Hate, I find is such a worthless emotion. It doesn't achieve anything and it doesn't solve anything. You could say it is a mere self comfort in reassuring/convincing self that what we feel is justified; it feels like a reaction to an emotion which is essentially empty, unless we decide to do anything with the given emotion. Everything we feels steers us towards making decisions and we take action to solve our mental equation.
Essentially we do our self more damage in feeling such emotions, it's like a armour to feeling vulnerable towards something linked with what we care so much about. How dare 'insert particular annoyance' can affect your happiness. You feel sick, you feel angry, you snap, you do things unexpected of your natural self. We seek release from such an ugly emotion...However, we learn from it as well.
All the more does hate make us realise what we need to face, whether it's the fear attached to the hate, a moment of clarity in fighting against our instinctual thoughts or accepting circumstances out of your control. I see no worth in hating a person-it becomes more of an issue for you then than theirs. To hold such emotion towards a person only gets in the way of sorting things out. It would be a backwards task in achieving your own happiness. Let go and feel fresh.
Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts
Monday, 27 June 2011
Friday, 24 June 2011
Dating Death
When you hear your mother tell you she 'is not scared about dying', you would think that initial reactions lead to one feeling sad and afraid. Though hearing those words act more like a comfort in knowing levels of acceptance have occurred. My concern lies with whether (this applies to all of us to) if we accept death and become unafraid, are we then making the most of the life we have? In the process of accepting death, is it right to say we could comfortably accept our outcome if we are satisfied in the continuous process in developing our lives?
Life is based around pleasure (and the opposite being fear); if we simplify and look at daily occurrences perhaps most would recognise if we went back to basics (in a scavenging for ourselves kind) our priorities would change. Factors in which we fuss about may be reflected on and challenged in a good sense. What really does make us happy? Come to think of it, life is simple-we only make it complicated for ourselves in wanting more and living in fear of our desires becoming unattainable.
If death has become more imminent for you than expected; it's blogs such as 'Alices' Bucket List' I think highlights the sheer importance of living and our priorities. The fact that David Cameron wishes to do his best to complete her list before she dies is a marvellous anticipation of life. I hope the rest of the world recognises if we knew we didn't have long as we thought, much less hesitance would occur in holding ourselves back. I would hope everyone experience all they wish for too.
It's moments like these, hearing about people out there with illness or disabilities or anything which hinders their way of living to the norm which most of us are lucky to have; prioritising takes place. If something isn't quite right then do something about it. If it means analysing and taking a step back from things then go for it. Priority is to enjoy your life. I think taking a step back may take two outcomes; you may not be as concerned about particular things in your life anymore, or you become more hands on and sort out the particulars you doubt.
We all have our own mental check list of what makes us happy, what we want to achieve and lifestyles we want to have and enjoy in the future. Life is a chase for all of our self achievements to be fulfilled; so when life's end is more imminent for some, or if living as a torturous being to self exists
(so living may not even feel quite like life anymore) what really means something to you shines out more. Imagine once it's gone, you may want to make the most of it now.
Life is based around pleasure (and the opposite being fear); if we simplify and look at daily occurrences perhaps most would recognise if we went back to basics (in a scavenging for ourselves kind) our priorities would change. Factors in which we fuss about may be reflected on and challenged in a good sense. What really does make us happy? Come to think of it, life is simple-we only make it complicated for ourselves in wanting more and living in fear of our desires becoming unattainable.
If death has become more imminent for you than expected; it's blogs such as 'Alices' Bucket List' I think highlights the sheer importance of living and our priorities. The fact that David Cameron wishes to do his best to complete her list before she dies is a marvellous anticipation of life. I hope the rest of the world recognises if we knew we didn't have long as we thought, much less hesitance would occur in holding ourselves back. I would hope everyone experience all they wish for too.
It's moments like these, hearing about people out there with illness or disabilities or anything which hinders their way of living to the norm which most of us are lucky to have; prioritising takes place. If something isn't quite right then do something about it. If it means analysing and taking a step back from things then go for it. Priority is to enjoy your life. I think taking a step back may take two outcomes; you may not be as concerned about particular things in your life anymore, or you become more hands on and sort out the particulars you doubt.
We all have our own mental check list of what makes us happy, what we want to achieve and lifestyles we want to have and enjoy in the future. Life is a chase for all of our self achievements to be fulfilled; so when life's end is more imminent for some, or if living as a torturous being to self exists
(so living may not even feel quite like life anymore) what really means something to you shines out more. Imagine once it's gone, you may want to make the most of it now.
Friday, 3 June 2011
Crying about Cancer
Mary Elizabeth Williams shares her story with coping with heartbreaking experiences, yet trying to remain the strong mother all at the same time.
'In less than a year, my daughters have experienced a lifetime of fears and anxieties and griefs. But they also witnessed a stunning outpouring of kindness and compassion, and have experienced so many moments of pure, radiant grace. Because of everything that's gone down, in profound new ways, we all love each other more deeply. We hold each other more tightly. And though my daughters know now, in a way I wish they didn't have to, that the world can be scary sometimes and that moms and dads cry too, I hope they've learned also that tears themselves are nothing to be afraid of. They just mean we're feeling our feelings.'
Monday, 30 May 2011
Being Honest With Myself
I think it is time for me to be very honest with myself. Lets put all the colours aside.
I feel one very, broken girl right now. My mother, as much as we all begin to die after we age to a certain point, is dying at a rate quicker than most of us. After being diagnosed with breast cancer, type three, several years ago, it has come back to bite her in the ass in more forms than one. Lung, liver, lymph-nodes and bone. This time, it is incurable. Life for her now is more than ever before, living it to the fullest-if her body lets her that is. Energy levels are down, self-esteem low and appearance not always what it used to be. In loosing my father to suicide at the age of ten, I am sure most would understand this sort of thing is somewhat of an ordeal. I feel forever heartbroken by two things that have happened to two of the most important people in my life. One of the most painful parts, is that I just have to sit back and watch it all occur. It even feels selfish in writing these words. Because what is going on, isn't about me. It is about my mum. We have to do everything and anything to make life as best as it can be, for her. We want to do this, it is no chore. It is love.
It feels like I have based my entire life around fear. Not only am I letting this affect me, I let it affect those involved in my life as well. To take this approach to life effects how you interact with everything; some for the good and some parts for the worse. As I travel back now on a train to London I shall record my experience to what feels, like a dark angry cloud. A disgusting black cloud which was once pink fog. In hearing a relative be sick, throwing up violently because something inside of them is there and won't get out, who knows what to think anymore-every day one knows it represents a countdown. How many years, months, days are left for my mum. I don't think she will appreciate me writing this, because it will make her feel exposed. To this day I am personally beyond hiding from the truth. I feel like this week for me has been a steady development in targeting this. It is time to get things sorted. Although we are all dying anyways; and whether mum has five years to live-anyone of us could die in that time whether it's a car crash, anything. Its time to get the message out there, because 'being' in this world is tough when you face such things as the above to contend with. In opening up you don't want anybody to treat you any differently, you don't want the looks of concern, you don't want the words of support. It feels like a weakness for you. I think in writing this, as weak as I may feel I suggest it is an act of admission. I think I need all the support I can get. For it is other people that remind me to go on, to 'just keep swimming' or power through. To stay positive and to live my life, not just for me but for my mum and dad too. If anyone wishes to call me a sympathy seeker, so be it. I am far from caring what other people think these days about me. Their opinion means nothing compared to what really matters: family, friends, love, experiences, living.
Cancer feels like an eternal torture, because when it comes once who knows when it will visit again. Once it comes a second time around you know it is bad news, Its like loosing a battle you thought you had won. Health, is one of my biggest fears of all. You can see why, once you think it is all over before you know it health issues only become worse. I have no patience for it what so ever. I hate doctors, I don't trust them. They fobbed off my mum last Christmas when she complained about chest pains, extreme coughing which lasted for months. Given her history you would have thought she would have been put on immediate checks with a chest x-ray. Nope. 'here is an inhaler, see how you feel after two weeks…' and then she becomes ploughed with empty antibiotics. Doctors sicken me. I understand yes, they see many people everyday and it is a battle with money as well. But when there is clear health history staring them in the face, I find little excuse necessary-it is too late now. With sex, Doctors preach 'its better to be safe than sorry'. Again they become hypocrites to their own philosophy.
I think my brother hides away. To be honest, I don't even know if he knows it is ok to feel any sort of emotion. Dad died when he was 8 years old. It took until his teens for him to silence his boy charm. I don't have conversations with my brother, just single words. Whether he is completely numbed by all experience I don't know, I think perhaps he chooses to not talk as he is either completely laid back, and just doesn't give a damn. Or, he is completely stunted by everything and finds it hard to feel any sort of vulnerable emotion. Most people don't like to display this anyway. We are all weak and vulnerable; only now am I beginning to understand that showing this isn't weakness, it is just being. It's ugly beautiful life! Though, I wonder whether he doesn't contact or visit family to avoid truths. To avoid the pain in seeing mother ill. To avoid realising that as much as we both have grown impatient to pain, and wanting to live as ourselves doing what we want to do because impatience has grown to putting up with anything bad, unfortunately it's just not the way this time. All day there is a reminder of what may not be in future. She walks slow, she moves slow. Some days are better than others but to not know if in 5 years to come you won't be able to grab that coffee with her like you used to, to have those random shopping days trying on sunglasses and driving in the car from another random found place in Wales with the music blaring and both women giggling at each other. Crying doesn't represent enough the pain.
It's not just about my brother either, it never just is about the kids. Mums partner, well he sees it everyday. It is worse for him. He witnesses the one he loves, crumbling bit by bit everyday. I can see their daily battles with each other and with something you can't even touch. And of course there are those connected to him too that see his pain, yet keep quiet in being sad over his pain as well.
I feel one very, broken girl right now. My mother, as much as we all begin to die after we age to a certain point, is dying at a rate quicker than most of us. After being diagnosed with breast cancer, type three, several years ago, it has come back to bite her in the ass in more forms than one. Lung, liver, lymph-nodes and bone. This time, it is incurable. Life for her now is more than ever before, living it to the fullest-if her body lets her that is. Energy levels are down, self-esteem low and appearance not always what it used to be. In loosing my father to suicide at the age of ten, I am sure most would understand this sort of thing is somewhat of an ordeal. I feel forever heartbroken by two things that have happened to two of the most important people in my life. One of the most painful parts, is that I just have to sit back and watch it all occur. It even feels selfish in writing these words. Because what is going on, isn't about me. It is about my mum. We have to do everything and anything to make life as best as it can be, for her. We want to do this, it is no chore. It is love.
It feels like I have based my entire life around fear. Not only am I letting this affect me, I let it affect those involved in my life as well. To take this approach to life effects how you interact with everything; some for the good and some parts for the worse. As I travel back now on a train to London I shall record my experience to what feels, like a dark angry cloud. A disgusting black cloud which was once pink fog. In hearing a relative be sick, throwing up violently because something inside of them is there and won't get out, who knows what to think anymore-every day one knows it represents a countdown. How many years, months, days are left for my mum. I don't think she will appreciate me writing this, because it will make her feel exposed. To this day I am personally beyond hiding from the truth. I feel like this week for me has been a steady development in targeting this. It is time to get things sorted. Although we are all dying anyways; and whether mum has five years to live-anyone of us could die in that time whether it's a car crash, anything. Its time to get the message out there, because 'being' in this world is tough when you face such things as the above to contend with. In opening up you don't want anybody to treat you any differently, you don't want the looks of concern, you don't want the words of support. It feels like a weakness for you. I think in writing this, as weak as I may feel I suggest it is an act of admission. I think I need all the support I can get. For it is other people that remind me to go on, to 'just keep swimming' or power through. To stay positive and to live my life, not just for me but for my mum and dad too. If anyone wishes to call me a sympathy seeker, so be it. I am far from caring what other people think these days about me. Their opinion means nothing compared to what really matters: family, friends, love, experiences, living.
Cancer feels like an eternal torture, because when it comes once who knows when it will visit again. Once it comes a second time around you know it is bad news, Its like loosing a battle you thought you had won. Health, is one of my biggest fears of all. You can see why, once you think it is all over before you know it health issues only become worse. I have no patience for it what so ever. I hate doctors, I don't trust them. They fobbed off my mum last Christmas when she complained about chest pains, extreme coughing which lasted for months. Given her history you would have thought she would have been put on immediate checks with a chest x-ray. Nope. 'here is an inhaler, see how you feel after two weeks…' and then she becomes ploughed with empty antibiotics. Doctors sicken me. I understand yes, they see many people everyday and it is a battle with money as well. But when there is clear health history staring them in the face, I find little excuse necessary-it is too late now. With sex, Doctors preach 'its better to be safe than sorry'. Again they become hypocrites to their own philosophy.
I think my brother hides away. To be honest, I don't even know if he knows it is ok to feel any sort of emotion. Dad died when he was 8 years old. It took until his teens for him to silence his boy charm. I don't have conversations with my brother, just single words. Whether he is completely numbed by all experience I don't know, I think perhaps he chooses to not talk as he is either completely laid back, and just doesn't give a damn. Or, he is completely stunted by everything and finds it hard to feel any sort of vulnerable emotion. Most people don't like to display this anyway. We are all weak and vulnerable; only now am I beginning to understand that showing this isn't weakness, it is just being. It's ugly beautiful life! Though, I wonder whether he doesn't contact or visit family to avoid truths. To avoid the pain in seeing mother ill. To avoid realising that as much as we both have grown impatient to pain, and wanting to live as ourselves doing what we want to do because impatience has grown to putting up with anything bad, unfortunately it's just not the way this time. All day there is a reminder of what may not be in future. She walks slow, she moves slow. Some days are better than others but to not know if in 5 years to come you won't be able to grab that coffee with her like you used to, to have those random shopping days trying on sunglasses and driving in the car from another random found place in Wales with the music blaring and both women giggling at each other. Crying doesn't represent enough the pain.
It's not just about my brother either, it never just is about the kids. Mums partner, well he sees it everyday. It is worse for him. He witnesses the one he loves, crumbling bit by bit everyday. I can see their daily battles with each other and with something you can't even touch. And of course there are those connected to him too that see his pain, yet keep quiet in being sad over his pain as well.
I know this is a miserable post. However miserable though, as much as it's worth I hope it shows to all that read it, that those things we get worked up about, those things we all fear and panic and fuss over…aren't the be all and end all. I know I am a hypocrite to these words. We are ALL hypocrites to everything. Which is why I find daily reminders massive help, because we do tend to get caught up with things. It helps to take a moment to reflect and see what really does matter. It is all about choosing what makes us happy right? And making effort to make those we love happy too.
I suppose, I am scared in feeling and dealing with all of this. I beg for myself to not let it affect everything around me all too much; job, friends, money. As much as I hate the distance between my family and I living in London, I know life over there would be even worse. My independence is doing me good. As horrible as this might sound, there is a time and a place to have selfish-selflessness. One has to love self in order to provide the best for self and those involved in selfs life. You can't give love if you don't feel it for yourself. My misery won't help others and I can't become something else that needs looking after. Other people are priority and I want to look after myself so I don't become one for them either. Everyday is about doing a little bit for self and doing a bit for others too, it shall become a balancing act. I have to work to pay bills, I can't take time off to heal a broken heart. Healing will be a part time thing I shall do in my spare time. My job is about representation, I am paid to smile. Whether I like it or not, sometimes it will be faked and others won't. It's going to be an interesting few years. I think that is the strangest part. I am so excited for life yet so broken, not only is it about balance it's about a juggling act as well. I find myself giggling in my head at the conundrum of it all. Life is all so silly. We are the ones who make it so silly after all…
I suppose, I am scared in feeling and dealing with all of this. I beg for myself to not let it affect everything around me all too much; job, friends, money. As much as I hate the distance between my family and I living in London, I know life over there would be even worse. My independence is doing me good. As horrible as this might sound, there is a time and a place to have selfish-selflessness. One has to love self in order to provide the best for self and those involved in selfs life. You can't give love if you don't feel it for yourself. My misery won't help others and I can't become something else that needs looking after. Other people are priority and I want to look after myself so I don't become one for them either. Everyday is about doing a little bit for self and doing a bit for others too, it shall become a balancing act. I have to work to pay bills, I can't take time off to heal a broken heart. Healing will be a part time thing I shall do in my spare time. My job is about representation, I am paid to smile. Whether I like it or not, sometimes it will be faked and others won't. It's going to be an interesting few years. I think that is the strangest part. I am so excited for life yet so broken, not only is it about balance it's about a juggling act as well. I find myself giggling in my head at the conundrum of it all. Life is all so silly. We are the ones who make it so silly after all…
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Putting the message across
I have a background in documentary film and here is a link a film I made relevant to the postings I have made today.
then password:
cancergene
Any feedback would be truly appreciated. The film was made to kick those up the arse who were scared of the topic, for people to become less scared and to check themselves out instead of sticking their heads in the sand. We wanted to represent cancer in a different light and show that making jokes isn't a bad thing. There are so many sides to everything, the film making process was a grace as so much was learned about the subjects; the process of taking part in the film also helped them with their experiences as well. Time is precious, so lets not waste it.
It seems to be a cancer day...again
Everything I read today, I don't know whether it is because it is something I have been affected by (I hate that phrase) but what I read seems to be linked to Cancer...
THE BIG C!
I know other words more appropriate to the big 'C' but that's a whole other conversation...
Everyday the subject of health stares us in the face, so how literal are we meant to take all of the warnings? News reports, health scares, television shows...Most films show aspects of cancer within them though few cinema releases are actually based around the topic. Sure, it never is a thrilling thing to discuss-the doom and gloom attached to it really is a put down compared to our usual jolly every day being, does there need to be a new approach to it all? I mean, everyday is about cancer but everyday is about a lot of other things as well. I know from experience that awareness is one of the most important things about cancer, what people automatically link to the illness is if i have this, I am going to die. These thoughts are fair enough though not necessarily how ends will meet. I feel there is a huge important in almost re marketing cancer, someone needs to get their ass on the PR of it all.
I know full well that if I had the disease, I wouldn't want my everyday to be focused around my 'health'. When there are people in your lives experiencing these emotions, it can feel like no escape. Even when it comes down to the people who really know you, sometimes being around those can be the worst situation. It all comes down to cancer, how you become treated-special treatment is fine but no-body wants the out of the ordinary 'service'. Whether you know the stage of what your body may hold, is it treatable or not?...everyday really is about YOU and not the others. Of course, health and illness from what you may have gathered from my past posts isn't always about one. Understandably we must consider the feelings attached to the person experiencing the cancer conventions though I think it a good idea to let them breathe. No-one wants the extra fuss, but no-one wants the extra reminder that one day, whether it be in months, a year or several that they might not be around anymore.
We all might not be around anymore. So I think it is important right now to appreciate the time we have to make together. The time we have to build. The time to say, what would you like to do today, and the time to say, these are my plans lets fit around this. My abbreviations may sound a little superficial, so please bear with me, but to this day I think it necessary for all of us to give time to those who need it-whether it is time by self or time with them. Time to chill. Time to feel like them again. Everyday whether we have a count down or not shouldn't feel like some race until the end. Days now should feel amazing. Days now should feel like heaven in knowing what you do that day you have chosen to do, because you bloody well can do it!
I am sure there are preventative measures to hand we all could absorb and integrate into our known selves. If they seem like a good option, choose it and make it yours. I don't think though that pushing the idea to one experiencing the big C is always a very good idea. Once cancer enters our lives I think a fear of clinging onto our independence becomes discovered. From a previous link, role reversals change and you see that the one who was, your rock I suppose, or the one who began to show you world becomes slowly taken away from you, it's heartbreaking yes but we have to still let them be them. We can't cushion them. How we would like it if we were treated like a baby? Because it seems that is what it feels like most of the time. Spoon fed explicities which don't do the person any justice. They need to maintain their human self and reduce their vegetable factor. Once someone holds an illness they still have a life. I think most forget we all could die tomorrow, whether that be a crash, an overdose, a stabbing-anything. We should count ourselves lucky and live our days for us, for another, for them. I think anyone who is affected by cancer wishes to do so too.
'Cancer is poetic, but it's also...'
'how many of these touching symbols are real, and how much of this is just me analyzing life like literature, trying desperately to make sense of it, to provide some sort of character arc that makes it OK? The truth is that it is profoundly not OK. Cancer is poetic, but it's also fucking bullshit. Two contradictory things being true at once -- that's something my mom has always delighted in.'
Poetic in the sense it brings you to an immediate realisation of oh shit someone might die... Blunt, yes, but if subjects like this doesn't put things into a clear picture what would for you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)