State of Mind

When one lies back in a glorious bed, fantastic music and beautiful scenery. One realises their state of mind:

So overwhelmed one wishes to cry, but no release will come. Body chemicals raise and lower and balance and unbalance. When will the settlement come? I think I need to take a steady pace, and breath. No coma is going to cure this.

The status of Clanky Pan

I apologise for my lack of posting. I think this is probably the third apology I have claimed.

Whether I blog about the real reason things have been a little slack, well...I am not sure what step to take, for in telling the truth would only be a benefit to self. I must have, subconsciously and perhaps now consciously, been putting pressure on self to blog and therefore nothing has come from it.

Sometimes the mind spirals and is pulled in so many opposing directions, one finds it hard to centre. I think this weekend will provide tales for Clanky Pan; some are already building in my head, when an idea comes about it starts phrasing in my mind like some alter ego narration (a bit like JD from Scrubs)

Lets see what happens later... who knows what I may tell. Will it be good for audience sake? And may the consequences be?

Forgiving Acid Attack

For somebody to become so caught up with their own emotions, and to seek resolve by seeking revenge over a case of rejection. I am baffled.

Ameneh Bahrami is fighting for her attacker to have his own eyes burnt with acid, as he blinded and disfigured her face after throwing the substance in hers. There are two points to this article in which one I can agree with and the other, not:

"He said 'I am going to destroy your life and do something so nobody will marry you'," she remembers.

This all from being turned down for marriage. It actually scares me knowing that there are people out there who want to satisfy their own insecurities by paining others. I feel appalled by human nature:

'Bahrami won her case in 2008, when the court ruled that the 27-year-old Movahidi should be blinded with acid. It also sentenced him to jail and ordered that he pay compensation to the victim.'

But I think this also appals me as well. I couldn't imagine having some sort of power over somebody to feel the same pain one may have been through. It is just not within my nature, to get revenge. However, I do agree with Bahrami's point in wanting to teach people like this, a lesson in hope they would get perspective as well. Realisation of one's action MUST be realised, otherwise who knows what they may do next?:

'... But she is determined to pursue the ruling. "If I forgive, I get nothing for forgiveness," she says..."The same if I take his eyesight, I get nothing. But I want people like Majeed to know that there is punishment."'

Though what feels like double standards is also a very difficult situation to balance. How far should punishment go? I feel like this towards children in school too. As I have got older, it seems the children get smaller, and cheekier! Humans are becoming more intelligent in picking up peoples weaknesses, and children play on these vibes. I think a physical attack only shows a weakness in people, they feel they have to use brute strength to make their point. I find words are stronger than actions, but with words are they not stronger if examples can be attached to them as well?

All the more I am finding news that suggests classic methods of punishment should be brought back into action. Bear with me in trying to explain the following: If the consequence brought about the idea more strongly that if one does unfavourable 'action', they will have to under go another activity-unpleasurable, yet not exactly the most painful. However, this being unpleasurable in the sense that the 'activity' may not end as soon as they would like. Would this mean for those that 'sin', would gain a better understanding into the consequences they set for their victims as well?

Blog views

In a research stats check up it would seem I have hit my goal of 100 hits. Small compared to most, yes, but in not knowing who reads this and for a virtual world so wide 100 feels like a good number to have. 

Thank you all for checking in!

Writing for love

Some good words about writing for those we feel for. The last paragraph greatly represents the feeling I too hold when I think about writing and what it provides for me. Some day I also aspire to have a career more involved with one of my most important passions:

'And here I can mention that there is nothing like writing for those you love. Building something out of words, an intensely personal medium – something for someone you respect, someone for whom you care – that's both a pleasure and a properly testing exercise. I have long argued that the writer's relationship with the putative reader should probably be one of loving respect: it's a way of maintaining a correct form of address. Having a literal someone out there for whom you would like to do more than your best, someone to please, can be helpful...

If you've ever tried writing for a lover, that can be intoxicating and wonderful, but it can also lead you into self-indulgence and, should the relationship founder, your deathless lines may end up all over the kitchen wall. Still, if you want to have a go ... well, I wouldn't be able to stop you. Writing from love and for love – love of the words, love of your species, love of specific joys – that's a fine remedy for ills.

And it's a reminder – Dum-dah-dum, da dah-dum dah-dum – of a deep pleasure in being a writer: the permanent music it provides. Sometimes having the benefit of a free head full of words offers as clear and complex a melody as any track I'll ever play to cheer me. Sometimes the words are background noise, sometimes they can feel like being a kid again and simply happy, sometimes they're an excuse for nearly dancing on a railway platform, sometimes I get paid for trying to put them down on paper, sometimes they'll end up in a letter with a readership of one. And this is something we all have: it takes negative intervention – illness, fear, threat – to damage our music, muffle it. But it's still there, waiting, singing inside. Onwards.'

Some lessons learned

Words shake through my hands in this current madness. Though if madness brings thoughts and passion through writing, then so be it. I would rather record the honesty in my being than to loose such records of wisdom. Who knows where they shall lead. For I feel exposed to all judgement and opinions from those that know and do not know me all too well. Let these be lessons. 

 

Familiar words

Several lines from my latest read:

'It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways mean you've lost them forever.'
Your Erroneous Zones. Dr Wayne W.Dyer. 1977

Blogging vulnerability

When I began this blog I felt excitement and eager to display my words for the world to see, whatever the feedback I may receive. The vulnerability in showing and not hiding in a sense with words felt quite liberating, the idea at the back of my mind felt like a challenge to the wide world web. I felt like, come on then, throw it at me-your words of critique. Over the last few months of writing my blog, moments when I have looked back and re-read sections have I noticed that, as previously mentioned, they do feel like riddles. I find what interests me the most lately about blogging is that now I want to approach it with a stronger raw existence, though a large percentage of me is doubting how exclusive to be with my words.

The following article is a great example into the world of blogging and how honest and open one can be about their lifestyle. I find myself very interested by the journey this girl has taken in beginning her blog, and also closing it too.
With me personally, I find when writing, or at least when about to write-I do wonder with the words that are about to explode, whether online on my blog is the right place for them. I mean, perhaps the words are just questions and are not directed at right source? How much are they a cry for help. Sometimes I wonder whether they would be more suitable for a personal diary instead of an online blog. My posts are shared through Facebook and there are several people on there that know me, but don't KNOW me. In all honesty as much as this comes across as insulting, the list of 'friends' I have on my facebook makes me laugh. Of course, hundreds numbered on my 'Friend' list, actually aren't friends and are more like associates. I don't want to exhaust too much of the idea of what makes a person a 'friend'; but with regards to blogging am I all too sure I want to expose myself to those who I haven't seen in years, to those that I haven't seen in years, to those that don't know me. Am I doubting everyone's levels of compassion towards someone who may not seem 100% about their life?

I feel like a hypocrite to my own desires in holding back online. When is the right time to really express how I feel? To know the people I walk by everyday see my true expression in words, which perhaps feels so raw because 95% percent of the time they see a smile, not the madness which goes inside my head. I suppose one way of looking at it is that if they aren't ready to know, don't click on the link-but there isn't exactly a sense of warning (I will not get into my classification discussion-I used my dissertation for that). At the end of the day I need to accept that I still am trying to protect myself, of course I don't want anything else to add to the situation, be that comments expressing views of, is this girl crazy? I know deep down I don't want to be treated any differently.

These words, my eyes felt hot by their own admission:

'I've simply stopped writing about the many things that continue to scare and confuse me. I've long believed that there is nothing embarrassing about admitting human frailty, but when I try to write about college nowadays, I catch myself pulling back from every little unflattering anecdote, rewriting the circumstances and characters, and wanting to put forth a more attractive version of who I am. Though I am never overtly disingenuous, I occasionally feel like I'm living a lie of omission by not owning up to being constantly plagued by the same doubts that haunted me at Harvard: that I am not merely unworthy of a school but that I am too damaged to be worthy of love.'

'Don't sue people. Just heal.'...Cary Tennis does it again

I have written before about my admiration for his writing. I suppose I aspire to have his skill one day in his warm and impressive, natural ability in reaching out to people. Whether the story applies to them or not, I know when I read his letters it is almost like he puts a smile inside of me. A soul smile I suppose you could call it. His words make sense, they flow like poetry that rhymes:

'Meanwhile, just heal. Don't sue people. Just heal. Live a quiet life of healing. Find a doctor who will treat you as a whole person....

I say, Take a deep breath. You take a deep breath and walk out of the park to the street. I watch you drive away and I watch the dogs play, and I take a few minutes before getting in my car. I have one of those thoughts I have often, about the mystery and vastness of the world. Then I get in my car.'

Blogging =

A space for too many thoughts...

Or so many thoughts!

Shut up brain and put it into words!

The keyboard is like a drum. Bang bang bang and voila! We have contact.

For bloggies out there

Advice!!

Blogging

The following words come from an admired blogger. Andrew Sullivan perfectly demonstrates the flow and creative feel in writing a blog. Writing feels like sound waves of the world.

'There are times, in fact, when a blogger feels less like a writer than an online disc jockey, mixing samples of tunes and generating new melodies through mashups while also making his own music. He is both artist and producer—and the beat always goes on.'

Breakfast shenanigans

Yes I had my croissants and coffee, news reading and writing

For me, it really is the small things that count

I know what I'm doing!

This weekend will be complete with the following factors to take place:

• Lie in, sleep!
• Breakfast in bed, croissants, coffee, fresh fruit with yogurt
• and of course, writing and article readings.

So in other words, all I wish to do is sit on my bum in bed and read and eat. I am sure at some point I shall leave the flat to feel the air and rejoin the social world in person, once a good dance about in my bedroom to great music has taken place.

Smiles all around because the sun is OUT!

'oooh naaa naaa'...

Death in writing

'Disease isn't some great, ennobling experience, as anyone who's ever rocked a paper gown knows. But it really can give a person a buttload of clarity. Those of us who have signed Do Not Resuscitate forms can tell you – being scared crapless about dying is only part of the story. Being made acutely aware of the awesomeness of living is the other...

And as is inevitably the case, when we got down to the last day, our dwindling time became increasingly bittersweet. We ate ice cream cones, savoring them until they dripped down our arms. We took a million pictures of our last sunset. We said goodbye. That's how it is at the end – whether it's a trip greatly enjoyed or a life well lived. The pleasure of being there is infused with the sadness of leaving. We look back over a shoulder one last time, hoping to hang on to the moment forever. And we want to keep saying, again and again and again, enough to last to the end of the lifetimes we won't be there to share, what Miller wrote in his last message to his family and the world. "I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you." ' 

We are all fighting, all falling and all pacing through. Sometimes I wish I could put my hand through someones skull, reach into their brain and discover who they really are. To do that to everyone I meet. We all have our plans and there never seems enough time to complete our goals. We always make lists, and fail them. Should we keep making lists to disappoint or should we just get better at ticking them off? I think there is an obvious answer there, and we could all do with a kick in the arse to complete them. There are always various reasons why the particulars don't become complete, subjects which are out of our hands and avoid any control by self to maintain them. We can't always control the external forces. Change will always exist whether we planned for it or not. I think it easier to let those changes in, otherwise there will always be a battle with the world but worst of all with ourselves. Of course it is easier to accept on instance but we don't really ever get to that particular place, of common ground without the beautiful ugly pattern journey towards it.

I believe I am saying please show regard in ways you can and know, to those around you, even if they are strangers-we forget they aren't strangers to some. Everyone has their connections, their place. A world different to one should not be a threat to others, in an ideal world. We know we should just laugh and enjoy. The sun shines for a reason, but we read into it way too much. It takes time to get there. For me personally a fairly accurate way to represent my point of feeling sometimes is in film, when watching a film the world represented it seems much more of the ideal and the just life, the wouldn't that be great scenario. Trailers are a perfect example. The music, sound, imagery, the characters, the colours...They are all wonderful and when the cinema roars with pow the energy it fills the room and yourself with is incredible. You can feel the passion from the filmmakers involved into their creation of story. Everyday is about story and we write our own.