide, well. Silly. Why would one fear the naked form, it's not like ballet dancers will have the most grosteque appearance.

Clearly, it is self contained issues. Is it vulnerability in looking at anothers naked human form?

'What's the justification for such aggressive nudity? St-Pierre, who is fascinated by taboos and the breaking of them, is trying to create a raw physical intimacy between dancer and audience, and he wants to make us laugh, too. Michael Watts, one of his dancers, says most people find the naked scenes funny. But, he adds, "we're being very childlike – we're behaving like six-year-old boys, and we get a lot of taps on the bottom from old ladies". They do occasionally encounter angry resistance, though. "One woman just hid her face completely," recalls Watts. "She put her jacket over her face. Another man got up and tried to run away. And a few dancers have got hit or pushed."'

Perhaps we forget that whilst growing up we have all in a sense, been conditioned to believe when and where is appropriate to take off our clothes and be naked. In a sense, when people say it is a form of expression; well on the one hand you could say it is the least form of expression as after all we were naturally born this way to begin with. In 'expressing' what we naturally posses, slightly baffles me. It's taken conventions of history to produce such a turn around effect. Sure, we enhance our hair as we naturally have that on display anyways; nudity holds its reputation as 'expressionism' as it goes against our conditioning to cover up. Less covering up becomes individual itself because the norm is to wear clothes, and express with material instead.

Most know if we went to the shops in our pyjamas, just thinking about the reaction we may receive would certainly effect our choices in 'expressing' in that way. If one doesn't become accepted by others this seems to largely affect the individuals choice. We grow up being taught how to behave, when and how we should eat, most of our decisions or instincts become confirmed by our parents before being allowed to do anything. I do wonder whether it is the same in relation to nudity. Unmissably, our parents-without fault as this would be the norm for them too, have encourage one to dress nicely and appropriately for each occasion. No wonder we hold the fear that, if walking to the shops in our pyjamas is a dialema, to take a further step into a nudist world seems almost possible for some.

I find myself enlightened by the prospect that dancers are encouraged to perform nude. With so many body issues in the media, and discussion that such ideas should be discussed as part as the national cirriculum; I do hope to see much more development into enhancing what we have already. I enjoy seeing the turn around and regurgitation of fashion, classic values and even now we return to expressing our raw elements. It somewhat suggests that we had most of the answers already towards great ways to 'be'. I am glad they are starting to be recognised once again.

Rolling in the Cheese

I have read about this event before, Cheese rolling in Gloucestershire. The concerns with it before were health and safety, perhaps regulations were concerned that the event would get out of hand and people may be put in danger.

I experienced issues like this in film making, the argument is do you seek permission and get rejected? Or keep hush and then score your film! Or in this case, cheese!

It would seem that threats have occurred now in a raise of a participation fee, I am sure this money is going towards running the event-including the health and safety precautions in order to allow the event to happen in the first place! It tires me that such regulations have come into place EVERYWHERE when it comes to health and safety, I am very surprised there are concerns still even when the events are outside. Fire safety and evacuation processes are important and understandably they deserve the attention with health and safety regulations. Though with events outdoors, I continue to get annoyed that everyone wants some sort of responsibility back up towards 'what may occur', yet at the end of the day everyone really just wants to have a good time!

With big crowds, doesn't it just involve common sense. Keep an eye out for yourself and those around you, if this idea was consistent throughout a roll on effect would take place, surely there wouldn't be a problem. It is a shame that such past events, whichever they may be, have got out of hand and initiated the intensity on peoples safety. I know such event in a small village in Caerleon (South Wales) were banned in racing around the area. People would design their own cars as such, some would race around in bathtubs. However, because of health and safety issues, access to public toilets e.t.c the event had to end. Perhaps if we were given a chance to prove that such events can be handled without so much regulation required, more opportunities will arise for other cultural happenings.

Changing the world with ideas

The following ties in nicely with the recent posts on development and evolving the world with them. True, success starts from 'failure', without the experience of being down I don't think the drive to increase would be as strong.

'the world is full of interesting ideas that might help solve some of our big problems, but nobody really knows which of these ideas will work and which will fail. So policy makers, corporate leaders and social campaigners need to be much more open to all sorts of formal and informal experiments. Jamie Oliver created an accidental experiment. It would be nice if we spent a bit more energy doing this deliberately.'

It would be nice, but I think most hold a fear in focusing their energy into taking a chance because most aren't aware of how to make use of their ideas. The possible can seem like the impossible, perhaps more motivation is required from the Government, or are they more willing when it is a matter of their control and not ours? I think we all indulge into imagining how the world would run if we have more volume in our say.

Gary Neville and Teletubbies...I love development

I am very interested to see how this turns out. Im sure in years to come it will be worth so much money. I was a huge fan of The Sims when I was a teen. We are all about design, models and change. It is spectacular. There seems to be worlds within worlds to express the human desire to develop, create and demonstrate our personalities within objects, buildings, fabrics...I intend to explore the world of expressionism all the more.

For bloggies out there

Advice!!

Putting the message across

I have a background in documentary film and here is a link a film I made relevant to the postings I have made today.

http://www.vimeo.com/12487891

then password:

cancergene

Any feedback would be truly appreciated. The film was made to kick those up the arse who were scared of the topic, for people to become less scared and to check themselves out instead of sticking their heads in the sand. We wanted to represent cancer in a different light and show that making jokes isn't a bad thing. There are so many sides to everything, the film making process was a grace as so much was learned about the subjects; the process of taking part in the film also helped them with their experiences as well. Time is precious, so lets not waste it.

What if the world worked liked this...

The following probably clashes with my passion to bring people together. Though bringing people together doesn't always have to be in a way of instance...

We all lived in flats/houses, our environment was just for us. Just for one. Perhaps more would realise that life is about ONE. Individual. The idea of moving in with somebody else, wouldn't exist. Whether that be friend, lover, relative. (pets don't count) The exception would be whether daily care was needed for ones dependency. The everyday, would be being, as one, in our own space. Of course, for children to be involved, as odd as it may sound, the too-ing and fro-ing back and forth would become the norm. 'Parent's as such would exist. Just individually.

If living as one was the norm, I'm sure most daily pressures wouldn't exist.

'oh I better get back home to...'

Sleepovers exist-fair enough, but there would always be the other place for somebody else. Time to ourselves, guaranteed. The essence to essentially please ourself. Decide for ourselves. To have the opportunity to create a network with another person, across a measurement of distance-if you imagine how strong that relationship would be to make it work, is quite a beautiful thing. The image of freedom comes to mind. Im curious what image may come to you...